Posted by: Anon | 2008-12-15

What would you do / what should I do

If you knew that you were possbily one of the cr*ppiest parents alive, would you give your only child up for adoption. My child is 5, and I love her to bits, but I also know that I am not the greatest of parents, and would probably feature on the list of worst parents. Although she was totally planned, when I had her, my situation in life was very different. Now nothing has worked out for her as planned. I love her so much, and want so much more for her, that I think by her staying with me, I am just going to ruin her life in the same manner as mine. I cant offer her anything anymore. I cant even provide for a reasonable education financially, and because we live from month to month, I cant offer her security or stability
The type of things that I do
1 - cant provide for her financially anymore (single parent, father does not pay for anything)
2 - I deliberately stay at work longer than required so I do not have to deal with her
3 - When I have a cr*p day - guarenteed to take it out on her
4 - Have no patience left anymore. I know she is only 5 but I am so short when she does not listen or is " naughty" 
5 - KNowing my inadequacies, I spoil her materialisticlly - to the detriment of her stability. Who needs food, if you can have the latest toy type thing - which dont get me wrong I know is pathetically stupid!
6 - I continually loose my temper with her, and although I would not state that I have physically abused her, I have come very close to it - have smacked her out of anger, have even punched her arm once when she bit me - thereby demonstrating my own unacceptable behaviour
7 - I have my own self destructive behaviours which are obviously detrimental to her. This started when I " lost'  everything, but its not her fault. (The loss was out of my control - and I am not referring only to financial)
8 - My life is pretty much a stuff up - the chances of hers being any better while with me are very slim

Please do not get me wrong, I love my child dearly, and would sacrifice my own life for hers, but in saying that I know that I am an incompetent parent. I have tried so many times to change, but have failed on each occassion. Giving her up for adoption would shatter me and tear my immediate family apart (grandparents ect), but for once I need to try and do what is in her best interest, with no thought to others.
Would a 5 yr old have many memories of her past, would she be traumatised by the adoption - more so than her current life? Obviously I would look for the right parents, and not just put her in foster care. I just dont know what to do anymore for her sake.

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Our expert says:
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I VERy much doubt that you're a crappy parent, let alone one of the worst. Really lousy parents never think there's anything wrong with their parenting --- that it bothers you proves that you are caring and of quality.
You provide her with genuione love, to an extent nobody else could. Go to the Maintenance Court and get the court to order the deadbeat dad to pay up and provide maintenance. Arrange to see a counsellor to work on your own low-self-esteem and low self-confidence, and to help you work out more effective ways of working wioth her and enjoying your time together. Stop buying her expensive toy stuff ; save that for education.
At 5 she is now, ( much more than at earlier ages ) likely to be bothered by an adoption, especially as kids tend to assume it MUST be their fauolt that any such thing has happened. Try Lifeline and other such free agencies ; and if your work medical aid provides for any counselling, make use of that, too. And can't the grandparents help ; indeed wouldn't they really want to ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Al | 2008-12-15

Maybe you must go and see docter?

Reply to Al
Posted by: ? | 2008-12-15

why not ask your grandparents for assistance? Financially etc. Where are your parents? Why is your husband not helping financially? I' m sure you could go through it legally to get him to pay for his kids education at least.

As for controlling your need to stop. Every parent gets anf=gry, frustrated and up to their wits end with their child when they' re being naughty. But that' s no reason to ever punch or hit your child. Or even get angry at them.

Reply to ?
Posted by: almost mad | 2008-12-15

Wow. That is pretty bad. But surely that extra time you spending at work can be rather spent getting some anger management. There are free services. Contact life line etc. If you really cant change after that then maybe ot would be wise to let a granny take care for her and that way she wont feel like you don' t want her.

Reply to almost mad

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