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Question
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/02

What was but could never be

How long does it take to get over falling in love. I am married (for 14 years) with 2 children and fell in love with another man who is also married. The feelings were reciprocated. We shared a very cerebral connection and it was a gradual one, (not initially physical at all). I have never ever felt that type of connection in my life and although I love my husband I know I will never have that with him. We never had an affair, it came to an end because it had to. I ache every day and cry whenever I am alone. I still think about him constantly. It has been 5 months now - how long does it take before time lives up to its cliche?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's no definite answer there so much depends on the kind of love, the nature of both individuals and their interactions, their expectations, and so on.
But you seem to have jumped to some conclusions. Often an affair may seem more exciting because it does NOT share the humdrum ordinary aspects of any long-term relationship, maybe even its illicit nature gives it some spice for you.
You chose to have an affair - apparently eventually physical, as a married woman, and with a married man.
You say you never had an afair, yet you describe not onl strong emotional attachment, but saying "(not initially physical at all)" implies that it WAS eventually physical, too. What else makes for an affair ? And you don't seem to have considered either your husband or his wife, in this.
You seem, as I say, to have jumped to the conclusion that it was somehow impossible for you to enjoy this qua;lity of relationship with your husband, even though you say you love him. Is that certain ? Have you tried to do so ? Have you seen a marriage counsellor together to work on refreshing and extending your existing relationship ?
Now, maybe some individual counsellin could help you work through what this affair was all about, and then maybe indeed some marriage counselling could help you both

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/02

There's no definite answer there so much depends on the kind of love, the nature of both individuals and their interactions, their expectations, and so on.
But you seem to have jumped to some conclusions. Often an affair may seem more exciting because it does NOT share the humdrum ordinary aspects of any long-term relationship, maybe even its illicit nature gives it some spice for you.
You chose to have an affair - apparently eventually physical, as a married woman, and with a married man.
You say you never had an afair, yet you describe not onl strong emotional attachment, but saying "(not initially physical at all)" implies that it WAS eventually physical, too. What else makes for an affair ? And you don't seem to have considered either your husband or his wife, in this.
You seem, as I say, to have jumped to the conclusion that it was somehow impossible for you to enjoy this qua;lity of relationship with your husband, even though you say you love him. Is that certain ? Have you tried to do so ? Have you seen a marriage counsellor together to work on refreshing and extending your existing relationship ?
Now, maybe some individual counsellin could help you work through what this affair was all about, and then maybe indeed some marriage counselling could help you both

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