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Question
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/23

what to do ?

At my surprise I saw that my husband has been visiting plenty of hard porn internet sites yesterday....This I can handle..he is an adult and can do what he wants regarding this...BUT what bothered me is that he also has been visiting 3-4 sites where he can meet a sexpartner online and watch their porn videos...I also saw that he was spesificly looking for girls in the area close to his work adres! Ok...I''ve send him an sms regarding this...just mentioning it...nothing more...with no response. I know I will have to discuss this tonight when he gets home...but I''m not sure what to do. I have so many fears, questions and assumptions. We are happily married (or so I thought) for 19 yrs and have 2 beautiful young children! He is a very responsible and successfull profesional person.....but this is a side of him I don''t understand!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There's probably no substitute for a calm adult discussion about this, voicing your concerns ( not too emotionally, as the more emotion the less he is likely to be able to handle it or give sensible responses to you ).
Interest in porn is highly common, and usually has no sinister effects or misbehaviours and does not usually "progress" to anything else.
Its more the suggestion, as you imply, that he was seeking to share this with other women conveniently placed for his workplace, that is of concern, as this becomes cheating.

And if you get wrapped up in investigations, remember that lies detectors don't detect lies - they pick up signs that you are aroused and uneasy. So an innocent person whop is deeply guilty about even the accusation may show up, and a experienced liar who believes his own lies, may not.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: PI | 2011/03/25

Helper
A lie detector test will only tell you if he might be lying
A pi will give proof one way or the other. A small price for peace of mind if innocent or for evidence to nail him in divorce if guilty.

Reply to PI
Posted by: Helper | 2011/03/25

P/I may have a point, but what do you think that is going to cost you, these boys do not come cheap, almost the same as lawyers, you pay pay pay for every time they move. Check the cost of the Poligraphist and get a details quote from the P/I and compare. The Polygraph will tell you what you need to know.Good luck

Reply to Helper
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/25

PI is spot on. Christa, here is wishing that you make the correct decisions. I hope you will take the commenst and advice of the poeple on this forum seriously.
Better safe than sorry.

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: PI | 2011/03/24

Forget lie detectors etc& mdash - employ a private detective.
They will obtain banking ,cell and email records - dont ask how!
They can follow his movements with a tracker - 2 days youll know everything.

Reply to PI
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/24

Yes he will sound upset, hoping that you will feel guilty and forget the whole thing.
Analysis on the computer will not prove anything at all.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/24

no...he didn''t. He sms me and said I must organise some one to do an analises of the computer.....he sounds very upset about al of this.....

Reply to christa
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/24

Has your husband done ANYTHING at all today even slightly out of the ordinary?
Phone to ask something that was actually not necesasary?
Phoned more than normal?
Anything by=ut ANYTHING at all that is even slightly different to what he normally does?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Helper | 2011/03/24

Same Same is right. Get it out in the open and dont let him squirm out of it. Don''t forget, create the apprehension in his mind, this is vital. Go for it and good luck

Reply to Helper
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/24

No you are not making too much of this. You are protecting your family.
You have the right to do anything at all to keep your husband faithfull and your family together.
Doubt can kill a relationship completely and you are doing the rite thing.
Phone him now, tell him you thought about HIS offer of doing a polygraph test to show you that you are overreacting about matters. You have decided that HE is rite and it will make you feel secure again once that has been done. THANK him for his willingness to do this for you and indirectly the children and tell him that YOU will be organising the test and will let him know when it is and where he should meet you.
Well done, my personal thoughts however is that he now will change his mind and become sort of " how can you even think of doing this to me" , remember, he offered.
Good luck Christa, you are doing the rite thing. Please let me know how it is going. Stand Storng!!
Just so you know, my husband is also a professional man, his title starts with Country and ends with Manager, so it happens to the best of us.

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/24

i''ve taken your advice...phoned the polygraph people, got details.....sounds easy and simple. Now I''m just wondering if I must let him know.....Am I not making to much of this?

Reply to christa
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/24

H Helper, I have an idea he will probably admit to " most"  things shorly before he needs to do the Polygraph test.
I think he is calling Christa''s bluff here, He does not think that she will do this. It will be great if she could set this up, but as you say, SHE should set the entire thing up and he should not be involved at all.
And yes, she should threaten divorce, taking the house, loosing the kids, telling his mom, whatever so he can become aprehensive, like he should be.

