Posted by: Hayley | 2011-06-29

Want to know the POSITIVES about marriage

there is SO much negativity about marriage, i am struggling to find positive literature/websites!

I am engaged but am afraid of divorce, due to just about everyone i know either having been divorced, is getting divorced or is having maritual problems.

I am fully aware that marriage is hard work &  you each have to give 100%. I am sure about the man i want to marry, its just that marriage is so scary and it would be great to hear positive reinforcements for a change.

Any recommendations/advise would be greatly appreciated from those happily married!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sure there should be a number of such sites - have you googled the obvious terms, like positive marriage ? Why not consider some sessions of pre-marriage couples counselling ( maybe with a FAMSA counsellor ) to work on some positives and develop some useful skills together ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Laurei | 2011-06-30

Dear Hayley, there are no guarantees. Like most things in life, marriage is a risk which could prove to be your best investment or worst nightmare. Ensure you know your prospective partner well - love like you never loved before and trust in your instincts. Trust in your union, but it doesnt mean you must walk around with blinkers.

Reply to Laurei
Posted by: Honestly Saying | 2011-06-30

hayley - I''ve been married for some 33 years now, and have 2 frown children. Yes I" ve lost my figure, sacrificed, etc etc, but then so has my husband, who is the most unselfish man I know. He is the most amazing man - but not without is faults, like all of us.

I''d be lying if I said it''s been a bed of roses. Of course we''ve had our hardships and trying times, but TOGETHER we''ve got through it all. I have no insecurities becaue I trust him 150% and until he gives me reason to feel otherwise (which I believe in my heart will never happen), I''ll continue to trust him absolutely!

Would I do it again - You bet ya! If something happened to him, would I marry again - never! I know I''ll never find another man like him.

Reply to Honestly Saying
Posted by: Patsy | 2011-06-30

Too Lee, it is not a problem to sit down before getting married to find out if you are in agreement with the basics and have the same ideals. However, it is a fact that people can change, outgrow and replace the initial ideas of what they want out of life, with new ones which might or might not suit the other spouse. I commend that you had been married for so long, but life is not all that cut and dried and marriage is not only based on hard work, but external inlfuences too. Both men and women can change, and most of the time it is the men who cheat on their partners.
To Monk: Its a scientific fact, that most women do lose their figures after childbirth, especially after multiple births, and if not genetically blessed, will have need to work really hard to keep her body in shape. Many men find this unattractive, hence one of the reasons for marital affairs. Its just a fact, I have many married friends and acquaintances, and being married myself, this is what I have observed throughout the years.

Reply to Patsy
Posted by: monk | 2011-06-30

I have a theory about marriage. And I believe it is life. Life is just hard sometimes. We do not have enough single people to compare and say hey if we all were single we would be happier, so we compare apples with bananas. And the believe that someone else is responsible for your happiness is completely insane. Exceses such woman lose their figure and all sorts of things due to kids is a lot of bull. Men don''t give birth, yet they loose their figure too, it is called aging. It happens to all spices, including animals.

Notice how fast life gets, but how slower one gets over time. It is not the other parties fault that you have not achieved your goals, I have often heard married men dream about achieving this and that, had they not gotten married, nonsense. you would possibly be a drunk and still renting a flat, with only a bid screen TV and refrigirator. Now that you have kids and wife you want to believe otherwise, that is best average gift life can give you.

Same thing with woman, he is this and that. does not pick after himselve.....nonsense. do you honestly believe if he did it would be any different, it would be something else. the issue here again is, MEN and WOMAN have different priorities, in the past it was easy to just let woman handle all the big stuff such as money and all you had to worry about was getting a job, now the world has changed and our way of life is brought into question.

Marriage is not the problem, people are. we want to kill it because some of us believe we can do better on our own, yeah right. there is no such things. Marriage is not supposed to be difficult,

Reply to monk
Posted by: Lee | 2011-06-30

I have been married for 26 years (since I was 18 years old) and have 4 children.
A good marriage takes a lot of hard work from both parties - each has to give 100% of themself - it is not a 50/50.
You have to accept the good and the bad, sickness and health, rich and poor etc etc
My first advice would be is to each write a list of the top 10 things that are important to you - for example if you have kids at the top and he has it at the bottom then you need to sort these things out before you get married
Another thing - yes women sacrifice more but that is there own fault. Dont be a doormat, dont be a maid or slave to your family. You are also an adult, set boundaries
Marriage is wonderful but it is not for cissies!!! Todays generation has been taught they can bail out from anything without giving it a 100% effort. Work hard and it wont fail

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Maria | 2011-06-30

I suggest you get a book called " 1001 Questions to Ask before you get married"  and work through it with your partner. If you both do this openly and honestly then your will dramatically lower the possibility that you will find unpleasant surprises after getting married.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: L | 2011-06-30

I am sorry to say, having being married for 18 years, if i could do it again, I would not get married. I fear that in most marriages, (there being exceptions of course), women sacrifice and risk a lot more than a man does. We fall in love, get broody have babies, lose our figures, have to split ourselves between kids, career and husband, only to find after all the hard work is done, the man has either cheated during the marriage and / or turns out to be someone we didnt expect.
I dont think all hope is lost though, however it is a good idea to live with someone first, get to know his family especially the father in order to see what type of man he may become, find out the true colours, before taking that final plunge. I think background and family values play an extremely big part in shaping a man.

Reply to L
Posted by: Queen | 2011-06-30

About 4yrs ago I met a woman who was married for 3 months. She was already panicking about her marriage going wrong. There was nothing wrong with her marriage but she kept on asking me the " what if"  questions. A year later I heard she got divorced.

I believe our expectations from marriage will determine whether it will be a success or not. Expect it to succeed and it will succeed, also if you expect it to fail it sure will fail.

Getting married was one of the best decisions I ever made (I was 23 when I got married). I have a life time partner whom I know is there for me always. When things go wrong, he''s the first person I go to and he always eases my pain. Knowing someone loves me for who I am builds me up and makes me want to be a better person everyday.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: Zee | 2011-06-30

VERY GOOD question.
After thinking about this for some time I came up with :-
Given my life over I would not marry again. I would live together and I would have had my kids....

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Realist | 2011-06-29

May I suggest that you take a long hard look at your perspective partner by taking a note of all aspects of his behavior. For example, is he fiscally aware, or is he reckless with money. Does he appreciate the value of money ? Does he tend to sulk and have black moods? Does he display a short temper ? Is he a " me first"  type of person. Is he a drinking, fun with the mates typoe of guy?Take a real note of any behavior that displeases you, because....

What you have to remember, two cardinal rules in my book.

1) NO ONE ever " changes"  What you see is what you get. Do NOT expect him to change his ways

2) The seemingly small annoyances now, will become huge can''t live with problems later on in the marriage.

No one is perfect, but all I suggest is that you do not go into marriage with your eyes closed, thinking the problems you see during courtship will end with marriage.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-06-29

I'm sure there should be a number of such sites - have you googled the obvious terms, like positive marriage ? Why not consider some sessions of pre-marriage couples counselling ( maybe with a FAMSA counsellor ) to work on some positives and develop some useful skills together ?

Reply to cybershrink

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