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Question
Posted by: Mommy | 2011/03/28

what went wrong?

I am so depressed after my daughters wedding. I had to travel for 17 hours straight with my two youngest children on borrowed money to attend her wedding. Upon arrival at 11 at night at her and future hubs house, no sleeping arrangements were made (had to sleep on gardenchair mattress on floor that night, while they slept in comfy bed) and no refreshments offered. Son in law was rude, complained about my two small pet dogs that travelled with me He says I should have asked permission for them to stay. I made alternative accomodation arrangements for the rest of the week. He feels his attitude was justified all because I asked him for help with my kids outfits for the wedding. They were part of the bridal party and the rest of the bridal parties outfits were paid for by him and his parents. I could not make any financial contribution towards the wedding costs other than the wedding invites. The bridal couple new about my financial problems and new I went out of my way to borrow money for travel expenses. It seems he is upset because of the cost of the wedding to him and his family. I wrote them a factual letter telling them about how hurt I am and his response was swift that I am selfish and ill mannered. My daughter is not speaking to me at all.
This is my daughters 2nd wedding

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Something significant here may depend on cultural customs and practices. For instance, in most cultures, if your youngsters were to be part of the bridal party and if they were expected to wear special outfits, it would be usual for the costs of these to be carried by the wedding ( in this case hikm and his parents who were bearing the other costs ), not you.
And its simple courtesy if ANYONE, especially the bride's mother, is coming a long way to attend the wedding, to make some reasonable arrangements for her and her children to slep, eat, etc.
The actual over-all costs of the wedding should not have been any surprise to him, as they presumably planned it and costed it together.
Goodness knows what's going on there, or why your daughter is being so unhelpful about this ; one wonders whether this her second marriage is likely to last, if this is how they cause and handle problems.
But try not to let this hurt you. Leave it up to her to take time to recognize what happened, and to approach you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Observer | 2011/03/30

Please go back to " What did I do wrong"  by Mommy and read my response to you two. Have a great day.

Reply to Observer
Posted by: Observer | 2011/03/30

To Another View. You know what is said about sarcasm, its the lowest form of wit. What I wish for you is that you have a child that when grown up, treats you like these two beauts have treated her Mom. Even better, if you were battling financially as well.

No matter how you twist it, a Mother is someone AWAYS special in our lives and should they be difficult at times or behave in a manner that is not exactly to your liking, suck it up and be grateful to have your Mom. There is an old fable, the story goes that when the elderly in the family reached a certain age they were considered unproductive, without money and useless, so they were put in a basket and drowned. One elderly lady who was just about to be put in the basket by her daughter, said to her, " Don''t forget to keep the basket safe, as your daughter will need it one day. So you and QQ, both very clever, can just think about that !!

Reply to Observer
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/29

LOL Another View !!!

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Another View | 2011/03/29

Sorry I was wrong Mummy is really Mother Theresa.
She has done and can do no wrong.
Her Daughters behaviour was completely incorrect considering her mother has no faults whatsoever.
I cannot belive l was so wrong, after all it is perfectly normal to sponge off your kids and run your life in such a manner that you have no alternative.
I apologise that l asked Mummy to consider if she was partly to blame. And relalise that intospection was the wrong advice for someone who was only looking for sympathy.
My hearfelt apologies for my ignorant advice.
PS
Why not get another dog to replace the lost affections of a daughter?

Reply to Another View
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/29

She sounds like my mother and she is wrong and interfering.
Oh and...never ever at fault !!! Poor woman. Whatever

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Observer | 2011/03/29

I am battling to see where Mommy is so at fault, accepting your admission that " Its not about the dogs"  So what is it then?The fact that she could not pay for a number of things for the wedding. Is that something she did that is wrong?

Once the son in law started to make an issue over the dogs, bearing in mind"  its not about the dogs"  she took herself off to other accomodations. Is that wrong?

Is it wrong to ask someone who had the funds to pay for certain things ?

Would YOU have treated your Mother in such a shabby fashion under the same circumstances. Maybe a bit put out, but not enough to make such an issue over it. Where do these youngers get off being so small minded and nasty? I say, to hell with them !! I''m still on your side Mommy.

Reply to Observer
Posted by: its not about the dogs | 2011/03/29

The mother is in the wrong in many ways but wont admit it.
Sure they treated her badly but she is also to blame but wont accept responsibility for her part in her own downfall.

Reply to its not about the dogs
Posted by: Observer | 2011/03/29

Gee you guys !! Give the lady a break regards her dogs !! That is such a small issue against what her daughter and son in law did to her. We are talking about someones MOTHER here. I canot believe everyone is focusing on the dog issue. That''s minor, people. Surely the daughter and son in law are mature enough to overlook something that the mother finds close to her heart by bringing along her two dogs ? I do not know, but I am sure they are not Great Danes !! Come on, get real.
Mommy, I am on your side !! You daughter and son in law are bad news.

Reply to Observer
Posted by: Answer pls | 2011/03/28

Another View , QQ, Gracie and Maria have a valid points about the dogs........Mommy is putting all the blame on the daughter but wont apologise for being wrong on her side!
An explanation would be good.......

Reply to Answer pls
Posted by: Me | 2011/03/28

Hey QQ what up..your toot mitthing??

