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Question
Posted by: Liza | 2010/01/06

What is his problem?

My ex-husband has been giving me more and more problems lately. First he says that the children can' t come on holiday because the car will be too crowded. So we organise that my Dad flies to Cape Town while the rest of us (5 people) go by car.
Then he says that the kids can' t come with because my brother doesn' t have a drivers licence. So we fax through his licence. Then he says that one car alone will be too dangerous - lucky for us, my sister moved to Cape Town and we were going to ride in convoy. He finally agrees that the children can come with.

It' s like he enjoys fighting with me. Then while we' re having our holiday, my ex-husband sms' s me to tell me that I must remember that January is maintenance increase month and I have to give him more money. According to the custody court order, increase month is in June. ?!?

Then my brother drives to Pretoria slowly to conserve petrol and ex-husband gets up in arms because the children arrive a day later than previously arranged. What must I do? These things happen. Would he prefer that my brother drive while dead tired at high speeds?

What can I do about this very difficult man?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Liza,
It does sound as though he has been searching for problems, doesn't it ? This is why it's usually best for even such issues to be decided, to the extent that this is practical, by the custody /maintenance court, to avoid future conflict and to prevent one party from inventing decisions they claim were made, which nobody else previously heard of. Check what the court said about the next date of increase, and simply remind him of that decision which you can remind him you are no empowered to unilaterally change.
And undercut some of his meowing by sympathizing with his concerns about the kids arriving back late, but reminding him that both of you more than anything else wanted them to arrive safely, hence the need to drive more slowly and economically at a time of higher risk on the roads. You can often agree with his supposed underlying and perhaps justifiable concern, without agreeing with the solution he demands for that concern.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/06

Hi Liza,
It does sound as though he has been searching for problems, doesn't it ? This is why it's usually best for even such issues to be decided, to the extent that this is practical, by the custody /maintenance court, to avoid future conflict and to prevent one party from inventing decisions they claim were made, which nobody else previously heard of. Check what the court said about the next date of increase, and simply remind him of that decision which you can remind him you are no empowered to unilaterally change.
And undercut some of his meowing by sympathizing with his concerns about the kids arriving back late, but reminding him that both of you more than anything else wanted them to arrive safely, hence the need to drive more slowly and economically at a time of higher risk on the roads. You can often agree with his supposed underlying and perhaps justifiable concern, without agreeing with the solution he demands for that concern.

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