Posted by: charmian | 2009-04-14

what do i do

Ive known my fiancee for 7 years with a 2 year break in between. we neva could keep apart from each other becuase we loved each other. Since we have gotten back together again i have come to realise that he is not what i thot he was. Maybe ive matured and he hasnt. Im gettign the feeling that he has low self esteem and i say this because he uses silly mechanisms to validate himself eg new clothes, the car he drives, places he needs ot be seen and the overall image he wants people to have of him. he plays big in a small town. im also concerned about whether he really understands the meaning of love. because when it comes to me he is very clingy, does not want to lose me and wants to spend all the time together. he has said he feels lonely when i am not around. And he wants me to mother him.
i seriously think he has deep psychological issues that he needs to address but my problem is i dont know how to confront him in a non accusatory way or one that will make him feell like im attacking his character. I love this man and i want the best for him even if things with us dont work out i want to help him deal.
it is not causing a huge strain in the relationship but it has potential to in future.
I would also like to suggest that he sees a professional but he does not believe in them. what do i do?

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Our expert says:
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Long, long ago, an English poet made the sensible remark that :distance lends enchantment to the view", meaning that art a distance, in geography or time, things and people are remembered as being far better than they actually are.
From your description, he does indeed sound low in self-esteem and very emotionally needy, which is not usually the basis for a long and happy relationship. Forget that weasel word "confront" which has become FAR too popular these days. Confrontation is usually not helpful unless all else fails, and not even, always, then. I like Liza's suggestion that you ask him to help you by joining you in couples counselling --- and in that setting these broader problems can be addressed

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Our users say:
Posted by: Guys are babies | 2009-04-15

As a guy I can speak with authority. We are actually babies and very shallow when it comes to emotional issues. You girls are far stronger. We can however be made to grow up if you simply put your foot down and tell us how it is going to be and to snap out of any fancy ideas we may have of how cool we think we are. CS warns about confrontation, but I believe that you have to approach it head on and if his feelings get hurt, tough. In the end he will appreciate your strength. You baby boy seems in need of some " hard truth"  talking to. If he does not shape up then he must ship out. If you let him get away with it, he will be a millstone around your neck for the rest of your unhappy life. Just do it !!

Reply to Guys are babies
Posted by: Liza | 2009-04-15

Don' t suggest that he see a professional. Suggest that you both go for couples counselling together. Going for counselling before getting married is always a good idea. It might lift out problems that could cause either or both of you from making mistakes in future.

Good Luck

Reply to Liza

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