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Question
Posted by: Ron | 2010-01-27

Want to die

I have a form of autism or some or other brain disorder which makes it difficult for me to function normally the way other people do. I' m 25. Recently I' ve become very depressed about my circumstances knowing there' s nothing I can do about it. I can' t keep employment. I have a total lack of relations with other people not out of choice but because I don' t know how to do it or how to speak to people. It doesen' t come naturally. This has made me very stressed and tense over the years because of the isolation and not being able to " vent" . It has burned me out. I really want to die as I feel it' s the only way out but I don' t really feel like killing myself. I don' t want to go to hell, but if I didn' t believe in it there is no question I would have done it already. My life is very boring and I go aimlessly from one day to the next. There just seem no point to carrying on like this. To make matters worse my mind gets afflicted with these horrible tormenting thoughts and worries about different things which I can' t turn off.

I' ve wandered if I might just die from loneliness or the stress. I' m against antidepressants or any mind drug not that it would help. I don' t know if a shrink could help because part of the problem is organic, i.e. permanent, and I don' t have employment so woulden' t be able to afford it privately and I know they are very expensive. I' m terrified of seeing a shrink especially if someone else finds out. My doctor knows about the problems and urged me to go to a psychistrist - this was about 2 years ago and I was working then.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sure you are indeed finding it difficult to cope right now ; adult autism is uncommon, and there could be dozens of possible reasons for the problems you face, all of them could be improved or even cleared up with proper treatment.
You're assuming that there is nothing you can do about this, but you don't seem to have done much, with respect, that could help. So far.
Don't assume any particular diagnosis or explanation is operating here until you have seen a good local shrink for a full assessment and a discussion of diagnosis and treatment options.
Actually, many people find it doesn't come naturally to them to immediately feel comfortable with other people and to handle social situations. But this isn't insoluble. Working with a counsellor / therapist working with modern methods such as CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) can help enormously to improve self-esteem and self-confidence, social skills, etc.
And there might be a significant degree of Depression, too - and CBT is proved by good research to be able to relieve depresson very effectively, just as some medications can help it. Its also good for learning how to "turn off" bothersome and fruitless circuitous thoughts and negative ruminations.
You seem to have made a number of highl negative assumptions - that there is a structural, organic, permanent error in your make-up ( unlikely ) which cannot possibly be changed or improved ( very highly unlikely ) ; and that antidepressants wont work ( they usually do, and they arent the only option ).
If there is ( unlikely ) an organic component to your problems, remember that while psychologist-shrinks are good at talking therapies of the sort you may want, psychiatrist-shrinks are also medically qualified, and can assess organic, physical components of one's problems.
I understand that you may be concerned about privacy, but actually these days surprisingl many people see shrinks, and less and less people are stupid enough to think anything less of those who do.
If you can't afford to see a shrink privately, consider seeing someone at a major state hospital or clinic, or at the Psych department of your nearest medical school - there would be medical students involved at the latter, but they are very helpful and are required to be as respectful of confidentiality as the doctors.
Also, while you should continue to look for a job, you don't have to remain unoccupied, which manifies the boredom and leaves you with far too much time in which to just feel awful.
Why not volunteer to work with some charities and NGO's ? If you can't face too many people just yet, what about some of the many excellent animal charities, where you can help creatures more helpless than you, and who are gnerous with giving you unconditional love in return ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: Albert | 2010-01-27

Hello Ron - well reaching out is a good place to start  I suffer with a condition called Aspergers Syndrome and for many years suffered just like you have. I was diagnosed last year and it was like being delivered. But it took me 52 years to get to that point of going thru hell everyday with an invisible condition that I didnt know about and nobody else did. My condition cannot be cured but there is a lot I can do now to improve things.

My point is get a correct DIAGNOSIS and then once you have this info you can start making progress with researching how to get help, medication etc.

Just knowing for me whats going on made all the difference. All of a sudden everything started falling into place. Most important like CS says get to a pyschiatrist as soon as you can and good luck.

Reply to Albert
Posted by: Sam | 2010-01-27

Hi Ron

I think you need a friend. Someone who will listen to all your problems, and understand. Someone who will allow you to speak your heart out, and who will sympathize with you.

Maybe you can go to a local church, and speak to someone there, you might just find a friend - someone who doesn' t mind if you are social or not.

I just want to say that death is not the answer, it' s the end. At 25, you have only lived a 1/4 or your life. How much of those 25 years have been unbearable? What if you can do something now, that will make the rest of your life fantastic, like you never want to die, like this one little human lifetime, is just not enough?

I am 23, and had a very hard time in school, and I had no one. The only thing that kept me going, was knowing that it would pass, that at 17, my life had just started. I had a goal, plans for the future, things to look forward to, and I tried to absorb the little things in life, to keep me on track - art and music were my choice of distraction.

So my advice to you, would be  to find someone for now - someone who will be a friend to you, and listen, and also to set yourself life goals, long term and short term, things to focus on, a way to channel your energy, all in one direction, and on your way there, just try your best, to see the glass half full, and not half empty. It' s not always easy, and you have to remind yourself to be happy, or have a happy state of mind, but it is possible, and THAT is how the rest of us make it through each day.

