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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010-10-07

What to do...

I''m in love with a man that society and my family deed not good enough.... he''s currently serving the end of his sentence for fraud (he was part of a group) and he has paid back all that he taken. I understood the implication of his wen we meet and 6mths later, I love him more than ever. he is due home between Jan-Mar 2011...I am prepared to wait for him.
How do I tell my family that whilst I appreiciate their concern. I love this man and I''ve made a decision to stand with him thro'' thick and thin... is love not about forgiveness and accepting 1 as they are flaws and all... btw,he is not a layman or criminal..he has an MBA from Wits, is very intelligent, just made some very bad choices based on emotions, rather than rational thinking. I know that he is remorseful and that if he could go back he would not have committed the crime. wat do I do...how do I tell my family back off.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

They're not planning to marry him. However, they may well have really good grounds for their concerns. Remember a man with skills in financial and business fraud, can also be well able to defraud someone emotionally, too.
Actually, I don't at all think that "love is about forgiveness and accepting" - it is not at all loving to forgive someone for bad things they did or are doing where they do not genuinely repent and feel bad about what they did ( and not just saying that because it looks good to do so ) and where they are not working really hard to prevent themselves from doing such things again.
Blanket forgiveness encourages bad acts.
Similarly acceptance. Are we supposed to "accept" child abusers and murderes. because "that's just the way they are " ? Surely not.
OK maybe he's not a layman, but he IS beyond doubt, a criminal - he is a convicted criminal, and has apparently admitted as much - or he wouldn't have had anything to pay back. That he has an MBA is worrying, as it shows he used his specialized knowledge for bad actions. Defrauding people out of lots of moeny is NOT a "flaw" its a carefully planned and carried out criminal act, with entirely criminal intentions. It requires a lot of very rational planning and activity to succeed, however temporarily, in such frauds - that is not the emotional action of a few foolish minutes. One must also distinguish between someone who is sorry for what they did, and those who are mainly sorry that they were caught.
So please don't be so naive and trusting. Don'\t ASSUME that he will behave impecably from now on. Let's hope that he will - encourage him to do so. But wait and see what he actually does do, and how honestly he does conduct himself after his release. Our prisons are not noted for succeeding in reforming criminals. He may need to see a therapist to make sure that he manages to do this himself.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2010-10-08

Thank you Doc, you have given me something to think about. He has shown remorse for his actions and I do believe that he will not re-commit the crimes he''s committed.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-10-07

They're not planning to marry him. However, they may well have really good grounds for their concerns. Remember a man with skills in financial and business fraud, can also be well able to defraud someone emotionally, too.
Actually, I don't at all think that "love is about forgiveness and accepting" - it is not at all loving to forgive someone for bad things they did or are doing where they do not genuinely repent and feel bad about what they did ( and not just saying that because it looks good to do so ) and where they are not working really hard to prevent themselves from doing such things again.
Blanket forgiveness encourages bad acts.
Similarly acceptance. Are we supposed to "accept" child abusers and murderes. because "that's just the way they are " ? Surely not.
OK maybe he's not a layman, but he IS beyond doubt, a criminal - he is a convicted criminal, and has apparently admitted as much - or he wouldn't have had anything to pay back. That he has an MBA is worrying, as it shows he used his specialized knowledge for bad actions. Defrauding people out of lots of moeny is NOT a "flaw" its a carefully planned and carried out criminal act, with entirely criminal intentions. It requires a lot of very rational planning and activity to succeed, however temporarily, in such frauds - that is not the emotional action of a few foolish minutes. One must also distinguish between someone who is sorry for what they did, and those who are mainly sorry that they were caught.
So please don't be so naive and trusting. Don'\t ASSUME that he will behave impecably from now on. Let's hope that he will - encourage him to do so. But wait and see what he actually does do, and how honestly he does conduct himself after his release. Our prisons are not noted for succeeding in reforming criminals. He may need to see a therapist to make sure that he manages to do this himself.

Reply to cybershrink

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