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Question
Posted by: Girls Only! | 2009-12-23

What to do?

hi there. I do not know what to do here and I am very distraught about the entire situation. My daughter that just turned 5 has been telling me every day for the last week that she does not want to go visit her dad and sleep over there. I know (via my daughter and her dad' s mom) that he has now moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 sons that are both younger than my daughter and apparently my daughter has to sleep in the boys'  room as well. My daughter just tells me that she doesnt want to sleep over at daddy' s anymore because she doesnt like to. I know that she has been the centre of attention for the past 3 years as her dad stayed with his mom and when she would visit him over a weekend she would be spoilt rotten with gifts and goodies and sweets and things. Like he was trying to buy her love and her discipline. Not that he needs to as she is mild tempered and very frienddly and relaxed and I never have any discipline problems with her.
How do I approach this? How do I tell him without him freaking out and accusing me of something. since she has started talking about this she has wet her bed every night and I really do not know what to think anymore.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm. One of the many problems aroused by spoiling a child, is that almost inevitably it wont be practical to keep up the level of spoiling to which the child becomes accustomed, and most reasonable kids will then conclude either that a Great Wrong is being done to them, or that something Awful about them has been discovered, and it must be their fault that they are now less treasured.
So it is indeed possible that her change in behaviour and bed wetting could be a result of her changed status. Or it is possible that somnething else has been happening - perhaps the boys are not treating her well, in the privacy of their bedroom ?
It would be wise to discuss this tactfully with your ex, not as an issue of blame, but to report the changes you have noticed, and to ask his opinion about what relevant factors their could be, and how best jointly to manage it.
But taking her to see a child shrink for a full assessment would be the wisest policy, to look at all possibilities, and to find the bet course o action.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-12-24

Hmm. One of the many problems aroused by spoiling a child, is that almost inevitably it wont be practical to keep up the level of spoiling to which the child becomes accustomed, and most reasonable kids will then conclude either that a Great Wrong is being done to them, or that something Awful about them has been discovered, and it must be their fault that they are now less treasured.
So it is indeed possible that her change in behaviour and bed wetting could be a result of her changed status. Or it is possible that somnething else has been happening - perhaps the boys are not treating her well, in the privacy of their bedroom ?
It would be wise to discuss this tactfully with your ex, not as an issue of blame, but to report the changes you have noticed, and to ask his opinion about what relevant factors their could be, and how best jointly to manage it.
But taking her to see a child shrink for a full assessment would be the wisest policy, to look at all possibilities, and to find the bet course o action.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Candice | 2009-12-23

Without alarming you and to rule out any abuse going on, have her examined by your Dr/paediatrition. Bedwetting could be a sign of sexual abuse and/or severe stress/trauma. In her mind she may feel abandoned in a way - if she was the centre of attention before and now she has to take a back seat so to speak. Her Dad' s g/friend' s children are younger and they live with him all the time.

She may not be able verbalise all her emotions but she is surely going through a lot of emotional pain and stress. Perhaps she may need reassurrance. I think you should also seek the help of a Child Psychologist as Maria recommends but she may, through play therapy deal with these unexpressed emotions and feelings your daughter is bottling up.

By forcing her to go to her Dad will only make matters worse right now.

Perhaps your ex husband should be informed that she is not well and until you get some help for your daughter, don' t allow her to sleep over against her will. The psychologist will advise how to handle this.

It is a difficult time right now being the holiday season and a lot of professionals are away on holiday.

Good Luck!

PS... Speak to your friendly GP and get some advice asap.

Reply to Candice
Posted by: Maria | 2009-12-23

Bedwetting is quite a serious response to the situation and I think it is very important that you should determine if the problem is just less attention from dad. Do you have some sort of legal contract stating when and for how long she must visit him? If at all possible I think you should take her to a psychologist who specialises in children as soon as possible so that you can get to the bottom of the problem.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: No | 2009-12-23

Then dont take her there..Period.

Reply to No

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