I hope you find your happieness  -)

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Woman | 2010-01-27

You know, I am generally very sympathetic towards people who consider suicide. I however find it very hard to feel sympathy for you. You are 25 years old= you are an adult.

You KNOW something is wrong with you, your doctor advised you to go to a psychiatrist, Yet you refuse to do something about it! You say you are " against medication"  why? If you have a headache, do you take an asprin? If you have the flu, do you take something? Anti-depressants are there to correct an imbalance. Nothing more, nothing less. It really isn' t such a big deal. Do you have ANY idea how many people out there function normally because of this life-changing medication? Probably not. You don' t really sound like a person who is willing to take on the responsibility of educating yourself.

Yet, you seem to be happy to sit and sulk in a corner. You don' t work because you are afraid that medication will be expensive?You' d rather take a cowards way out (kill yourself), than to sort out your life?

Read your post again, you are completely irrational!! And the sad thing here is that it so because you CHOOSE it! You are not considering your family, or your friends here. YOU are the only person who can help yourself, nobody else can. And nobody can take responsibility for you either.

Now, if one day you are sick of feeling like this, pop into your closest government hospital. They will help you for FREE (yes, for FREE), and maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, you can look back and say, hey, I have guts! I dragged myself up from a really bad place, and look at me now. But, then again, maybe you won' t, and maybe you' ll kill yourself and people will say:"  hey, remember that guy who killed himself instead of getting help?..." 

Reply to Woman
Posted by: ami | 2010-01-27

hi Ron,

Perhaps the following will console, or perhaps it might not, but I would like to share it with you:
Firstly, I' m not going to tell you that dying is not the way out - I wouldn' t know - plus I think about it too - every day. Though, I do know that dying is not a way through - that requires living. Therein lies a choice.
I' m not autistic, though every other thing you have described in your post could, well, be my very own words (being 25 too).
Which leads me to believe that what you' re feeling is possibly as a result of boredom and lack of stimulation.
I too cannot hold a job. I struggle endlessly with people realtionships of any kind. I feel aimless too... you know, every sentence of yours could be my own.
Truth is, I have no answers for you, but I do know that dealing with this sort of thing requires perpetual starting over...falling, starting over...falling, starting over... You' ve got to do the things that scare you every day. Nobody knows how your life should, would or could turn out.
I can' t imagine what it is like to have the brain disorder such as yours and I won' t pretend to know either. But I do know that you are a person describing emotions exactly like my own and like so many that I' ve had the privilege of hearing from countless other people... which makes you as normal as any human being on the planet! And as human beings, we all need intellectual, social, and emotional stimulation. If finding these things scares you or makes you anxious, you are just like any one of us.
If you cannot afford a psychologist, places like this forum are a good place to start. Challenge yourself, no matter how it scares you, to talk to a trusted family member or friend. Sometimes we think we have absolutely no options because our real options are just things we fear and don' t WANT to do.
If dying feels like your only option, what have you got to lose to try the things that terrify you. If they ALL fail, and you' ve tried them at least 10 times each, then maybe you were right.

I wish for you happiness with your situation.

Reply to ami
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-27

I'm sure you are indeed finding it difficult to cope right now ; adult autism is uncommon, and there could be dozens of possible reasons for the problems you face, all of them could be improved or even cleared up with proper treatment.
You're assuming that there is nothing you can do about this, but you don't seem to have done much, with respect, that could help. So far.
Don't assume any particular diagnosis or explanation is operating here until you have seen a good local shrink for a full assessment and a discussion of diagnosis and treatment options.
Actually, many people find it doesn't come naturally to them to immediately feel comfortable with other people and to handle social situations. But this isn't insoluble. Working with a counsellor / therapist working with modern methods such as CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) can help enormously to improve self-esteem and self-confidence, social skills, etc.
And there might be a significant degree of Depression, too - and CBT is proved by good research to be able to relieve depresson very effectively, just as some medications can help it. Its also good for learning how to "turn off" bothersome and fruitless circuitous thoughts and negative ruminations.
You seem to have made a number of highl negative assumptions - that there is a structural, organic, permanent error in your make-up ( unlikely ) which cannot possibly be changed or improved ( very highly unlikely ) ; and that antidepressants wont work ( they usually do, and they arent the only option ).
If there is ( unlikely ) an organic component to your problems, remember that while psychologist-shrinks are good at talking therapies of the sort you may want, psychiatrist-shrinks are also medically qualified, and can assess organic, physical components of one's problems.
I understand that you may be concerned about privacy, but actually these days surprisingl many people see shrinks, and less and less people are stupid enough to think anything less of those who do.
If you can't afford to see a shrink privately, consider seeing someone at a major state hospital or clinic, or at the Psych department of your nearest medical school - there would be medical students involved at the latter, but they are very helpful and are required to be as respectful of confidentiality as the doctors.
Also, while you should continue to look for a job, you don't have to remain unoccupied, which manifies the boredom and leaves you with far too much time in which to just feel awful.
Why not volunteer to work with some charities and NGO's ? If you can't face too many people just yet, what about some of the many excellent animal charities, where you can help creatures more helpless than you, and who are gnerous with giving you unconditional love in return ?

Reply to cybershrink

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