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Question
Posted by: emotionally battered | 2010/11/25

what is his problem ?

he has had a drinking problem as long as i have known him.he has now stopped drinking for the past 10 days after again been caught out emailling a women he calls a friend in an intimate way..she knows he is married.
this is not the first time he has done this
his behaviour pattern is always the same
cannot handle family stress.it almost seems as though he creates it
drinks exessively
sms''s or emails women
i am wife no 4.he has a history of having either physical affairs or intimate affairs
his intimate coldness has fluctuated over the years.
he seems to give his all for a short period of time
he has 2 sons from one marriage and a daughter from the second
to me the pattern of his marriages seem the same including ours
he sees a shrink is on cipralex lamictin
one shrink said maybe he is bipolar another maybe he has borderline personality disorder
his mother was an alcoholic had emotional problems
he says he was neglected as a child
he is a successful businessman
he always says he wears many hats

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He is a problem drinker, who apparently behaves stupidly and in such a way as to distress others, when drunk. Sorry to say it, but a wife No. 4 rarely has any more luck than wives 1 to 3. By a 4th marriage, you can assume there just might have been excellent reasons why the other 3 gave up.
His history of such bad behaviour sounds far more like a personality disorder than any bipolar or other disorder likely to respond to medications - and such meds are pointless in someone who regularly drinks excessively - the alcohol undermines the effectiveness of the meds. Did he honestly tell the shrinks about his drinking and bad behaviours ?
I don't know what other hats he wears, but the alcohol hat will dislodge all the others.
Encourage him to get help specifically for his alcohol and behaviour problems.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010/11/25

HIs problem sounds a lot like maturity problems. If he blames his childhood for all his ills in life, he is probably still emotionally a child- the rest of us grow up and start taking some responsibility for the choices we make.

You''ve got to decide whether there is something worth saving in the marriage and if there is, try to get him to agree to getting help (remember that everyone wears many hats - you included - as you are mother, wife, employee, family taxi driver, chef of the home, cleaner of the home etc).
Otherwise, cut your losses like his previous 3 wives did nd then remember that wife number 5 and 6 and 7 will probably do the same too.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/25

He is a problem drinker, who apparently behaves stupidly and in such a way as to distress others, when drunk. Sorry to say it, but a wife No. 4 rarely has any more luck than wives 1 to 3. By a 4th marriage, you can assume there just might have been excellent reasons why the other 3 gave up.
His history of such bad behaviour sounds far more like a personality disorder than any bipolar or other disorder likely to respond to medications - and such meds are pointless in someone who regularly drinks excessively - the alcohol undermines the effectiveness of the meds. Did he honestly tell the shrinks about his drinking and bad behaviours ?
I don't know what other hats he wears, but the alcohol hat will dislodge all the others.
Encourage him to get help specifically for his alcohol and behaviour problems.

Reply to cybershrink

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