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Question
Posted by: Nonnie | 2011-04-20

What to do...

I met a guy after 20 years of marriage, but it seems that I just cannot make it work. I wonder if I tend to expect too much from him. I have broken up with him several times over a period of 7 months, but keeps going back. He has told me that he would rather be with his ex who respects him and loves him than to be with a person that he loves. It doesnt make sense to me. He often lies about past relationships and I have recently seen sms on his phone where he replies to women that it would be good to see them again and in one sms he replied that he loved someone back! When I confronted him, he said that he needed me to get rid of these people who are chasing him, but that he feels it is rude to just ignore them. He says that he is not neccessarily being honest when he tells them stuff. He expects me to be understanding of this as my ex husband had the same problem. He also deleted his facebook profile and mysteriously this other woman hers. He is obsessed with my ex and the fact that I slept with 2 other guys in my lifetime. He does not want me to go out on my own and be with other people. I don''t know what to do as I sometimes think I love him too much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe I'm misunderstanding here. You have been married for 20 years, AND have just met ANOTHER guy ? His comments to you, as quoted, do sound curious, but that could be just how he feels.
He lies to you and seems to be seeing and/or flirting with other women. It's not expecting too much to expect him not to behave like this.
But its your reference to a long marriage that puzzles me. If you are cheating on your husband, this man you're cheating with may reasonably not expect you to care so much if he also cheats, on you.
Or is it your husband o 20 years who is behaving in this way - after 20 years ?

Then he tells you he is lying to these other women, but telling you the truth ? And he is so irresistable that these other women are chasing after him ? He wants to control you and to stop you from seeing other men, but expects you not to mind who he sees ?
Then you say you love him so much ? Nothing you have said about him sounds like a man worth loving - what actually is it that you love about him ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Anne | 2011-04-20

He is a bundle of contradiction and lies. No good.

Reply to Anne
Posted by: Nonnie | 2011-04-20

Hi CS,

No, it is not my husband. I was married for 20 years, divorced now. There is not much about this new guy to love, it is not that he treats me with respect, but he demands respect due to his profession. I know him for many years and after my divorce, we got together. He had a girlfriend for 3 years and I know that she loved him unconditionally, but he also came to see me during the time that he was with her. Now he told me that he would rather be with her as I do not respect him! What is wrong with me? I am blissfully happy when I am with him, but I always think that I will not be enough to contain him.

Reply to Nonnie
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-04-20

Maybe I'm misunderstanding here. You have been married for 20 years, AND have just met ANOTHER guy ? His comments to you, as quoted, do sound curious, but that could be just how he feels.
He lies to you and seems to be seeing and/or flirting with other women. It's not expecting too much to expect him not to behave like this.
But its your reference to a long marriage that puzzles me. If you are cheating on your husband, this man you're cheating with may reasonably not expect you to care so much if he also cheats, on you.
Or is it your husband o 20 years who is behaving in this way - after 20 years ?

Then he tells you he is lying to these other women, but telling you the truth ? And he is so irresistable that these other women are chasing after him ? He wants to control you and to stop you from seeing other men, but expects you not to mind who he sees ?
Then you say you love him so much ? Nothing you have said about him sounds like a man worth loving - what actually is it that you love about him ?

Reply to cybershrink

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