Reply to Me
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/28

I think you are one ofthose interfering mothers.... its her second marraige, you are unable to contribute ANYTHING, you take your DOGS with?
No, you should have tayed home.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Another View | 2011/03/28

If you took the monies budgeted for feeding your dogs you would may not have needed to ask for as much assistance for your childrens outfits.
Pets are a luxury and as they are not reqiured for security (if they were you would have left them on your property) or for companionship (you have children living at home) you probably could economise by not having them and build up some savings. Also vets fees are very expensive and can occur at anytime as an unexpected expense. Your daughter probably resents having to buy you clothes - it is like having to buy a smoker food!
Although this does not excuse your daughters treatment of you l am trying to show you their view. You made a mistake by not thinking before taking the dogs you cannot expect them to allways think correctly too.
Did you apologise for taking the dogs without permission it would have only been common courtesy to have done so as they helped you finacially ?

Reply to Another View
Posted by: Mommy | 2011/03/28

Yes, I should have discussed the dogs with them first, but because I use to babysit their pets in my home when they have been on holiday, I did not even for one minute imagine it would be a problem. It was not my intention to be rude or ill mannered. I did not demand money for my children''s outfits, I simply asked for help Feeding my dogs are within my normal monthly budget, a wedding 1500km from my town, that was decided on 3 months ago, was def not. Will you let your mother sleep on the floor?

Reply to Mommy
Posted by: Gracie | 2011/03/28

I agree wholeheartedly about the dogs ... not a good idea to tag animals along without discussing it first! But as for the rest .. your daughter and her new husband sound rather unhospitable !!!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Maria | 2011/03/28

I agree about the dogs.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Another veiw | 2011/03/28

But Mommy also displayed bad manners in taking her dogs uninvited to their house which was very inconsiderate. She should also apologise for her rudeness in not obtaining permision first.

Reply to Another veiw
Posted by: Woman | 2011/03/28

Social etiquette dictates the folowing for second weddings:

a second marriage for only either the bride or groom, then they should carefully discuss the size of wedding they want and what they are willing to pay for. It is acceptable for the family of whomever is going through their first wedding to pay for their traditional financial responsibilities. The other half of the costs, however, should be covered by the couple.

Your daughter is rude and in the wrong, she should apologise. Your son in law too. Very bad manners indeed!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Another view | 2011/03/28

I understand your daughter and husbands attitude.
I would also resent finacially assisting someone who can afford to feed 2 dogs.What will you do if they become ill, who would you expect to pay the vets fees?
It was selfish and ill mannered to take dogs to someones house without asking first.

Reply to Another view
Posted by: mommy | 2011/03/28

thank you for all the reponses. I am now going to stop blaming and second guessing myself on this, it is wat it is, my mothering has to be directed to these two little adopted kids of mine. I am just so incredibly sad, it feels as if i''ve lost my daughter and spoiling her all these years was my wrongdoing. i will try to make a difference with my young kiddos. thank you for acknowledging my distress.

Reply to mommy
Posted by: Helper | 2011/03/28

Oh, I am SO sorry to hear how badly you were treated. Your future son in law sounds like a real Prince and your cheeky, selfish, bad mannered, ungrateful daughter probably deserves him.

In my book what they did to you is abuse and there is nothing quite as distasteful is to be abused by ones children. I am pleased you made your feelings known and now just leave it.

I would be hesitant to be the first one to make contact, which probably suits The Prince, but your daughter has to realise the full extent of her nastiness. I try to be a forgiving person and let bygones be bygones, but I draw the line with this sort of conduct.

Please take care and once again, so sorry.

Reply to Helper
Posted by: Tracey | 2011/03/28

Since it is her SECOND wedding you were not obliged to pay anything or even attend...
Sounds like a super husband if this is any indication.
You do not deserve to be treated like this.
If he treats his mom-in-law like this you can just guess what their marriage ends up like.
Sad thing is that you will be expected to pick up the pieces, and maybe you need to evaluate that.
My mom loves her two good for nothing sons but she never sees them.
There is only so much pain a parent can take, you are a parent and not a doormat.
Oh, and I am her daughter.
Be strong for yourself.

Reply to Tracey
Posted by: Maria | 2011/03/28

I get the feeling there is more to this story, a history of problems between yourself and your daughter perhaps?

My husband and I paid for our own wedding (was my first wedding, he was a widower). IMO if you''re getting married for the 2nd time you can pay for it yourself. It''s over and done with now, maybe you should just try to move on? Your daughter does not seem to respect you much and only sees you as a source of money, I think you''re better off with as little contact as possible with her and her husband from now on.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Lilly | 2011/03/28

Sorry g/f ... not nice when your children turn against you but always remember that blood is thicker than water - no matter what and there will come a time when she comes crawling back to you and beg you for help and assistance ... always be there for her but till then, love her as your daughter and allow her to make her own mistakes.

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/28

Something significant here may depend on cultural customs and practices. For instance, in most cultures, if your youngsters were to be part of the bridal party and if they were expected to wear special outfits, it would be usual for the costs of these to be carried by the wedding ( in this case hikm and his parents who were bearing the other costs ), not you.
And its simple courtesy if ANYONE, especially the bride's mother, is coming a long way to attend the wedding, to make some reasonable arrangements for her and her children to slep, eat, etc.
The actual over-all costs of the wedding should not have been any surprise to him, as they presumably planned it and costed it together.
Goodness knows what's going on there, or why your daughter is being so unhelpful about this ; one wonders whether this her second marriage is likely to last, if this is how they cause and handle problems.
But try not to let this hurt you. Leave it up to her to take time to recognize what happened, and to approach you.

Reply to cybershrink

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