Our expert says:
I find this a rather frequent pattern ; and biomom is usually either unwittingly or more often deliberately, stirring things up.
But one important step that's necessary is for you and your husband to get together, draw up a basic list of house / family rules, with consequences for breaking them or keeping them, and then to discus these calmly but firmly with the kids.
It must be made clear that while biomom can have her own rules in her own home, these do NOT apply in your shared home, and unkindness and lack of respect ( let alone anything worse ) towards ANY inhabitant of your home, from yourselves, to any kid, to the cat and the goldfish, is unacaptable.
Your daughter may be findng it hard, initially, to adjust to the move from being an only child to one of three, and may be unused to the squabbling and friction that the other two are more used to between themselves, without themselves feeling upset by it.
Maintenance is an issue that should be decided by a court, which should take into account the relative earnings of biomom and biodad, and if she earns enough, she would be required to make a fair contribution to their costs. She is not entitled to simply pile expenses on her ex out of bitterness.
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