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Question
Posted by: Miranda | 2010-07-07

what should I do

Hi,

sorry this post is so long
My current situation is worring me therefore please can I get some help into the matter. Hubby &  I are married for 8 years now - have 1 child together. He is 40 and I am 38yrs old. Hubi is very much into porn &  very open minded, has lots of movies and spends alot of time on the net. I , on the other hand don''t really dig this , but I allow him to be his manly self. During the last 2 years I have allowed him naughty foto''s of me &  he introduced toys into the bedroom, done anal with him &  learnt dirty talk and I watch the porn occassionaly. I make an effort to be a little bit open minded. I enjoy some of this but do alot to please him as I dearly love him and want so much to give him his desires. He likes the idea of me flirting and dressing up sexi and teases me about other guys. I take it as good fun between us. In the last few months his fatansies are chanelled at taking things further. We spoke about it, not on a serious level and he claims its just bedroom talk and I should not get ahead of anything. So most of our sex life these last few months is always about me and other guys. In bed he always talks about it and now I see he teases me out of the bedroom with this . His previous marrriage as I did gather had been one which was " open"  and involved 3sums &  swinging, I think more on the experimental side. We discussed this back then and he did not elaborate too much, except say that he understood in our lives he does not expect any of that. I am really stressed about this as I can see by me not entertaining this fantasy it is upsetting him abit. He said he just wants to give me much more and wants to ensure I am completely satisfied. I find our life and our intimacy fine, I am not complaining. I am not easy about 3rd people the marriage. I have not sat him down and discussed anything with him just yet, but I am starting to sense he is serious about me sleeping with some other guy &  he would like to watch. I just can not see myself do this, mostly because of how I was raised and my strong Christian belief, my dignity and respect for myself. And there is so much bad sexual diseases out there. Really NOT happy and comfortable about this proposal - please some advice would be appreciated. I love him and I don''t want to loose him. Afraid of rejecting him. Help!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This must be very difficult for you. Unfortunately the things your husband expect may be too much if it is against your values. You have accomodated him up to now -most women will not be so considerate. It worries me that this was also a pattern in his first marriage and most likely a contributing factor to its failure as we know that the things he wants now, often lead to relational breakdowns. An intimate relationship is give and take and you are allowed to set boundaries. To say no is as much rejection as to ask too much. I would suggest that you consult a professional. Phone the SASHA helpline for the contact details of a professional – 0860 100 262.’

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tonks | 2010-07-20

WTF Bob? How do you get to him being gay/bi? What do YOU know about being gay/bi? Are you peraps talking out of experience.

Reply to Tonks
Posted by: Bob | 2010-07-10

Your husband sounds bi, or maybe he just gay. I ,love my fiance and i would never want another man to touch her.

Reply to Bob
Posted by: CANDY | 2010-07-10

I understand where you are coming from. I was once in a relationship were i was forced to do certain sexual things which i was very uncomfortable doing. But what ive learned in life is to say no , if you are not happy doing those things then honestly sit done with your husband and tell him how you feel. Love is about being honest and open with your loved one. Really hope you sort things out.

Reply to CANDY
Posted by: XXX | 2010-07-08

No matter what you fantasize,I would never allow another man to bonk my wife/partner-it just shows no respect.
This guy seems to have a track record which I would be worried about.BOTH partners need to be secure in experimenting in the bedroom and quite clearly you are not.You have gone the " extra mile"  already and personally I would not go any further.
Sit down and talk to him telling him your views and that you are already completely satsified.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Oldster | 2010-07-07

I sence you are a good wholesome girl with good honest values and for this you are to be applauded. I am not so sure about your husband though. His tastes are extreme for a stable happy marriage and as you rightly point out you are not available for a 3rd party to be introduced into the bedroom and you have strong moral feelings. I agree 100%. That is just looking for a whole lot of trouble. In addition, my opinion is that your husband, dare I say it, has no respect for you. There is NO WAY that a man who loves and idolises his wife, as we men should, would EVER have another man touch our ladies. Its unthinkable ! I think you have done more than your share to satisfy this guy, especially doing things you are not really happy doing. Its totally unfair of him to expect you to behave in this " off the wall"  manner. Tell him straight where you stand and tell him you will not go along with his wierd ideas. Good luck

Reply to Oldster
Posted by: Maryanne | 2010-07-07

If you not comfortable with it, just dont do it. I understand you love him and dont wanna loose him but if it doesn''t make you happy why do it. Stop doing things that you dont like for the sake of making the next person happy, your hapiness should come first Miranda.

Don''t do something that you will regret later...
Good Luck!!

Reply to Maryanne
Posted by: Man | 2010-07-07

I also used to fantasise about watching my wife with another man, but as a christian I know its wrong and had to put it out of my mind. Porn can open up some fantasys that could be harmful, and when playing like that in a relationship, it is very dangerous, so your best bet of having a secure marriage is to keep on with the toys etc, but keep it between the two of you. And get rid of outside porn, make your own if necessary,
God Bless

Reply to Man
Posted by: Leila | 2010-07-07

So how did his first marriage break up??? Was it because of his swinging lifestyle??

Reply to Leila
Posted by: sexologist | 2010-07-07

This must be very difficult for you. Unfortunately the things your husband expect may be too much if it is against your values. You have accomodated him up to now -most women will not be so considerate. It worries me that this was also a pattern in his first marriage and most likely a contributing factor to its failure as we know that the things he wants now, often lead to relational breakdowns. An intimate relationship is give and take and you are allowed to set boundaries. To say no is as much rejection as to ask too much. I would suggest that you consult a professional. Phone the SASHA helpline for the contact details of a professional – 0860 100 262.’

Reply to sexologist

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