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Question
Posted by: anxious | 2012/02/29

what to do

Doc

I have a friend who is going through a really tough time and I really want to be there for him, the only problem is we dated years ago and have some serious issues that were never resolved. We have become friends again but it is more like acquaintance with each of us keeping our distance and being polite. I still love him deeply and just wish he could open up to me and we could discuss the issues that we had and get over them because while I had friend and family to help me get through it (although I never got over it) I don''t believe he had anyone he could open up to and i think he is eaten up by guilt and regret but his coping mechanism is to pretend that nothing happened and to run away from problems. We live in different provinces so I have not seen him for years but I still love him so much and just want to be a friend to him and let him know that there are people who believe in him and are in his corner. I feel so desperate for him - I am probably the person in the world who have the most reason to see him go down but I truly dont want that - I want him to be able to enjoy life and accept that he is allowed to be loved and to be happy.
How can I be a friend from a distance when I know he will not open up to me? All I have been doing is just praying for guidance for him and for his salvation

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You think, perhaps correctly, but without certainty, that he may have problems. IF, though you live in different provinces, you KNOW that he is currently experiencing problems, you must surely be in some fort of contact ?
Praying is unlikely to help either of you much - he might benefit from seeing a neutral, expert, professional counsellor, and maybe a mutual friend can, if your suppositions about him being troubled are accurate, could suggest that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chloe | 2012/03/02

Did he by any chance have a kidney transplant last week?

Reply to Chloe
Posted by: anxious | 2012/03/01

I dont want a romantic involvement with him and she does - I love him very much as a friend but I know we are wrong for one another. She just knows I understand him like no-one else does so it helps her to chat to me when she doesnt know what to do. I dont see him or really communicate with him.. We dated years ago and they are only good friends. Yes, it would seem weird but I know I dont want anything but friendship from him because we didnt work out for a reason

Reply to anxious
Posted by: Chloe | 2012/03/01

Just one thing  if you Both (you and the friend who is in contact with your ex) cares for him, how is it that you are friends and communicating? Normally in a situation like that women tends to want to tear the other''s head off. It just sound very weird.

Reply to Chloe
Posted by: Chloe | 2012/03/01

Well, I think leaving it alone is the right thing to do. If he wanted contact with you, he would surely initiate it. It sounds like you went through quite an ugly breakup, and if it''s been years since you''ve seen him he must surely be in another relationship already? It would cause more trouble than anything else making contact again in my opinion.

Reply to Chloe
Posted by: anxious | 2012/03/01

well, we have been in sort of contact but not regular and a mutual friend is more in contact so she has told me what he''s going through because she also needs advice on how to help him and because we both care about him. Yes, Chloe - it was serious so I dont feel calling him would be the right thing. I just wish I could reach out to him

Reply to anxious
Posted by: Chloe | 2012/03/01

By the way  if you don''t have contact with each other, how do you know he is going through something serious? Just wondering

Reply to Chloe
Posted by: Clhloe | 2012/03/01

Why do you say that you have most reason to see him go down? If something really serious was the cause of your breakup he would probably not want you to call.

Reply to Clhloe
Posted by: Gracie | 2012/03/01

Hi Anxious - I agree with Help, call your friend and give him as much support as you can.

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Help | 2012/02/29

Praying for him will not help, picking up the phone and calling him might..............

Reply to Help

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