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Question
Posted by: Hurt | 2012/03/27

What do I do?

Dear Prof
I have been in a relationship with a man that is not married but have a child with his ex girdfriend. After a few visits this year to her he decided that they have to get back together again for the sake of the child. He promise that he loves me but that I have to understand that he needs to be with his child as the mother does not look well after her. He also cannot take the child away from the mother as a child needs the mother. He is acting as if it is all okay. He says that he will still see me, but will try again with her. I am very hurt and told him to go. It is very hard for me and I am struggling to not contact him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Getting back together as a miserable and unloving couple is not good for the child, and may not be necessary - she'd benefit more from a consistent relationship with two contented parents, even if they're not married or living together. If the mother really doesn't look aftwer the child properly, maybe he should go to court and establish that and seek custody to look after the child himself. A child does NOT need to live with an uncaring or neglectful mother - better to be properly cared for by someone who loves her, with access to the mother.
For him to continue seeing you while trying to create a proper relationship with the mother is not usually a good idea.
The recommendation of "retail therapy" is simply stupid.
Anon makes many really good points.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/28

l would not have put it quite like Gogo but l do agree with him/her............

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Gogo | 2012/03/28

He is lying to you he want to leave you he is afraid to tell u and he will come back for your punai and he is getting two punai at a time

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: Anon | 2012/03/28

Two parents forced together( especially when one is happily involved with someone else) doesn''t make good parents or create a good enviroment for a child.

If the child was being neglected by the mother he should have fought for her, it''s his right and responsibility to do so.
If the mother could not support the child finanicially and he was already paying maintanence he could''ve helped out more if he felt it was needed, and he could''ve bought clothes/groceries/school supplies instead of handing over more money if that was an issue.
If he really cared for and loved you, he would''ve found another way.

I guess what I''m trying to say is, if he felt that he needed to step up more for his child he had a lot of options, none of them requiring that he continue a relationship with his ex or sacrifice yours.

I''m sorry but I can''t help but see the ''for the sake of the child'' thing as a pretty weak excuse for wanting to go back to the ex, it''s a possibility and you should keep it in mind whenever you feel like calling him and remind yourself that you deserve beter than someone who can''t be upfront with you anyway.

Also, there are MANY orphaned children who grow up to be successful, healthy and happy adults. A child does not NEED their mother, they need to be nurtured, encouraged, loved and guided, all things that even a complete stranger can offer them. Again, just saying it''s a bad excuse.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/28

Getting back together as a miserable and unloving couple is not good for the child, and may not be necessary - she'd benefit more from a consistent relationship with two contented parents, even if they're not married or living together. If the mother really doesn't look aftwer the child properly, maybe he should go to court and establish that and seek custody to look after the child himself. A child does NOT need to live with an uncaring or neglectful mother - better to be properly cared for by someone who loves her, with access to the mother.
For him to continue seeing you while trying to create a proper relationship with the mother is not usually a good idea.
The recommendation of "retail therapy" is simply stupid.
Anon makes many really good points.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Girl friend | 2012/03/27

Every time you feel weak go shopping. One therapy session with a shrink or physcologist will cost at least R500. So only spend that,retail therapy always works as long as u do not go over yr budget and get into debt.

Reply to Girl friend

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