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Question
Posted by: gillian | 2009/11/19

when does grief stop

Hi Cyberdoc
2 years ago we lost a baby. After 3 years of fertility treatment we eventually had a baby girl, when she was 4 months old I discovered that I was pregnant again and I was horrified, I felt so overwhelmed. But 5.5 months later, a scan showed that our baby had serious health problems and we were advised to terminate the pregnancy, which we did. The problem is that I can' t stop crying, I cry every day, and I really struggle to concentrate, I can' t stop thinking about her, it' s so confusing because I was so reluctant when I found out that I was pregnant again. We saw a counsellor at the time but I don' t really want to see her again. I still function, I think, fairly normally and I enjoy our surviving child very much but I worry about death and loss a lot, especially about my daughter. Is this normal? Should I try to do something about it? or will I start to feel better at some stage? I would like to have another baby but I" m now 43 so it' s looking unlikely, sometimes I wonder if it' s not the loss as much as the whole fertility trip? I don' t know who to talk to.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear gillian, I'm so sorry to hear about this.
I'm sure the counsellor you saw tried her best, but you probably need to see someone more experienced and with more effective techniques, such as a psychotherapist providing CBT, Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy. This can help you regain control of unpleasant and unhelpful thoughts, and to work through your grief in memory of the child you lost, and for the benefit of the child you have.
There may be sound reasons for terminating a pregnancy, inluding mercy for the child that might be born with severe handicaps - but that doesnt prevent a sincere parent from feeling grief and even guilt at having made even a sensible decision about this. The bad feelings ar probably a compound opf such issues and the whole idea of perhaps not havin g another child at all.
YOu probably will sart to feel better a some stage, but that stage will be reached sooner and with benefits to you and your child and husband, with the help of a CBT therapist

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: friend | 2009/11/19

If you start having those awful thoughts, start to count... a b c. Close your eye and think how animals can you count like. ... If you see the s.. stork, sparrow, snail ect..
And count it it and reward yourself the more you count per alphabet. Do this every night. C for chimpansee, cheeta, cat ect

Reply to friend
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/19

Dear gillian, I'm so sorry to hear about this.
I'm sure the counsellor you saw tried her best, but you probably need to see someone more experienced and with more effective techniques, such as a psychotherapist providing CBT, Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy. This can help you regain control of unpleasant and unhelpful thoughts, and to work through your grief in memory of the child you lost, and for the benefit of the child you have.
There may be sound reasons for terminating a pregnancy, inluding mercy for the child that might be born with severe handicaps - but that doesnt prevent a sincere parent from feeling grief and even guilt at having made even a sensible decision about this. The bad feelings ar probably a compound opf such issues and the whole idea of perhaps not havin g another child at all.
YOu probably will sart to feel better a some stage, but that stage will be reached sooner and with benefits to you and your child and husband, with the help of a CBT therapist

Reply to cybershrink

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