Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-25


Dear Cybershrink
I love my mother dearly, but she is driving me insane! My mother is staying with me and my husband. However she does not see it that way, I think in her eyes we are all staying together. But there is a huge difference, it is my house but I cannot set my own rules. In her eyes I will always be her child and I must do everything to keep her happy. She has never really shown my husband any respect and still does not. She expects breakfast in bed on weekends because that is what a child does for a parent! She expects us to consult her on every issue and inform her of our whereabouts at all times. She has a problem when we go out toO much or if I buy too much clothing! She treats my husband as if he is a child still living in her house and never asks please do this for me, she just expects it to be done. I am married for 2.5 years but my mother' s attitude is starting toput a strain on our relationship as I always take my moods out on hubby. My mother and I argue constantly and I am worried about the effect it has on the children. I have expalined to my mother that I do things differently and have even said that she must just get used to it, she would just tell me she will never get used to it. Then she will start with the blame game, everything that goes wrong is my fault, everything. She never says thank you for anything.
My daughter is crazy about her granny and I honestly don' t know how I will cope without her help, but she is making my life unhappy and my dear, sweet, patient hubby has also strated to complain. Please give me advice on how to handle it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She sure has very old-fashioned ideas about what a child should do for a parent, and breakfast in bed is a really silly expectation. You need to talk with her gently but very firmly, and remind her that this is YOU home, and belongs to YOu and your husband, and that she cannot remain a long-stay princess during an indefinite visit, expecting special treatment. This home works accoding to YOUR rules and convenience, and not hers, and as adults, you will do as you please and spend what you please, of your own money. Do NOT allow her to turn this into an argument, and remind her that these are facts, and not open to arguyment or change, and that if she wants to rule the roost, she would need to return to her own roost.
You can say that you appreciate her help, but that it has, while in your home, to be under your terms, and you will not accept the blame and guilt game. It would be far safer to your marriage and your purse, to have mom go home, and hire a helper if and when needed

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