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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2010/07/30

What to do about brother

My brother is 29 years old. Was married for 2 years. Now divorced for 1. He has a 3 year old little girl. His wife divorced him because he was using drugs - Coke. He was at SADAG meetings and they tested him regularly the first 4 months or so.
He lives with my parents again.
He never has money. Always asks my mother and she always gives. He doesn''t pay for anything. My father pays for everything.
he has met this nice woman. They''ve been going out for around 3 months. She saw drugs in his wallet.
The moment you confront him he becomes abusive. Emotionally.
I don''t want to put my parents through this again. What do I do?
He has his little girl every second weekend. What if he''s high when he looks after her or fetches her?
I really don''t know! I suffer from Manic Depression and this is not doing me any good. I need your help Prof!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some of that you're describing is called enabling. Not expecting a druggie kis to pay his own way simply teaches him to be irresponsible, and to carry on wasting his life. ( does he work ? If not, why not ? If so, where does his salary go ? ) They need to read about Tough Love and similar concepts.
This "very nice woman" is really foolish if she doesn't recognize that he will remain on drygs and sponge off her for as long as she allows him to do so. What else is she expecting ?
Don't take responsibility, yourself, for his lousy choices in life - this is not something YOU are "putting your parents through" HE is doing so, and to a significant extent THEY are doing so by enabling and funding his bad and lazy behaviour.
You may well be right about the possibility of risk to the kid - maybe child welfare should be asked to lookm into this ? And what does the mother think about it ?

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1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/31

Some of that you're describing is called enabling. Not expecting a druggie kis to pay his own way simply teaches him to be irresponsible, and to carry on wasting his life. ( does he work ? If not, why not ? If so, where does his salary go ? ) They need to read about Tough Love and similar concepts.
This "very nice woman" is really foolish if she doesn't recognize that he will remain on drygs and sponge off her for as long as she allows him to do so. What else is she expecting ?
Don't take responsibility, yourself, for his lousy choices in life - this is not something YOU are "putting your parents through" HE is doing so, and to a significant extent THEY are doing so by enabling and funding his bad and lazy behaviour.
You may well be right about the possibility of risk to the kid - maybe child welfare should be asked to lookm into this ? And what does the mother think about it ?

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