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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010-01-13

What should I do

I made a decision to cut my ex- and the father of my child out of our lives for good as he is not consistent in his ways. When he gets upset with me he stops calling her, stays away for a while and then when he calls again he thinks everything should be okay. Since the 24/12/09 he has been calling daily and I ive been ignoring his calls. Should I return the call and explain to him my decison, does he deserve this or do I continue ignoring him?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds very like anopther query I responded to recently - do check the archives of the forum. If this good is such a rotten father that he takes it out on the chuild when he gets upswet with you, he is not fit to be abybody;'s father or to have access to a child. Its far better for a child to have no access to such a father, than to gave someone who irregularly drops in and out of her life.
As to tactics, hard to say. If you keep ignoring him, will he get the message you want him to get, or the wrong message, or just persist in calling you ? Better to explain the situation to him very clearly, and insist he must either be a full-time, consistently available and loving father, or stop pretending. It's not that the 3-year-old isn' intelligent enough to understand this - it's HIM who can't understand.
Maybe it'd be useful to chat to the folks at the Maintenance Court ( he should be required by the court to pay maintenance, anyway ).

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Our users say:
Posted by: socrates | 2010-01-13

babies....so easy to make them...so difficult to stick around.

Reply to socrates
Posted by: I know | 2010-01-13

Kick him the F*** out of yours and your child' s life. I have two daughters with a very stupid and foolish idiot who thinks he can just come in out of our kids lives..... the minute he comes back... he makes promises and creates nothing but confusion in their lives, then I am left to deal and clean up his mess...it happens all the time.

I honestly do not agree with the F*** of ' half a father is better than none' .... I get so angry to hear people with no such experience saying such nonsense... I say be a father or stay the F*** away.

True apply for a judgement against him... and make sure you keep it that away...unless he wants to be around, he shouldn' t be around....... why make a baby if you think half of you is the only part your child or children need?????

Explain to your child the real situation without so much as making your ex seem bad, just do not be nice to your ex because he thinks he can just rock up when his-|-and dumb brain needs to make you miserable.... children don' t need fathers or mothers like or that...period!

Make the right choice and do the right thing!

Reply to I know
Posted by: Woman2 | 2010-01-13

What kind of a court will make it trouble for the mother who has to put back the pieces of the disappearing father???

Anon i understand what you going thorugh and i think sometimes it easy for people who have not been in the situation to comment, my little girl is three and believe me she is as clever as it come, and she also asks me about her dad, and u know what, when the dad final decides to show up and i explain to him the effect that his on and off apperance causes to the child, u know what he would say, "  the child is too young to see anything and to even tell if he' s the dad or not" 

So tell me which court will approve of a father like that?

Talk to him for the last time and explain to him that if he plays his disapearing act again, you will never take his calls, he will have to go to court to get visitations rights or wait till ur daughter is old enough to decided if she want to have a relationship with him or not..PERIOD.

Reply to Woman2
Posted by: ............. | 2010-01-13

Sit him down, and explain your needs and expectations for the child, if he doesn' t listen, take action or you can cut him off completely. He can' t just call when he feels like, this will affect the child in a long run believe me, I have been there now my child is 10 yrs old. Her dad was also like that I told him that, he must not let his emotions or our differences to affect the child. Now we are in good contact and the relationship has improved.

Reply to .............
Posted by: Woman | 2010-01-13

You *have* to play this one legally. If you feel that he is not a good parent, have the court make a judgement against him. Otherwise you' re going to land yourself in a world of trouble.

Remember the state is the ultimate guardian of the child and your ex can make your life hell if you don' t keep it clean from your side..

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Anon | 2010-01-13

Jess she will be 4 years old, I have explained on numerous occasions to him what it does to her and he tells me that a 3year old is not intelligent enough to know that he stays away, even when I tell him that she asks why he didnt call. I really dont know what to do. I agree half a father is better than none but does this not make her feel ideally at the end of the day that she is not wanted by him.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Jess | 2010-01-13

Not to sound rude as I am sure the father does not make your life easy at all but honostly you dont have the right to take him out of your daughters life. Think about it . . . even a not so good father or a father who is in her life every now and again is better than nothing. You dont want him to come in and out of her life becuase that is not consistent to the situation but yet you are willing to take him out entirely which will be more unfair to her. How old is she and can you not rather explain to him how hurtfull those actions are to her and explain to her the reasons why this happens and let her decide depending on her age whether she wants him in her life or not?

Reply to Jess
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-13

This sounds very like anopther query I responded to recently - do check the archives of the forum. If this good is such a rotten father that he takes it out on the chuild when he gets upswet with you, he is not fit to be abybody;'s father or to have access to a child. Its far better for a child to have no access to such a father, than to gave someone who irregularly drops in and out of her life.
As to tactics, hard to say. If you keep ignoring him, will he get the message you want him to get, or the wrong message, or just persist in calling you ? Better to explain the situation to him very clearly, and insist he must either be a full-time, consistently available and loving father, or stop pretending. It's not that the 3-year-old isn' intelligent enough to understand this - it's HIM who can't understand.
Maybe it'd be useful to chat to the folks at the Maintenance Court ( he should be required by the court to pay maintenance, anyway ).

Reply to cybershrink

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