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Question
Posted by: Miranda | 2011/09/12

What to do with my father

Good day, hope all is well
Some time ago I wrote to you about my alcoholic father, how he is involved with loan sharks, he gets a government grant and ALL his money goes to them. I even tried getting the loan sharks arrested and he just had to open a case, to no avail. Anyway after a long battle and trying I gave up. My father hates my husband and he use to stay with us, when he is drunk he often swore my husband. Ok eventually he moved out as we have rules and I have a husband, so basically he could not be the boss in our house. Now yesterday I got a call from someone saying they saw him somewhere looking very sick, shaking like a leaf, basically ready to die and still staying in the streets with the “ hobo''s” . My mom died a few years ago and ever since my mom''s passing, my father has been going on like this. He cannot stay too long at one place coz it''s normally with people. When he is sober he wants to be a boss, when he is drunk he swear even steal from the people. I have siblings, but unfortunately I am his only child and the rest of the “ step brothers and sisters”  refuse to help coz he is far to rude. My father made it very very clear how he hates my husband and younger daughter (5 years old) and told people it''s because of my husband that I cannot take care of him. Also my family will not help as they blame him for my mother''s death. He has ALWAYS been rude and he always swore my mother as well. My mom died of a heart attack and they were arguing that particular day. They say his swearing drove her to her death. The things I did for him in the past is countless, I made loans to make sure he gets a place of his own, I bought him clothes, the list is endless after my mom passed. He never paid rent where I got him a place and told the owners HIS DAUGHTER WILL SORT THEM OUT FINANCIALLY. He took everything for granted and I was always the victim. Sold my furniture I borrowed him while he was staying on his own. People used to call me every week telling me about what he did AGAIN. Mostly stealing for alcohol. I tried numerous alcohol places and it was a case where I had to attend meetings till he GAVE IN. He is stubborn, rude, but most of all, he hates people and he is not scared to say it. I really have no idea what to do next. Do I leave him to die, do I try one more time to help as I really tried and tried. I have been living like this for too long, it''s affecting my marriage, my children and even my work. Most of all is that I am in this battle alone, although he made it clear about my husband and daughter, my husband are still willing to help, but still I need more help, where to start, who to contact. This is really a very bad situation. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Miranda,
A very sad story. But your father has made his choices, and will live with their consequences. You can't do it for him. You have tried to be supportive and helpful,but he seems to be unappreciative and not to accept or follow good advice.
If he wants to be a boss, that hardly sounds realistic when he can't even manage his own life, let alone a business. There are so many people keen to be a boss and not to be a worker.
He cannot expect you to put up with all his hatrtyed and still to take care of him, when he can't be bothered to take care of himself. He was cruel to your mother and to you and your close family, and inconsiderate and rude to others. How does he deserve better treatment than he has insisted on giving to others ?
Don't take ANY further financial responsibility for him - he is expecting you to pay for everything so he can spend everything else on drink. There are facilities which could helphim, but only if he genuinely wanted to be helped, and apparently he doesn't. You can't "want" it for him.
When people call with more scandalous stories about what he's getting up to, tell them not to call, that you have tried enormously to help him, and he will not be helped.
How many "last chances" should he get ? No more. Leave him to his own devices ; this is how he is insisting it must be.
You have done far more than most people would have done, none of this is your fault, and nothing more you could do will save someone determined to sabotage your every effort. Concentrate on making a good and happy life for yourself and your husband and child.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/13

I have replied to you previously, the problem is they must want to be helped. I tried everything with my dad, even had the hospital keep him and have social workers try and talk to him there, but once recovered he would just go back to his old drunken ways. I just got to a stage where I did the minimum and waited for the " call"  and I got that call one monday morning. He had passed away. I was shattered, blaming myself for not trying more, but I did what I could. I put together the best memorable funeral. I am releived now, cause I actually feel now, 2 years down, that he is more with me than he was the last few drunken years.

The main point is I feel that they are grown-ups and should know what decisions to take, advise us, but alchol it doesn''t work that way. I made the decision to give-up and focus on my own family.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/13

Hello Miranda,
A very sad story. But your father has made his choices, and will live with their consequences. You can't do it for him. You have tried to be supportive and helpful,but he seems to be unappreciative and not to accept or follow good advice.
If he wants to be a boss, that hardly sounds realistic when he can't even manage his own life, let alone a business. There are so many people keen to be a boss and not to be a worker.
He cannot expect you to put up with all his hatrtyed and still to take care of him, when he can't be bothered to take care of himself. He was cruel to your mother and to you and your close family, and inconsiderate and rude to others. How does he deserve better treatment than he has insisted on giving to others ?
Don't take ANY further financial responsibility for him - he is expecting you to pay for everything so he can spend everything else on drink. There are facilities which could helphim, but only if he genuinely wanted to be helped, and apparently he doesn't. You can't "want" it for him.
When people call with more scandalous stories about what he's getting up to, tell them not to call, that you have tried enormously to help him, and he will not be helped.
How many "last chances" should he get ? No more. Leave him to his own devices ; this is how he is insisting it must be.
You have done far more than most people would have done, none of this is your fault, and nothing more you could do will save someone determined to sabotage your every effort. Concentrate on making a good and happy life for yourself and your husband and child.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: B | 2011/09/12

Sounds like my dad, who i know now was ill with major OCD, bi polar , depression and anxiety. G''luck to you

Reply to B
Posted by: PP | 2011/09/12

Your story is very sad and frustrating. How can one person make one''s world soooo horrible. You should be glad that you have your husband as it seems he is the only one willing to help.
I am sure you already know that it will be impossible for you to give up and throw in the towel, I mean you have been trying and no one is going to blame you if you do give up. But can you really???
Involve social workers, get him to a rehab again. He seems to be a very angry and unhappy person and will need more than what an ordinary person will need to get this sorted out.
It might even be due to how he grew up and the things that had made him to be such a bitter bitter person.
Don''t place all your energy on helping him though, it seems he is unwilling to be helped and this could lead to you exhausting yourself and neglecting your family. Help were you can, Offer the help but do not go 200 more miles for him. He is a grown man after all... And I am sorry to say this but you will probably rest when he is " resting in peace" ...

Reply to PP

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