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Question
Posted by: Megan | 2009/11/04

WHAT NOW?

My boyfriend and I had a huge fight this weekend over something quite trivial. We were not together at the time and were sending sms to each other - what started out as a joke ended up being one nasty row - things were said by both of us which I think has irreparably damaged our relationship. He called me a two-face, told me to F** off, leave him alone, go away and never to speak to him again. I later sent him an sms to apologise for the things that I said to him, but he has ignored my apology. I am just as stubborn as he is and will not contact him or beg him for forgiveness as we were both wrong and I feel an apology should be forthcoming from him too. I actually think the fight was a blessing in disguise as this is the second time around that I have been involved with him - the first time ended a few years ago and it was a bitter and ugly ending to our relationship. We met again some time ago and started seeing each other casually, but later became intimate again - HUGE MISTAKE. After a while I realised that he has not changed after all the time we were apart. He is still the mentally and verbally abusive person he always was. He has also taken to hurting me physically when he sees me - like pushing me around, pulling my hair or pinching me really hard and will only apologise when I get upset. I realise I have made a mistake in getting involved with him again and I should thank my lucky stars that we are not going to see each other again, but the problem is that I love him and I really miss him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Fighting without doing unintended harm is hard enough to manage face to face - by SMS it is impossible. IF someone who maters to you annoys you by SMS or similar remote messaging - wait till you physically meet to discuss it. Firstly your communication then will be less ambiguous, and secondly by then you will both have cooled down usefully.
Here, with a previous history of a bitter end to the relationship, caution would have been indicated. You desribe a persistently abusive person - what in him do you love, and what about him do you miss ? And can't you find even better examples of whatever these factors are, in someone who is not an abuser ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Megan | 2009/11/04

Thanks to all of you for your input - you are all right - what the heck I see in this man is beyond me?? Hell no, I can do without him - he destroyed my self-esteem the first time - I had to go for counselling to pull myself right, NOT prepared to go through that again - at the end of the day - what has love got to do with it anyway? Many thanks once again .... you have really helped me to see things from a different and more sensible perspective

Reply to Megan
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/11/04

Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with the slug after your first lesson in "  101 People Dont Change"  course ?? Do you enjoy being absued, ignored, sworn at ? Please. take a moment and re examine yourself and be realistic. This column and Divorce Support are filled wirh sad stories of people who simply don' t get it. People do not change. If you keep going back you are goinbg to continue getting slapped down, abused and insulted. Gather up what self respect you still have and move on to a better life.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/11/04

You see we know what to do but its sooo hard because '  we love them'  but we have to think about ourselves first and what would be the best thing for us.
Try to keep busy, go out with your friends oer weekends and just try to stop thinking about him.
It gets beter over time and you know this too as you have been apart before.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: woman | 2009/11/04

No sweetie, he' s very bad news!! It' s always the bad boys though. I think you should really take time and think rationally about this. Love comes and goes, but your self respect, that is yours. And when someone damages that, they do not deserve to be part of your future. Good on you for stopping this!

Reply to woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/04

Fighting without doing unintended harm is hard enough to manage face to face - by SMS it is impossible. IF someone who maters to you annoys you by SMS or similar remote messaging - wait till you physically meet to discuss it. Firstly your communication then will be less ambiguous, and secondly by then you will both have cooled down usefully.
Here, with a previous history of a bitter end to the relationship, caution would have been indicated. You desribe a persistently abusive person - what in him do you love, and what about him do you miss ? And can't you find even better examples of whatever these factors are, in someone who is not an abuser ?

Reply to cybershrink

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