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Question
Posted by: june | 2008/09/05

what to do...cheating husband!

hi , im terribly disappointed at what my husband is doing to our marriage, i have all the reasosns to say he' s cheating on me with the same girl i always fight about, we' ve ben married for a yr and a half (traditional lobola) now and we have a 1 yr old baby. we recently went to sign at the homeaffairs on the 13th August... in the first yr of marriage, i assisted him to get a job in PTA while i stayed in another province(were we met...his homeplace) due to work, i have recently moved back to PTA to stay with him in inspiration to build strong family together, during that time he was showing signs of cheating with girls in PTA and when i confronted him he' d promise to leave them and cut all contacts and pleaded me to take transfer. now im in PTA we bought a house and a second car...we should be living a dream! but i found out that he is still seing these girls, this is how it goes down!!!!!!
-i helped him get a new job (again and again) that he' s always wanted wihich then make him earn more than i do
- we moved into the new house and bought a second car(his) 3 months ago
-since then, though his job is close to where i work and he knock off 4h30 everyday, he get home late at 20 or 21h00 EVERYDAY, he insist to use LONG &  EXPENSIVE route via town everyday (knowing his girl stays there) to home instead of driving 30min to home.
- he' s very jittery around his cellphone and had secret codes
-his girls call him anytime and he' s very comfortable speaking to them as if im not there ...no respect
-when he' s in town cheating he doesnt answer my call or he switch off the phone or lie that he' s at his brother' s place
- he doesnt stay at home on weekends and dont even bother to lift a fingure to help with manly chores around the house
- he' s not attending to his studies AT ALL, R6500 down the drain for ALL his studies that due for exams this Nov.
- he lies to me about sleeping over at church EVERY Friday night
- he has become emotionally detached from me, no spark no matter how hard or long i go! he wont appreciate nor say anything good about what i do or say but only wait for one slip and im headlines news to his family and friends.

this is the part that makes LIFE UNFAIR! Today he calls himself Mr money, i would PUSH him to budget together and make responsible finacial plans together as it should be... he would agree for a while only to find out that he' s been ditching all the money to his FAMILY and girls behind my back... when confronted he called me a WITCHED!!!! who would kill him for his money!
Today he' s who and what he is because of me ME! since 2004 before we got married, i gave my all to be a stepping stone and the guiding hand for him to get better jobs till now(not that im regretting), he had nothing to be proud of while a was an independent woman with a good heart! we have achieved everything only becuse we were TOGETHER But now there is more than a 3rd person in our lives and his pride and selfishness has shadowed him of his fortunates.

Doc, please help me! what must i do with this situation coz i have been giving him the silent treatment for 2 days now since i found out that he went to see his girl at 10pm while i was on night shift! he didnt want to apologise nor talk about it when confronted so i thought why not the silent treatment...i have forgiven and given him more than enough chances toclean up his deadly acts but this time i want to put a STOP to all the nonsense....im just in a bad space now and want this tension to end!

pls help!!!!!!
i

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Our expert says:
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Stop helping him to get new jobs ( why does he keep needing that ? what goes wro with the previous jobs ? ) He seems to be into a sexist set of assumptions, that pinches only the most convenient aspects of traditional culture to suit himself, and ignores the responsibilities that are supposed to match the privileges. He is NOT entitled to have multiple wives and gfs, nor does he have to earn more than you, unless he can work hard enough to deserve that, on his own. What of the lobola ? Doesn't the rest of his family and yours now have an interest in reminding him of his proper responsibilities ? HIs bejhaviour certainly is suspicious, and of the sort typical of a cheater. What is his excuse for not answering his phone when at his brother's place ?
I doubt whether he'd agree to see a mariage counsellor with you, as he probably considers himself perfect. Maybe you need to consult a lawyer to make sure you know how to protect your interests ? There's no point in continuing to forgive him --- forgiveness ought to be earned by repentance and changed behaviour, so he doesn't qualify.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SR | 2008/09/07

I dont know why you wait for something that will not come. You cannot change the nature of the beast, only he can change his ways and it seems as if he will still have to walk a long road before he finally teaches himself a lesson.

You will not be the one to teach him. The lesson that you have to learn is how much will it take before you finally realise that you need to step out of the way and let him fall himself.

No matter of stubborness will change his behaviour, he may grow board and " return"  to you on occassions only just to go through the same cycle of behaviour and you will beat yourself up in the process over and over again.

Maybe it is you too that have to teach yourself a lesson

Reply to SR
Posted by: june | 2008/09/06

thanx guys...
Im still not speaking to him at the moment! he' s not ashamed or show remorse that he' s been found out...he' s not interested in apologising nor TALK about it...he knows im hurt! he doesnt care!!!!!! im going to play it hard this time around, he needs to earn the forgiveness with a change in his behaviour, his father had 2 wifes and his from the second wife...its sad to hear how hard his childhood was because of this...how miserable his mother was or is about this 2 wifes thing...but funny how he seem to be his father' s photocopy...i dont know what drastic actions should i take as yet(advise welcome),
i helped hi through his career and jobs just becuase i believed in him and us...it was only for the good course so we could have a comfortable life we wished for...what really pi-s-s me off is that always when i confront him he keeps quite and pretend that he didnt do anything wrong...no need to explain himself and i have to get over it and make piece with it! this time it wont happen.
i think he ' s full of himself...he took my love for granted and doesnt understand the meaning of word PROMISE...APPRECIATE! today i found a deposit slip of huge amount of money he deposited his mother BEHIND MY BACK..he doesnt know that i found out about it as yet!
WHERE CAN I GO FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELLING IN PRETORIA????? i tried to complain to my inlaws about him but i think they just add oil to the fire instead of helping.
i gave my life into this relationship and marriage, i respected him and made sure that he' s well taken care off between my career and my motherhood...maybe i should stop washing/ironing and cleaning after his untidy things!
he even forgot that im the one who TAUGHT him how to DRIVE!!!!!

Reply to june
Posted by: SR | 2008/09/06

You have to accept that you are too good for him and that he does not appreciate you. the more you help him the more he will take advantage of you. He has not come to the party in his marriage and the relationship and is preocupied with himself. He is not ready to be a man and you need to ask yourself are you willing to be with someone who is not ready to be a man and take responsibility.

He will carry on hurting you unless you do something drastic. I dont know what that thing is but he needs to understand that he cannot take advantage of you and take you for granted. Look after the most important people in your life (You and the baby) as he will just wear you down

Reply to SR

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