Posted by: Amy | 2009-09-17

what to do?

I’ m 8 years in a relationship. I’ m 27 and hê  is 30! After 4 years we got engaged. Last year were supposed to get married! 3 Month before our wedding he got cold feet. I had to brake the news and cancelled everything! Till today I’ m not sure why he didn’ t want to get married! We were separated for a few days! Very hard time! I begged (I mean really begged) him to come back to me, coz I loved him and I couldn’ t imagine my life without him. Almost year gone buy and I didn’ t think that this whole thing would have such an impact on me! I started to change as persone, start doing things I’ ve never would have done. Nothing matters to me anymore, I’ m not interested in the things I used to be! I feel empty and alone! I don’ t know how to deal with this situation. It is so hard. I’ m unhappy! He started to notice my behaviour. We often talked about it and I know he regrets everything that happened and the way he handled it. He said to me the other day that he is not ready to get married, he’ s insecure about himself. Is he wasting my time? I mean 8 years and he is insecure about himself, not me! He wants to get married but not now. He told me that he loves me and he don’ t want to lose me! From my side I don’ t feel the same way about him anymore! I thought about leaving him, but I feel sorry for him! He really tries to do everything by the “ book”  and I appreciate it and sometimes I feel so guilty! I think it is too late, the damaged is already been done!

In the meantime one of my friends (know him for 2 year) told me recently that he have deep feelings for me from the day we met and that I’ m everything that he wants! He wasn’ t planning on telling me but he needed to know! I must admit, I have the same feelings for him (feelings started after the “ wedding thing” )! Nothing ever happened between us! I’ m so confused. I don’ t want to make any decisions that I’ ll later regret!

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Our expert says:
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Its not quite clear from your message whether you are still genuinely together. If so, you should see a couples / relationship counsellor together. If not, you really need to see a personal counsellor, to clarify the situation and your feelings about it. IF it took him till 3 months before a planned and announced mariage to decide he's not ready for mariage, he really needs his own counselling to sort ou what he wants. By 30 most people who will ever be ready for marriage, are ready. Don't stay with him out of pity --- it's his task to soert out his neuroses, not yours. I don't see why you should feel guilty. In couples counselling, the aim should not be to work towards an inevitable marriage, but to understand whaty is and isn't happening in this relationship, and to make a reasonable and inforfmed decision about it. He must realise that you will be missing other opportunities for happiness while you wait for him to sort himself out, something which it doesn't sound as though he ism actually doing.

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Our users say:
Posted by: m | 2009-09-18

My 2 cents - if you don' t love him anymore, don' t stay with him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and this might be one of those situations. You also need to look out for yourself, and if he' s just stringing you along, with no intention of committing to you permanently, then you' re better off ALONE.

You have feelings for someone else - if you want to take it further (once you' ve ended the current relationship) TAKE IT SLOW. Trust me. You' re very vulnerable right now, and you were very hurt and probably traumatized by the wedding thing last year, so you need to get back on your feet and " find yourself"  so to speak, and you can' t do that if you' re invested in someone else. If you rush in too quickly, by the time you' ve figured out what you really want, you may already be in a very serious relationship you now don' t really want to be in, and then you' re in the same boat where you have to hurt someone you like.

Good luck!!! I hope everything works out for you.

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