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Question
Posted by: Misty | 2012-10-26

When can you let go of mistakes?

Hi guys... I am in serious need of some help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years (not married legally as we feel we don''t need our names on a piece of paper to show our commitment to each other). We have been living together for five years. We don''t have children, but we have " fur babies" .

I made a mistake like a month into our relationship. I didn''t sleep with the guy, I didn''t get down and dirty, it was a kiss more than anything. I didn''t tell my boyfriend, as it happened a day after he told me he thinks we shouldn''t see each other anymore. I was already in such a bad place in my life, I was unhappy, had family issues, felt like an outcast and ugly... this kiss happened in a moment of madness.

My boyfriend decided to get back together with me a couple of days later (after lots of begging from myself- I had no self respect back then). I didn''t tell him about the kiss, and then it came out in, in different versions over a couple of weeks. In a desperate attempt to try and cover up, I lied. My boyfriend broke up with my again, and then got back together with me again. It was a very rocky start to our relationship, and the fact that there is an age gap and racial difference that neither my parents or his parents appreciated didn''t help. He had a bit of a drinking problem when we met, it got really bad when we moved in together and he did a lot of hurtful things during that time (like he''d go out with his friends every Friday and Saturday despite whether I wanted to do something with him or not, he would ignore my calls, switch off his phone, come home at whatever time then we would fight... I felt I deserved it because of what I did. He cheated on me with another girl, I found out the other day he smokes the occasional joint (and I am so against drugs), but I still feel I deserved it.

I am not that person I was back then, and I feel I have proven myself worthy time and time again but I guess not...

So now 10 years down the line, it still haunts me AND him. I don''t know what to do- I''ve suggested he go for counselling because I keep my guilt and regret inside, he is very vocal about it and gets upset, then makes me upset, etc. He hasn''t dealt with it and I feel I am still being punished for it. He told me today that he doesn''t hang out with the people he made mistakes with, and he should have just stayed broken up with me to begin with. That was very hard for me to hear, because we do love each other but he just sees no light at the end of the tunnel.

What should I do? We are in our early 30''s.

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You're allowed to let go of them at any time ; its best to let go of them early on, just as soon as you have learned anything useful from the experience.
Your bf doesn't sound very mature or stable, does he ? Having left you and told you it was over, he had no grounds for getting in a huff about you kissing another guy.
Then as a problem-drinker, hurtful,cheating, smoking - you didn't deserve any of that. If he is still hung up about it, that's pathetic, but he should see a counsellor, after being good enough to leave you and try to make it on his own. And you should separately see a counsellor, to get rid of all this inappropriate guilt he has taught you. I don't hear any slight trace of love on his side. Shouldn't you rather separate again and stay that way, while you work with a counsellor to enhance your self-confidence and self-esteem and self-respect, and to make a much better life for yourself ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Leila | 2012-10-27

It seems like you guys did not have the blessings of your parents from the start hence the ups and downs. Nevertheless if he is still into drugs then there is little hope for you. You dont deserve any ill-treatment from his side. Did the event of you going with this other guy happen way back then?

Change should happen from both sides. If one is not prepared to change for the better then the best option is to separate.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-10-27

You're allowed to let go of them at any time ; its best to let go of them early on, just as soon as you have learned anything useful from the experience.
Your bf doesn't sound very mature or stable, does he ? Having left you and told you it was over, he had no grounds for getting in a huff about you kissing another guy.
Then as a problem-drinker, hurtful,cheating, smoking - you didn't deserve any of that. If he is still hung up about it, that's pathetic, but he should see a counsellor, after being good enough to leave you and try to make it on his own. And you should separately see a counsellor, to get rid of all this inappropriate guilt he has taught you. I don't hear any slight trace of love on his side. Shouldn't you rather separate again and stay that way, while you work with a counsellor to enhance your self-confidence and self-esteem and self-respect, and to make a much better life for yourself ?

Reply to cybershrink

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