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: Helper | 2011/03/24

Call his hand on the lie detector test. You must set it up, not him. You must make it clear to him that if he fails the test. I the marriage is over. You have to create a condition in his mind that he knows its serious. There has to be a certain amount of apprehension in his mind for the test to be effective. If he treats it as a joke, it wont work.


Make some enquiries in your area to establish who the registered Poligraphers are in your area. You can do this through the Security Association of South Afrca. They may even be able to point you in the right direction to a good one.

You must speak to the examiner and tell him exactly what questions to ask him and make sure he phrases the questions correctly. Usuall they only ask 4 or 5 of the most relevant questions. There is no way that he could pass a test if properly set up, if he is guilty..If he renages on the test, you know he is guilty.

Many people believe they can outwit the polygraph(lie detector/truth verifyer) so they readily agree but to their surprise, they cannot

Reply to Helper
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/24

Hi Christa, it is a long story and I would so love to share it with you without " blocking up"  this forum. It was hard work from both sides but yes, I did forgive and we both work on this daily.
Does your husband take any medication? Anti depressants maybe?

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/24

how on earth can you still be happily maried? I don''t meen to sound rude....did you forgive him? Do you still trust him?

Reply to christa
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/24

Oh one more thing. I am still married, happily. Thank God it was not to late to patch things up.

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/24

Christa. please... calm down, pretend that everything is ok and investigate this matter in your own time, finding the evidence you need to confront your husband properly so this matter can be resolved and you can move on with your lives. Think before you do. Do not act in a rush. Men are very clever when it comes to the things between their legs. You needt o be smart now !
By sending him the SMS yesterday, you gave him the time to prepare a story and you have also put him on " Red Alert"  now.
Now it will be very difficult for you to get ANYTHING at all out of him as he will cover his tracks properly until he is sure you no longer suspect anything.
Do you know that I smelt cheap purfume on my husband''s clothes and still I denied the truth?
Anyway, he will now concent to everything. Lie detecting tests, STD Tests, whatever you want. He knows you will not really bother with this and if you do and something comes of it, he could always bullsh!t his way out of it or get some guy from work totestify on his behalf that something went wrong here and there and where ever.
If the guy working with " hacking?????"  at his work can access his cmputer, yes the time can be changed from work as he in obviously on a network then.
I wish you only the best. My heart bleeds for you, but you know what, wheteher you find this out now or wheter you decide to ignorethis now, the truth will come out. I hope by then you can still resolve your issues and carry on and that it is not too late then.
Just do this one test..... get a pay as you go number and send him a sexy SMS ...use another name

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/24

ok.....I''m getting there.....I kmow I can change the time on my PC, but could he change the time on my PC from his computer at work? He even said and phoned one of the guys at work who works with hacking....said he wiill not touch my computer, I can give the computer in for investigation with a report and he is willing to take 3 lydetecting tests!

Reply to christa
Posted by: samesame | 2011/03/24

Please see what Tony wrote on the Sexologists'' site, post number 363.
What he says is ABSOLUTE FACT Crista...

Reply to samesame
Posted by: Same Same | 2011/03/24

Hi Christa.
Some facts:-
You are in denial - this is perfectly acceptable.
You do not want the hassle of fighting and upsetting everyone - this is understandable.
Do you want me to tell you how to turn time etc back on the PC? I actually learned to do that when I was fed the exact same lie by my husband (Sorry)
Candice is 100% correct
Look Christa, there is SMOKE so there must be FIRE.
You are a female, you have am extra sense, believe me you need to do this.

Reply to Same Same
Posted by: Kristen | 2011/03/24

Hi Christa, I have been reading your story and my heart goes out to you. This must be extremely hard. I just wanted to tell you that it is very easy to change the time on a computer and back date stuff all you have to do is change the time, even emails that were received today can be received yesterday and funny enough tommorow. So sorry there was no hacker.

Reply to Kristen
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/24

when I spoke to him last night he didn''t know what I''m talking about. We looked at the times on the computer history when these sites were visited...it was during the morning when he was at work and my younger son was playing on cartoon network! So it seems as if it must be a ''hacker'''' or virus that got in....

