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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2009/12/17

What to do

I grew up in a community where there were so many girls falling pregnant at a young age and 9 out of 10 times the kids never knew who their fathers were. I vowed that this would never happen to me. I did fall pregnant when i was 27 and when i told the guy her told me that i should have an abortion and this is against my beliefs and I told him that i would not do that and that i would support my own child which i have done since then. He asked me to marry him and we moved in together and thats when I discovered that he was a serial cheater, and everytime i said something about it he would beat me up to the point where I could not walk. Our relationship continued until our daughter was about 18 months, and then he chose the other woman and I was told to leave his house. I left with nothing, and he didnt care that i had paid for renovations on his house. SInce then he has not paid a cent toward our child and whenever I claim maintenance they cant seem to find him because he works all over. I just gave up because he was not a factor in his daughters life. Since last year she seems to be a trophy child he only wants to see her when he showing her off to his family. This year he got married, and I know for a fact that he is still cheating on his wife. Unfortunately I also found out that I was HIV Positive and he was the last person that I had a relationship with, he does not know about my status. The wife does not know about our child and called me to check if he was having an affair with him and I just cut the call because its not my place to tell her about the child. He came with me to our childs concert and actually hid his face from the crowd - this was the first time he saw her in 3 months. On Tuesday he told me that his parents wants to see her and asked if i could take her to their house and he would bring me back home if its late. I have to take 2 taxis to get to their home. I went there and asked when he would take me home but he kept cutting he call and would not reply to my sms' s. I took my child and got back into the taxi and went home. The thing is i was so consumed with the fact that i wanted my daughter to have a relationship with her father I feel that I have allowed him to walk all over me. I have no feelings toward him romantically and would never date him again but I have this idea that my daughter will blame me when she is older for not allowing her to be part of his life. In my opinion he is hurting her more because he believes a child of 3 years old does not understand if he doesnt call. When he stays away she asks to talk to him. Suddenly now all I think about is the time that he told me to have an abortion and I believe that its what he wanted and he never wanted this child. What do I do? Am i being a bad parent.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Isn't it a pity that you so often only find out the really important things about a partner ( uncaring, serial cheater, e.g. ) when it's a bit too late ? Maybe this was part of the good sense of the old days when pre-marital sex was supposedly forbidden.
Sounds like you really needed, ages ago, and still need, good legal advice, especially about compelling him to pay maintenance and maybe repay you for what you paid on the house.
I'm not sure that you have tom provide him with acess to the child, especially when he only wants to show off his trophy. Remind him that he has a legal duty to pay maintenance for his child, for her sake, not yours. Why should his parents expect a visit from her ? And if his parents know, how does his current mistress not know ?
Though it is usually good for a child to have a relationship with the father, this is NOT so when the father is a bad person and/or when it's a fragmented relationship, on-again, off-again.
You are not being a bad parent - HE is.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Really | 2009/12/17

You are the best parent for your child because you were chosen to be the guardian of your child, that' s why you care so much what happens to your child and the relationships around her.

We all make mistakes, have regrets and sometimes wish things could be different, but we don' t have to beat ourselves about it. Rather raise your child the best way you can and enjoy the time you have with her, when she is older and you are able to have a constructive conversation explain to her the real situation. Children are the most amazing people, sometime we may think they don' t understand, but they do and most times all you have to do is sit down with the child and explain.

Let him be, you will be saving both yours and your child' s heartache, it seems as though he does not care.

The most important thing is that you tried your level best and pray that he comes to his sense.

All the best and be strong.

Reply to Really
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/12/17

Isn't it a pity that you so often only find out the really important things about a partner ( uncaring, serial cheater, e.g. ) when it's a bit too late ? Maybe this was part of the good sense of the old days when pre-marital sex was supposedly forbidden.
Sounds like you really needed, ages ago, and still need, good legal advice, especially about compelling him to pay maintenance and maybe repay you for what you paid on the house.
I'm not sure that you have tom provide him with acess to the child, especially when he only wants to show off his trophy. Remind him that he has a legal duty to pay maintenance for his child, for her sake, not yours. Why should his parents expect a visit from her ? And if his parents know, how does his current mistress not know ?
Though it is usually good for a child to have a relationship with the father, this is NOT so when the father is a bad person and/or when it's a fragmented relationship, on-again, off-again.
You are not being a bad parent - HE is.

Reply to cybershrink

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