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Question
Posted by: gorgeous | 2011/09/06

whats going on in my relationship

i have been dating this wonderful guy for eight months now. he has two kids, from previous relationship, he paid lobola for the girl, she cheated on him, and they broke up sometime last year. he has told me he wants to commit, to me, but needs some time to get over the experience, told me he feels i might do the same. i understood since i am not ready to marry him anyway, i have two kids of my own(their father was involved in car accident 2 years ago. last week he heard he might be retrenched, and his biggest worry is that he wont be able to provide for his kids, since their mother is working but not financially resposible. i told him, he might have to speak to her about this, should it happen he gets retrenched, for her to assist financially as it is also her duty to do so. we had plans to go out on saturday, but he ad to work and knock off at 6 in the evening, he usually calls me when he knocks off to take a drive.this time he didnt, i called him and he simply told me he is going to bed. i got quiet angry and i asked him why he hadnt told me coz i was expecting him, told me he doesnt have to report to me, i was hurt by this. on sunday same thing happened, no calls nothing, i called him to give me my licence disk renewal documents as i will be doing them my self on monday morning, came to drop them off and refused to speak to me. out of anger and desparation i called a friend of his, and asked him to tell him that he cant just break my heart and refuse to talk to me. the minute he got the message he called me back furious and we had an argument over the phone, i havent spoken to him since sunday, i really feel hurt and batrayed as i was very supportive of him and his work situation, but he just decided to shut me out. what do to now (sorry for the long post)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It really makes sense, and suggests he is being sensible, that he doesn't want to rush into this. Many relationships that start up when either or both partners are still raw and still emotionally involved with their Ex, come to grief.
Actually, he is showing responsibility in caring for and worrying about his own kids, and if the financially irresponsible mother is working, especially if he is retrenched, he should consider going to court and asking the court to require her to pay maintenance for the children, rather than wasting her earnings solely on herself.
But the recent events you describe, suggest you may have been pushing him to attend to you at a time when he had other serious problems troubling him - you don't know what may have happened at work, or about his job, or with his ex, or all of those. OK you were disappointed when he wasn't available as expected, and didnt call you to explain, but that's annoying, not a major problem. Give things a while to calm down, then send him a friendly message, and calmly talk it out when you meet. This event illustrates what I said at the start be cautious about expecting too much in a relationship from someone still emotionally raw from their previous one.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Man | 2011/09/07

Quote .......out of anger and desperation l called a fiend of his.......
This sentence alone explains why he has not called you. We men run a mile with this sort of behaviour.

Also suggesting he speak to his childs mother re his possible retrenchment was interfering and condesending. He would know he has to do this, it would have been more impressive had you just offered unconditional support and not get too controlling. You have only been dating for 8 months and he feels you want him to report to you his every whereabouts!

The fact he is not contacting you is his way of saying its over.

Reply to Man
Posted by: Caro | 2011/09/07

Hi
Sometimes people need space even from those who seem to be supportive. There seems to be a lot going on in his life right now. He doesnt need another worry. Send him a message that he knows where to find you when he recovers and that you will give him the space to sort himslef out. Be a big girl. I know it is not always easy but you cant push him to be with you when he has other things to worry about. Reasssure him then find something else to do. Go out with your girlfriends or read some motivational books. Take yourself to the movies. Dont be nasty to him. Dont pressure him. As you can already see, it is getting you nowhere.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Truth | 2011/09/06

Of course someone else has the power (ie either of the 2 people involved) to end a relationship - you dont hold all the cards!

This relationship is not hanging. He has shut you out - there is no real relationship.

You sound very immature and high maintenance in being needy and controling. l think you need to move on.

I wish you all the best.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: GORGEOUS | 2011/09/06

BUT now, what if he does get retreched, does this mean this relationship will be left hanging, cause when he first told me about work, i reassured him that everything will be fine, i asured him of my support...i just dont understand, i was not demanding at all, its just that i found it strange that he would leave me hanging without any call to explain, and i would have understood if he wasnt in the mood for anything. he has been so quiet and i am worried, i did sent him a message to apologize this morning, and its been so quiet, i wont call him, but he is just not talking to me, i feel as if somewhat holds the power to end or continue with this relationship. I AM SO FRUSTRATED

Reply to GORGEOUS
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/06

It really makes sense, and suggests he is being sensible, that he doesn't want to rush into this. Many relationships that start up when either or both partners are still raw and still emotionally involved with their Ex, come to grief.
Actually, he is showing responsibility in caring for and worrying about his own kids, and if the financially irresponsible mother is working, especially if he is retrenched, he should consider going to court and asking the court to require her to pay maintenance for the children, rather than wasting her earnings solely on herself.
But the recent events you describe, suggest you may have been pushing him to attend to you at a time when he had other serious problems troubling him - you don't know what may have happened at work, or about his job, or with his ex, or all of those. OK you were disappointed when he wasn't available as expected, and didnt call you to explain, but that's annoying, not a major problem. Give things a while to calm down, then send him a friendly message, and calmly talk it out when you meet. This event illustrates what I said at the start be cautious about expecting too much in a relationship from someone still emotionally raw from their previous one.

Reply to cybershrink

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