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Question
Posted by: Izi | 2010/09/08

When do you say No to other peoples'' needs and wants

I am pregnant with multiples and it has been a rocky road for me. Have been in and out of hospital 5 times already and its my 2nd trimester. I am so exhausted all the time and my immune system just isn''t working as it used to.

Last weekend my husband got a call from a friend of ours (has been his friend for a long time now). She said she is moving to a house in the area and wants us to come help and bring food. I had just come out of hospital the night before after a week long stay with an infection and was totally under the weather. I said we weren''t able to and would see if we could get togather the following weekend. My husband was annoyed with me and didn''t see why he couldn''t cook for her because he was cooking for me anyway and we could just go spend our time with her.

Firstly I thought it inconsiderate that we are told the day of her move and asked to come over with food. I asked her to call me to make arrangements for the following weekend. She didn''t, but my husband had missed calls from her and he said I must call her. He said that she probably doesn''t have my number. I reminded him that she could have got my number from a number of people we know in common, him included.

Sunday morning, she tries to call my husband early in the morning. He was gardening and I was ironing and we only saw the call later in the day. He immediately wanted me to call her. I told him I wasn''t the recipient of the call. I smsed her and told her that I was awaiting her call and we may have time the next weekend. She calls my husband Monday evening to say she wants to come over now because she has made plans with some friends for the weekend.

I explained to my husband that I am exhausted when I get home from work and I am not in the mood of entertaining or cooking for anyone. I want to see to our daughter, help with school stuff and just go to bed. It''s not easy carrying triplets. I don''t sleep most of the night and am exhausted every day. I am just not in the mood to have people over anymore for lunches and dinners.

My huband is so angry with me and said that I need to be accommodating towards other people. I am selfish and am putting myself first because I am pregnant.

How do I make him understand that in 4 mths or less my life changes forever and I need to rest or relax whenever I can now.

What concerns me is that he gets so touchy over this person. She is a good eprson, but can be very demanding and the conversation only evolves around her and her problems when she visits. I just can''t handle that now. I have my own worries right now which are overwhelming me and stressing me and I can''t sit and listen to someone going on about themselves. And when this friend visits, we need to have alcohol. Neither hubby nor I drink and it ticks me off that he will run to get something for her.

Am I being jealous and selfish? Or do I have a right to say no to people if I am not up to visitors? Am I right in saying that I am going through a difficult triplet pregnancy and people should be accommodating of my needs now? Please advise because my husband makes me out to be the big bad wolf and I am so tired of it.

Please advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This friend sounds thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate for expecting help for the relativel trivial issue of her move into the neighbourhood, to take precedence over your pregnancy problems.
Calling at the last minute and expecting you to provide a home delivery food service was incredibly selfish. This is nobody's friend, but a demanding person thinking her wishes should be commands to other people.
SMS her, explain that you have pregnancy problems, and need to receive rather than being able to give, aid ; and to ask her to call you directly rather than always trying to go through your husband.
Do NOT buy alcohol, as non-drinkers, just because she demands a drink - if she is so alcohol dependent, let her bring her own booze.
She is NOT a good person, and you are NOT being jealous or selfish - it is her who is bein monumentally selfish and inconsiderate. This is no friend. Of course you have an absolute right to say No to others when you don't feel up to it - and they have no right to feel upset by your refusal. Your husband doesn't seem to understans where is true duties lie, and needs to join you in teelling this greedy woman to hink of how she could help you, rather than demanding help from you

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Izi | 2010/09/08

Thank you CS. I tried so hard to explain to him that I don''t have the energy for a lot of things these days, especially guests who come and spend a lot of time. He says I must love everyone equally. i don''t know wether he just loves the attention he gets - not to mention how she says our daughter is beautiful and looks only like her father. He says I over react.

I am just so tired CS and he gets so upset with me.

Reply to Izi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/08

This friend sounds thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate for expecting help for the relativel trivial issue of her move into the neighbourhood, to take precedence over your pregnancy problems.
Calling at the last minute and expecting you to provide a home delivery food service was incredibly selfish. This is nobody's friend, but a demanding person thinking her wishes should be commands to other people.
SMS her, explain that you have pregnancy problems, and need to receive rather than being able to give, aid ; and to ask her to call you directly rather than always trying to go through your husband.
Do NOT buy alcohol, as non-drinkers, just because she demands a drink - if she is so alcohol dependent, let her bring her own booze.
She is NOT a good person, and you are NOT being jealous or selfish - it is her who is bein monumentally selfish and inconsiderate. This is no friend. Of course you have an absolute right to say No to others when you don't feel up to it - and they have no right to feel upset by your refusal. Your husband doesn't seem to understans where is true duties lie, and needs to join you in teelling this greedy woman to hink of how she could help you, rather than demanding help from you

Reply to cybershrink

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