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Question
Posted by: DL | 2011-01-08

What to do?

I don''t even know where to begin really. I was married for 9 years to my best friend. We decided to get a divorce after I cought him ''befriending'' various women on dating sites &  spent insane amounts of money on prositutes - Not the cheap back street kind - the kind that charges R2500.00 per half hour. When I confronted him, he denied it. Got angry with me, slammed doors etc. So I decided to catch him on the very same sites he was on. We actually made various appointments - of which I showed up, but disguised myself. Only at the last one I went as ''myself''. Needless to say the next 2 weeks was hell at home. The grounds for divorce was that I was sleeping around - and I am being accused of that every chance he gets. I got to talk to someone on the same site and we became very good friends. He supported me during all this, and after 2 years of just being friends we decided to take it further. We are very happy together - apart from the fact that my ex-husband never signed anything from my attorney. After 2 years of thinking I was divorced, it came out that I''m not. My ex''s attorney is also one of his friends. I don''t know how this works - never done it before. I was only told that I don''t need to be in court as only one of us needs to be there. And apparently he was. So I never bothered with it. The problem didn''t stop there. We had a business together. He have the talent to get money out of people - who invest it in his ventures and never get it back. He cannot comprehend what he''s doing to people. He will go to a car dealership, test drive a car, tell the salesman he wants it and go through with the whole process and then just keep people on a string...never going through with the actual sale. He does the same with estate agents... It has come to the point where I don''t know what to do anymore. He still has not moved out of my house and I''m not the kind of person who would kick him out on the street. This is getting unbearable. My new partner is so frustrated with this! I''m going for weekend visits to his place, but we would like to move in together and with things standing as they are now, we cannot do anything! It''s hell! Worst is that he goes through women like I''m going through bottled water. Every week there is a new one - and sometimes 2 at a time. A while ago he had a women over at my house, but I wasn''t allowed to go home while she was there. I had to remove all my personal things - I mean EVERYTHING! I refused, but he and the maid did it while I was at work. I don''t know where to turn to. Or what to do with all the people he owes money to. Please give me advice on how to get this situation to get to a point where I can go on with my life. I don''t sleep at night, am tense all the time and am sure I''m not the best of company to be around. I don''t want to lose my partner because of this, nor do I want to live my life like this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Good grief, R 2500 per half hour ? And people complain that shrinks harge too much ?
Seriously, a liar is hard to treat. Even if he says he really wants to change - is that true ? Or yet another lie ? And very rarely is a liar motivated to want to change. Why should he, if it suits him to lie ?
I know this is not what you're direftly asking about, but do get legal advice, as your situation is legally pracarious, and you have a malicious HUSBAND ( if not properly divorced ) with a legal pal, able to make trouble whenever he wishes to do so. It is NEVER EVER wise to not turn up in court when a matter affecting you is being decided - this way the court heard only his point of view, without you being able to correct it. And if it really is YOUR house or flat this sort-of ex is living in, against your wishes, that is also an urgent legal matter - don't hesitate to put him out of it - with his talents he'll find a solution, but at least it won't be at your expense. Is it legally certain that you CANNOT do anything about the situation you find so unpleasant, or it it that you choose not to do anything, but reserve the right to kvetch about it ?
Again, if you are worrying about the money HE owes people, you need legal advice to either make sure you don't have to pay his debts, or at least to limit the damage. Don't let such things drift, or they will only get worse.
You need good legal advice, and the help of a counsellor to get the resolve to do what is needed to protect yourself. What you do NOT need is medication for anxiety that will sedate you and make you even less likely to act to protect yourself.
It is not your responsibility to sort out his life, find help for him, and get him fixed, nor is it even remotely possible for you to do so. Look after yourself. He clearly won't do that
And on your last point - if he is a routine liar, assume everything he says is false - you'll be right more often than not, and the results of guessing wrong will probably be less damaging.



