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Question
Posted by: Cat | 2011/08/22

What should I do?

I am in a relationship now for 10years, we have 2 beatiful kids, but we are not married, mostly because I don''t want to marry him. The thing is, we met when we were both on rebound, he lost a child and was getting a divorce, and I just got out of my first serious relationship. He was drinking heavily when we met, but he never got aggresive then, then when we moved in together about 4 month later, he started getting aggresive, I wanted to get out of my parents house because me and my dad were fighting alot. And this was I suppose the easiest way to get out of the house, I was only 19 at the time. So when I wanted to get out of living with him (the guy) I found out that I was pregnant, so I stayed. Only to be alone all the time as he was always out drinking, and the to be tossed around and slapped around. I thought well he will get over it since he maybe had deppresion from losing a child an the divorce and all but it did not get better, we always think we can change someone for the better... well a second child was born and still nothing changed, then I gave him an ultimatimum stop drinking or I am gone, so he got those pills inplanted that helps you to stop drinking, although they only last a year, and everthing was great in that time. The he started again, he then got very sick had to get extreme surgery and was in bed for about 6 months were he could not work. He does not want me to work as he is to jealous and feels he can trust no one, he was in a relationship were the girl cheated on him and he found them in bed. And he never had a family relationship as he was put in the ''koshuis'' since he was gr2 and his parents got divorced at that time. He and his sister doesnt get along at all, so he has no one he can count on.
In the time when he was sick I started working but we fought everyday since he didnt trust me. So I stoped working again just to hear everyday of my life that he is the one taking care of me and I am eating the food he buys....
I was molested as a child by one of my uncles and I feel nothing sexually and he loves sex and I dont, and that is also one of our biggest fights.
I also feel like I have put up this mental block of not feeling anything that is like a coping mechanism for me, and so I don''t feel anything even if my kids get hurt and that is not good at all.
I now want to know he has no one and at the moment he will not be able to move out and get his own place, and I feel that I can not do that to my kids, throw there dad to the wolfs, but in the mean time I put up this act that I am fine and happy when I am not at all. I lost my credit name because of him I am so thick in debt because of him and I cant work to pay any of it of because of him. I don''t know any more? I am really depro but gotten so got at acting its scary. None of my friends get along with him they dont like him or the way he talks to me. My parents dont like him but tries to get along with him for my sake.
Please I need to know what I can do.
I am a routine kind of person and are really scared that I will go into bad deppression if he leaves and I am alone? and what about my kids how will they handle it? they are 6 and 9?
Last week he gave me a blue eye by accident, and felt really bad about it. He is a good person and I understand him and he has a good heart but I honestly dont know anymore, I am scared he will try to take my kids away since I dont work an cannot provide for them... ?????????????????? He still has a kid from his previous marrage but he hardly sees her, and we dont really get along but all because of her mothers influence.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

For clarity, you don't want to marry him, but you do want to live with him for 10 years and have 2 kids with him ? He was a heavy drinker and aggressive and abusive when drunk ( maybe that was WHY he had a divorce and "lost a child" ? ), and you wanted to get out of the house of an aggressive / combative dad ?
He is untrusting, and though it might be better for yo and the kids if he were gone, you feel sorry for him ?
Apparently nobody likes him, even you, if you're frank about it. And that seems to be HIS fault, because he works hard at being unlikeable and self-centred.
Is being with him REALLY better than being alone ? If so, given all the negative aspects to him, what that is genuinely good do you get from him ?
You ask what to do, bu seem to firmly rule out the obvious thing to do.
Caro makes excellent sense. Try to find a personal counsellor who can help you learn to like and trust yourself more and like and trust him less, and work out what is genuinely best for you and the children.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Heather | 2011/08/22

Just out of curiosity, how did he give you a blue eye? iI''m not asking to be nosey, but if you were argueing and it just " happened"  then I wouldn''t say that it was quite by accident. If it was a genuine accident then fine.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/22

And by the way - You cannot be responsible for his bad childhood but you ARE responsible for the childhood you are robbing your children of. Why do you feel guilty about him not having a family but not about the family life you are giving your children?

You dont want their spouses or partners one day writing on this forum about them being disruptive, abusive and depressed because their mother felt too sorry for their father. The viscious cycle usually continues because people keep the links joined. Break the cycle for your children''s sake. And their children thereafter.

This way you can turn all your smiles and happy faces into truth and not pretense,

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Caro | 2011/08/22

You know what to do because we all know that a blue eye is either cos you''re born with it, had a baseball accident or someone deliberately gave it to you. The first one you parents will not apologise for, the second requires a " I am sorry"  the third needs the police to be involved.

Go see a counselor mostly to get strong and be a caring mother and friend to yourself. You cannot feel anything emotionally for your children while being battered and having been stunted as a child and as adult.

Leave him. Find a job. What is good about a man who wont LET you work, is jealous and controlling and uses you as a punching bag to get rid of his frustrations. Ok - maybe he''s a little good but not enough for a woman and children to be around. Your children will be much better off with a mom who can stand up for herslef and them than one who gets beaten up and have to contend with a sorry manipulative alcoholic. Surely the situation at home is no fun for them either. There''s only one person in that house who gets what he wants and there are four people living there. Do the math. Do it for the children! Please.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/08/22

For clarity, you don't want to marry him, but you do want to live with him for 10 years and have 2 kids with him ? He was a heavy drinker and aggressive and abusive when drunk ( maybe that was WHY he had a divorce and "lost a child" ? ), and you wanted to get out of the house of an aggressive / combative dad ?
He is untrusting, and though it might be better for yo and the kids if he were gone, you feel sorry for him ?
Apparently nobody likes him, even you, if you're frank about it. And that seems to be HIS fault, because he works hard at being unlikeable and self-centred.
Is being with him REALLY better than being alone ? If so, given all the negative aspects to him, what that is genuinely good do you get from him ?
You ask what to do, bu seem to firmly rule out the obvious thing to do.
Caro makes excellent sense. Try to find a personal counsellor who can help you learn to like and trust yourself more and like and trust him less, and work out what is genuinely best for you and the children.

Reply to cybershrink

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