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Question
Posted by: Neil | 2010-11-24

What must I do, I don''t know anymore?

I am looking for answers because I am desperate at this stage to change what is happening to me.
I love my wife very much, but she doesn''t, doesn''t wear her wedding ring anymore, don''t want to kiss me or touch me anymore.
What happened is this, she had a difficult pregnancy and birth.
Unfortunately I looked at porn  we didn''t have sex for 18months at that point. She saw it, and said that I am cheating on her. Now going for 2years and 6months still no sex. The funny things is I didn''t hide the porn from her, it was there openly on my phone to see, and I knew she scrolled my phone regularly. Since then it went downhill. She doesn''t allow me to touch her or sit close to her.
A woman from my work is also pestering me with phone calls and email, she likes me and said on many occasions that she wants me to be with her, in no uncertain terms. The more I try to get her away from me, because I want to get my wife back, the more she pursues. She phones on weekends when my wife is close by, I am rude and everything to this woman, it doesn''t help. My wife sometimes tell me that my girlfriend is on the phone when she phone and my wife answers.

How do I get rid of this woman, I only want my wife back, but its slipping further away from me every day. What can I do, to make her believe that I want her and how do I win her trust back?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Neil,
Some women experience a husband's interest in porn as equivalent to cheating, others understand that it may occur, for instance, INSTEAD of cheating, if the wife is for whatever reason, however good, withholding sex. I wonder whether your wife may have had or still have, a degree of Post Partum Depression, after the birth ? Or maybe related to the birth, new discomfort when attenmpting sex.
Surely, though, your wife will be upset by this hussy at work who seems to be stalking or pursuing you, and making all the calls.
And, small though the point be, she should perhaps have appreciated that this was not something you chose to hide from her.
See a marriage counsellor together and work out the many issues ( there will be more than those you mention ) between you. And tell the woman at work that unless she stops pestering you immediately, you will obtain a court order forbidding her to contact you in any way - and that could possibly include approaching you ar work, which could risk her job.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Storm | 2010-11-25

Tell your wife about the stalker, and invite her for lunch , not at your house, God knows what she''ll do once she know where you leave, don''t tell her your wife will be present, when she gets to there, ask your wife to reveal yourself, and tell her infront of your wife that.

this is the woman you love,( meaning your wife), she is your everything, and you will never cheat on her, and for pit''s sake she should leave you alone.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: P | 2010-11-25

Your wife might feel insecure because of the porn or maybe even more because of this woman who doesn''t leave you alone. If all you really want is to have your wife back, please tell this woman that she will never get what she wants. Let your wife know everything about it, let her hear the conversation with the woman, so she''s reassured that she is the one you want. Now if you are unable to push this woman away because you somehow see her as a possibility for a rebound in case you need someone fast one day, that could be a big problem. Just tell her to stop calling you, call her a bitch on the phone if it need be, do anything in your power to stop her.

If your wife sees that you only love her, she will find it in her heart to forgive you for watching porn. There''s even a chance you might help her look at it in a different way. Explain to her why you did it and why you feel it''s okay to watch it. Make her understand that she''s beautiful and attractive and that you looking at porn doesn''t mean you wish she was like the women in it (We women don''t like the fact that actresses are nearly perfect and that no matter what we do we cannot look so good sometimes). It might take time but hopefully she will be okay with it after a while and maybe she will watch it with you someday.

Reply to P
Posted by: Simple | 2010-11-24

1) Tell your wife about the woman bugging you and get your wife to phone her and ask her to leave you alone.

2) Say sorry about the porn and promise you wont do it again, discuss the thing calmly until it is resolved, dont let it turn into an argument that ends sour without any resolution

3) Your supposed to be a man right, not a prawn so grow some balls your not 9 years old you should feel ashamed to ask a shrink who helps mentally ill people who live a nightmare to help you keep your relationship going with your woman, that is sad and pathetic

4) Number 3 doesnt count if you are indeed mentally ill sorry.

Reply to Simple
Posted by: just saying! | 2010-11-24

I am a woman and me and hubby watch porn together.. she is making excuses but the woman at work is your problem to sort out, it sounds like you did chat with this woman and maybe flirt abit and she took it the wrong way.

Some woman just can not take no for a answer and she want''s to break up your marraige, on question why are you taking her calls? one tip ignore her , ignore her and ignore her and tell your manager , she might tell him that you are sexually harassing her.

Your wife need to catch a wake up and fast, she must sort her self out asap, she is a mom not a vegtable and she is still a woman with needs, invite her next time to enjoy the porn with you there is nothing wrong with it...it is normal

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: ... | 2010-11-24

Devil knows what you still doing with someone you have not had sex with in 2 years. Where the f*ck doez she think you getting it esp if she doesn''t even like it when you watch porn....Selfish Cow!! You wasting your time due, your marriage is over and I dnt even think counselling will help as it is normally suggested in thi forum.

Reply to ...
Posted by: Unreal | 2010-11-24

So, na die porn episode (wat `n JAAR gelede was), wil sy nogsteeds nie dat jy aan haar vat nie? Hoe oop dees aarde kan sy na `n jaar nog vies wees daaroor? Ek dink sy gebruik dit net as `n verskoning, om eerlik te wees met jou.

En na geen seks vir 18 maande.... wat verwag sy? Daar vloei bloed deur jou are.. jy is mens!!! Jy verstaan dat sy deur `n moeilike swangerskap en geboorte gegaan het en daarom geen seks kry nie, maar dan moet sy verstaan dat jy mens is!

Dit klink nie meer of sy belangstel nie. Ek is `n vrou... en seks en aanraking is ook die eerste ding wat gaan as ek nie meer belangstel nie.

Ek weet dat jy wil nie hierdie dinge hoor nie (maar ek mag heeltemal verkeerd wees). Miskien is dit Post Partum Depression, maar as dit die geval is, moet sy hulp kry.

Jou beste opsie is om vir huweliksberading te gaan. Praat met haar daaroor en hou ons op hoogte. Sterkte  -)


Reply to Unreal
Posted by: Bboy | 2010-11-24

Change u''re cell no ever thought of that dummy, or do you want her to keep phoning you

Reply to Bboy
Posted by: Anon | 2010-11-24

You need to sort yourself your wife. Lay your cards out on the table and speak to her. Tell her either she plays up or you going to leave her. Dont cheat while you with her, Rather give her the option of pulling herself right and giving her time. But honestly, if she doesnt, find yourself another and lose the wife.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: QQFish | 2010-11-24

You need to get that bitch out of your life or she will destroy your mararige. Some women cannot take no for an answer and can be very evil. Get an interdict, change jobs, move to another city.... whatever

Reply to QQFish
Posted by: HUH | 2010-11-24

I dont think your wife is not being with you because of the porn i think its becuase of this other girl thats calling you.

Reply to HUH
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-11-24

Hi Neil,
Some women experience a husband's interest in porn as equivalent to cheating, others understand that it may occur, for instance, INSTEAD of cheating, if the wife is for whatever reason, however good, withholding sex. I wonder whether your wife may have had or still have, a degree of Post Partum Depression, after the birth ? Or maybe related to the birth, new discomfort when attenmpting sex.
Surely, though, your wife will be upset by this hussy at work who seems to be stalking or pursuing you, and making all the calls.
And, small though the point be, she should perhaps have appreciated that this was not something you chose to hide from her.
See a marriage counsellor together and work out the many issues ( there will be more than those you mention ) between you. And tell the woman at work that unless she stops pestering you immediately, you will obtain a court order forbidding her to contact you in any way - and that could possibly include approaching you ar work, which could risk her job.

Reply to cybershrink

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