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Question
Posted by: Lizzie | 2010/10/14

What to do?

I went through a horrible break up 3 months ago and decided to move houses as the old one had memories of the ex. I was very sad then my mom decided to introduce me to her friend''s nephew just so I can meet someone new to cheer me up. I am not sure of my mom''s intentions but when I was starting to know the guy very well, he told me that he was married and my mom was not aware of this little bit of info. Anyway, he''s been married for 8 months and wants to divorce the lady as he claims I am the one. He has moved back to his parent''s house and is planning a future with me. We have been intimate and I do like him but my consicence is not letting me go ahead with this thing until he has resolved his issues.
He sleeps at my house about twice a week and when I tell him that we need to stop this, he becomes emotional and needy. He is a great guy overall, someone I do see myself settling with but don''t you think the right thing to do is to let him go so he can sort out or end his marriage?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He sounds really bad news, frankly. He's married only 8 months and already wants to give up on his wife, without seriously trying mariage counselling to sort out whatever problems he thinks they have ? Your mom didn't know he was maried and separated - apparently her friend, the guy's mother, didn't think to tell her these details ? And he cheerfully accepted the arrangement to see you, knowing he was married, and he didn't tell you this from the start ?
IF this is how her works and lives, what on earth makes you imagine you could be lastingly happy with him ? How can you be sure he wouldn't give up on you, too, after 8 months or less ?
You have some problems of conscience about this, but apparently not enough to have prevented yopu from being intimate with him already ?
He becomes "emotional and needy" when he doesn't get just what he wants ? Yes, I can imagine that.
And so soon after meeting you, he is already moving in and planning a future with you > Isn't that a bit impulsive ?
This sounds like a Really Bad Idea all round ; you still emotionally raw on the rebound, and him without any convincing evidence of emotional consistency or maturity and theoretically also on some sort of rebound ? How keenly do you want worse problems than in your ( and his ) previous relationships ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/16

He sounds really bad news, frankly. He's married only 8 months and already wants to give up on his wife, without seriously trying mariage counselling to sort out whatever problems he thinks they have ? Your mom didn't know he was maried and separated - apparently her friend, the guy's mother, didn't think to tell her these details ? And he cheerfully accepted the arrangement to see you, knowing he was married, and he didn't tell you this from the start ?
IF this is how her works and lives, what on earth makes you imagine you could be lastingly happy with him ? How can you be sure he wouldn't give up on you, too, after 8 months or less ?
You have some problems of conscience about this, but apparently not enough to have prevented yopu from being intimate with him already ?
He becomes "emotional and needy" when he doesn't get just what he wants ? Yes, I can imagine that.
And so soon after meeting you, he is already moving in and planning a future with you > Isn't that a bit impulsive ?
This sounds like a Really Bad Idea all round ; you still emotionally raw on the rebound, and him without any convincing evidence of emotional consistency or maturity and theoretically also on some sort of rebound ? How keenly do you want worse problems than in your ( and his ) previous relationships ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Anon | 2010/10/14

Don''t you think it is far too soon to be in such a serious relationship again? You broke up with your ex only 3 mths ago. Is this sufficient time to be able to tell that this is the person you would want to spend your life with?

He has also only been married for 8mths and suddenly he wants to be with you. What stops him from finding someone else in the next month? He is still married and is sleeping with you. Have you ever given any consideration to this other woman that he is hurting? Afterall he is married to her. Did you not consider learning more about this mariage and the wife before sleeping with this man?

You have been hurt recently, so maybe you feel the need to have another woman feel the same hurt and pain that you have just experienced and therefore you have no conscious here and don''t feel guilty about having this man in your bed.

Reply to Anon

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