Posted by: Cindy | 2013-02-18

What do I do my mom is against me

People I have a really serious problem the minute I find a partner and introduce him to my mother we fight and part these are the scenarios:
When I was with the father of my children she used to come to my flat early Saturday s and open fridges and wardrobes and shout saying kudliwa imali yomtanami la( you chowing my child’ s money)
Whenever she was at my place we used to fight like hell after she left, this continued for 5 years, he went and paid Lobola when I had my 1st child, when he wanted to send his father to finish-up we used to have a heated fight he would end up using the money for something else, this happened 3 times.

On the 6th year we fought until the neighbours called police and he moved out of the flat, even now when he calls to find out about the kids, the minute I tell my mom she will be quite and stop paying maintenance.

I was not in a relationship for 4 years after this she kept on saying I’ m fine when I’ m alone like I mustn’ t get someone otherwise we will fight and I wondered what she meant, In 2010 I met this guy and we were fine until 2012 when I introduced him to my mom last December we fought and parted.

I now fear that if I get someone and he finds out we will fight and part, when I was with my 2nd ex she used to come every day at my place but not say anything because I have told my uncles about here not wanting me to be involved, now that he’ s gone she doesn’ t come as often..

What do I do with her I’ m thinking of taking my kids and change my place, what puzzles me as well is that she says it with her own mouth that if I get someone we will fight.

She does the same thing to my elder brother, and my sister the minute she finds out that she is involved they’ ll fight when we talk about marriage she’ ll say NO YOU’ S MUSTN’ T GET MARRIAGE THERE’ S NO MARRIAGE IT LASTS ONLY FOR 6 MONTHS.
Mna I really tired until when will this happen. PLEASE ADVICE I’ m puzzled
Guys I’ m 39 years for crying out loud I respected my mom to a point that I got my 1st child when I was 25 and working … … … … … … … … … … … .WHAT DOES SHE WANT ME TO DO HOW DO I LIVE

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Posted by: Woman | 2013-02-18

Your mom needs some cleansing herself, this cant be normal. Could someone be doing that to her, so she will never have a healthy relationship with her kids. I suggest before you start throwing stones, you get all the facts. Get to the bottom of this, ema ka maoto suster!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Cindy | 2013-02-18

Even my uncles said she must release her heart so we that we can continue with life, I''ve talked to her many times and stopped calling or going to her but that does not work I''m just going to hide whatever I'',m doing from her

Thanks for the advice everyone, I''m going to work on this so she stays away from me. What does she want, you know at one stage I was so angry that I even said to her if you were my father I was going to have sex with you but now you are woman just like me, I even told her that mother I have feelings I need a man I need sex do you think she''s bothered.

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: Amasi | 2013-02-18

I am with P
She may not have been consulting about it (maybe you know her history of consultations) but she may have been holding a grudge or something in her heart.

So I urge you to talk to her to release her heart so that her kids can have success. Lastly, also stay away from that fear as it will be something you worry about everytime you meet someone.


Reply to Amasi
Posted by: Pretty Pear | 2013-02-18

Better sort it out now Cindy, it will be more difficult when she''s me...

Reply to Pretty Pear
Posted by: ? | 2013-02-18

Go cleanse and protect yourself in return then.

Reply to ?
Posted by: Cindy | 2013-02-18

I really think she is although its hard to accept that your own mother is doing it but it is so. She did not want the 1st guy and I used to borrow him without her know but some how she would find out, the one time he was coming from Pietermaritzburg and rolled with it, he had accidents whenever he used my car but that never happens if I drive it or drive his car.

Kunomkhuba i know she is loyaring me but I don''t know how to solve except that she mustn''t know what is happening in my life

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: ? | 2013-02-18

Are you saying she''s loyaring you?

Reply to ?
Posted by: Cindy | 2013-02-18

She doesn’ t fight me because I have a guy she will make remarks that was with the 1st guy with the 2nd guy she never made remarks because I made an ultimatum and said she must never come to my place the only time she will come is when I have a man in my life.
The fighting happens say 2 days after she’ s left not immediately, we fight because she came and the fight is from minor things, for example with the second guy we fought because he borrowed my car, which was not the 1st time he borrowed it but that day he made it a big issue saying he knows its my car bla bla bla bla
Even now I don’ t have grudges with these guys I just don’ t understand what causes the fights all I know is that after my mom knows I’ m involved we have to fight and the relationship ends, why I don’ t know as all relationships have hick-ups but my ones ends.
And it won’ t be like a taking a break sort of thing IT’ S A DEAD END, I blame her because she says it with her own mouth that I mustn’ t be involved if I have someone we will fight –  how does she know, why doesn’ t she atleast maybe say he will cheat on me or something else not the fighting because that is exactly what happens.

And there are many other single parents that brought their children on their own but they are involved
And the talking to her does not work

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: Amasi | 2013-02-18

I am slow today and can not understand your writing. Please help me understand:
a) When you have a new guy, she comes and fight with you. Or
b) Because of her coming you fight with the guy because of her actions when there.
c) As she keeps on coming, you will fight with the guy just.

As SK has said, sit her down and tell her to not visit you anymore as she causes troubles. As her as well what does she wish about you (u &  siblings) as her kids with regard to dating and getting married? What kind of a person she thinks you should get?
How does she feel about the fact that you (plural) blame her for your failed relationships?

Just have a long talk with her about letting apron string loose.

Dont blame her, I call it a single mother syndrome.


Reply to Amasi
Posted by: Cindy | 2013-02-18

I have spoken to her at one point I told her not to come to my place she will only come IF and ONLY IF a male figure comes to my house she used to call me and make me feel sorry for her but I insisted until I thought she accepted that I need a partner and introduced my 2nd ex to her.
She has raised us alone, and I have paid her back she has a RDP house that I extended and put up a wall, built rooms to rent out she doesn’ t need anything.
Also when my extended family come to my place she doesn’ t like it she’ ll pass remarks, like why were they there what do they want I’ m tired of this, one of my friends said to me I’ ll have a partner when my mom is dead but I not understand what she meant I now see this, and I’ m not gonna wait for her to die, I’ ll just vanish change my place contact numbers and stop my kids from going to her.

I also need to move on with life, I sometimes ask her what does she want me to do, cause we were brought up by a step father they were fine they never fought until he went back to KZN

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: SK | 2013-02-18

Personal opinion: She is one of those mothers that believe that because they took care of you as a child it is pay back time. She believes you have to take care of her until your back breaks. If I were you I would gang up on her with your siblings and tell her not to come to your houses unless she is invited.

If there are any feelings try and resolve issues with your kid''s father, you cannot pretend as if you don''t know that she is the cause of your breakup. Or derive you and your children out of a good future because someone cannot handle people being happy. No one wants to say cut out your parents or I walk but it seems he was pushed to a corner.

Seriously cut her out. If she continues threaten that you will never give her anything and will cancel her from all policies. Hopefully that should sort her out.

She is being very childish, jealous and vendictive. She does not want you to be happy. She probably raised you alone and think its her time now. She just want your money or to be taken care of and will eliminate any person that comes close to you.Talking like an adult is not gonna stop her, but you have to stop playing her games and live your life.

I know its a big pill to swallow but it is what it is.

Reply to SK

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