Reply to christa
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/24

There's probably no substitute for a calm adult discussion about this, voicing your concerns ( not too emotionally, as the more emotion the less he is likely to be able to handle it or give sensible responses to you ).
Interest in porn is highly common, and usually has no sinister effects or misbehaviours and does not usually "progress" to anything else.
Its more the suggestion, as you imply, that he was seeking to share this with other women conveniently placed for his workplace, that is of concern, as this becomes cheating.

And if you get wrapped up in investigations, remember that lies detectors don't detect lies - they pick up signs that you are aroused and uneasy. So an innocent person whop is deeply guilty about even the accusation may show up, and a experienced liar who believes his own lies, may not.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Candice | 2011/03/23

Same same is write, i''ve been there did axcactly as she says. If you want the truth don''t ask him find it yourself. Keep your calm and continue puting a smile on your face like nothinmg is wrong.

I did my research after i had all hard facts i presented to him and gave him a chance to change or continue, well he said he will change the first week he started again i left him it was already too late as he gave me a disease. After being maried for 12yrs.

Reply to Candice
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/23

Why did u sms him and give him time 2 get his story together?

Reply to Truth
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/23


I actually feel sick after reading your mail.Good luck for tomingt. Remenber, if you want the truth you need to be calm about this.
It NEVER is only porn .
The more you shout and make a scene now the more secretive he will become. Take your time....
I will think of you and wish you strenght

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: Samesame | 2011/03/23

Christa for 24 years I was in denial !! People would say to me that no-one works that late and that much. Am I sure he is not having a afair etc etc etc. I WAS SO SO SO STUPID.
Here are a couple more " signs" . I beg you to remain calm, analyse this and FIND OUT THE TRUTH.
There is never money
He is secretive about his Credit card statement
He always has cahs on him
He somethimes says he is sure some money got taken fromhis wallet.
He sits at his laptop after you go to bed. If you tell him tocome to bed he says he is working.
His SMS''s are always ''empty"  on his phone cause he deletes them.
You will NOT see his cellphone statement -
He has few numbers in and out on his cell phone.
You cannot find him on his cell, you phone his work, they tell you he has left, he phones you back, says they are talking sh!t he was witth whoever.
EVERONE tlaqks sh!t except him
So many many more..... You want more?

Reply to Samesame
Posted by: Christa | 2011/03/23

Maybe I''m in denail...but can''t it be that it is only porn and nothig more...?

Reply to Christa
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/23

I would have loved to speak with you about this but the bottomline is:-
You are going to confront him and he is going to deny everything. Even if you have the cold hard facts in your hand, he will deny en he will make you feel like the bad one.
Way to handle it is to keep it calm. Get as much evidence as possible and actually RIP the entire thing to pieces. I can assure you that he is already visiting whores in and around where he works. He is chatting on facebook and MSM and whatever else. Check his credit card for subs to adult sites etc.
Do not be stupid like I was for 25 years. You need to take drastic action NOW. even if you get a Private detective or put a tracker on his car. He is stuffing you around and before you pick up some disease tha he gets from some whore !!!! Thake action. Do not be shy to rip this to pieces. It is the only way. There are other things I did that helped me to find things out but I will not reveal that on this forum as there ae cheating men on here and once they see this it will just be to their benefit.

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: Christa | 2011/03/23

Ok...but HOW DO I HANDLE IT? How did you handle it? What worked and what didn''t? What''s the best way to aproach this thing?

Reply to Christa
Posted by: Chris | 2011/03/23

The same thing happened to me....only it was my wive that did it and not me!! It rips your heart out!!

Reply to Chris
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/23

Any way you could get your e-mail address to me Christa?

Reply to SameSame
Posted by: christa | 2011/03/23

yes he often works late, ect

Reply to christa
Posted by: SameSame | 2011/03/23

I was in exactly the same boat. Only other thing, my husband always " worked late" . His cell''s battery was always flat, he always forgot his cell was on silent after a meeting. He always " got lost"  somewhere or there was roadworks so that is why he is late and so many more things?
And yes, it started with porn as per your post and it progressed and progressed.
Any of thi sound familiar to you? let me know and if it does we need to chat.

Reply to SameSame

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