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7
Our users say:
Posted by: DL | 2011-01-11

To Chantal
I do not love this man anymore...I do have someone I am with. For 2 years i actually thought I was divorced. My ''ex'' is just living in my house still without making plan to move.

Reply to DL
Posted by: Chantal | 2011-01-10

Look lady, just be strong and walk away, if you are married COP, take half and go....You need legal advice...Why would you care to bring him back on track to get yours??dont you then have a life?? You do have one... He is emotionally effecting you. Be a strong women, tell him to leave and everyday tell yourself :this feeling too shall pass"  and eventually it will, dont waste time.... He might say he is sorry and all that mambo jumbo but dont listen to it......

Maybe you should picture him with that prostitute then you would love to get rid of him. He doesnt care about you.... There are very good men out there, dont be stupid!!!

Reply to Chantal
Posted by: Hans the General | 2011-01-09

i agree with boo boo, walk away!...there are two things you need to do here whether you like it or not...1. get legal advice asap so you can get that out of the way and please deliver a solid account of all the events from as far back as you can remember, you must build a clear picture of this liar''s character and make it clear that your problems didnt arise overnight, establish a pattern so the law can establish the character, dont forget that....2. distance yourself from this character asap, please dont take any responsibility for his actions or for trying to " fix"  him, this man is clearly deceptive enough to make anyone believe anything so please do not blame yourself or think that you have to help him in any way, bottom line: this person is damaged goods and he will pull you into that rubbish bin with him if you dont leave now!

Reply to Hans the General
Posted by: boo boo the happy midget trainer | 2011-01-09

DL you cannot deal with a compulsive liar other than leave their lives for good and dont look back the fact that you are experiencing fear from this person should tell you enough its a bad situation and you need to walk away.

boo boo the happy midget trainer

Reply to boo boo the happy midget trainer
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-01-09

Good grief, R 2500 per half hour ? And people complain that shrinks harge too much ?
Seriously, a liar is hard to treat. Even if he says he really wants to change - is that true ? Or yet another lie ? And very rarely is a liar motivated to want to change. Why should he, if it suits him to lie ?
I know this is not what you're direftly asking about, but do get legal advice, as your situation is legally pracarious, and you have a malicious HUSBAND ( if not properly divorced ) with a legal pal, able to make trouble whenever he wishes to do so. It is NEVER EVER wise to not turn up in court when a matter affecting you is being decided - this way the court heard only his point of view, without you being able to correct it. And if it really is YOUR house or flat this sort-of ex is living in, against your wishes, that is also an urgent legal matter - don't hesitate to put him out of it - with his talents he'll find a solution, but at least it won't be at your expense. Is it legally certain that you CANNOT do anything about the situation you find so unpleasant, or it it that you choose not to do anything, but reserve the right to kvetch about it ?
Again, if you are worrying about the money HE owes people, you need legal advice to either make sure you don't have to pay his debts, or at least to limit the damage. Don't let such things drift, or they will only get worse.
You need good legal advice, and the help of a counsellor to get the resolve to do what is needed to protect yourself. What you do NOT need is medication for anxiety that will sedate you and make you even less likely to act to protect yourself.
It is not your responsibility to sort out his life, find help for him, and get him fixed, nor is it even remotely possible for you to do so. Look after yourself. He clearly won't do that
And on your last point - if he is a routine liar, assume everything he says is false - you'll be right more often than not, and the results of guessing wrong will probably be less damaging.



Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: DL | 2011-01-08

I am not asking if I should seek legal advice... The real question here is  how do I deal with someone who cannot tell the truth. It''s not that he sometimes lies - he always lies. How do I get such a person to seek help and get back on track with his life in order to get my own life back? I seriously do not know when he''s lying or when he''s telling the truth. It scares the hell out of me.

Reply to DL
Posted by: IMO | 2011-01-08

Legal advice is nessesary, consult a lawyer asap.

Reply to IMO

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