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Question
Posted by: broody | 2011-08-11

want a baby!

Hi Doc, I want a baby but I never found someone that I would want to have a child with, except for now. The prob is that my bf has twins from a previous relationship and he actually cant have children, so therefore I would have to go the invitro route. This costs R70k a time and is not guaranteed (I dont have this kind of cash). I am almost 40 so I need to decide what I want to do. The problem is that he has to pay everything for his kids as the mother doesnt have a job and is already financially strained. Dont know if I should get a sperm donor and raise the baby totally on my own or use my bf''s frozen sperm to go the invitro route and have him part of the babies life, although he might not be able to support it. Im at a cross roads in my life and need to decide. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Life does get complicated, doesn't it ? I wonder why you waited until nearly 40 before trying to have a child ( unless you already have a child or children from another father, and haven't mentioned that. Remember that with advanced maternal age, the risks to both mother and baby increase very significantly.
Your bf has twins, but apparently is now sterile or for some other reason, is unable to father children again ?
But if that were the case, I don't understand why you would want to go the in vitro route. If your bf is impotent, impotence can usually be treated sucessfully and in not to complex a manner ( and unless that can be achieved he would probably not be able to provide sperm for an in vitro prpocedure. If he can provide sperm but not intercourse, then artificial insemination should be simpler and much less expensive. Why would in vitro procedures be needed ? Usually that implies significant fertility problems in the woman.
You refer to his frozen sperm, so it sounds as though he may have been sterilized ealier, but has kept some sperm frozen and preserved ? Hasn't that been costing him a considerable amount of money ( I'm not aware of that facility being provided free of charge ). And if he can barely afford to support the children he already has, why would he choose to pay to keep sperm frozen ?
If you intend to live with him, would the children he already has remain with their mother ? Would adoption be an acceptable possibility for you, or are you concerned to actually bear children yourself ?
If he can barely afford to support his existing twins, presumably he could not afford to support any child you had, by him or any other sperm donor. Is that fair to the child ?
If you are prepared to consider pregnancy by an anonymous sperm donor, and raising the child yourself and entirely a your own expense - why did you wait until now, rather than doing so earlier ?
Sorry to pepper you with questions, but you may see how many issues are involved in the situation you partly described. Maybe the important first step is for you to see a counsellor, to explore all the relevant issues ; to better under stand what you want, what are your options, and above all, what would be the best for any child you might bear or raise.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Caro | 2011-08-12

Are you financially secure to have a baby? We adopted a puppy a few weeks ago and we would not have been allowed to if we couldnt pay the fees upfront, didnt have a secure fenced home, a kennel and bed or knew that the dog needs water available 24/7. If this much trouble is taken over a dog, dont you think that you need to take more consideration over a baby? You dont seem to have all your facts straight or a relationship that youre even sure you want to remain in. A baby is going to be long-term and the responsibility and cost is much more than for a dog yet making that deicision seems to go with less cosideration for some people. Not judging, just saying - think some more.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Helen | 2011-08-11

Just a question- how is it that your bf has kids from a previous relationship but he can''t have now? Did they go the invitro route? At your age, there are lots of risks involved, even if conceived naturally. Have you thought abount adopting? Or getting a surrogate mother? Or do you actually want to carry the child? I would look at other options, including dietry because what a person eats does have an effect on their ability to conceive.

Reply to Helen
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-08-11

Life does get complicated, doesn't it ? I wonder why you waited until nearly 40 before trying to have a child ( unless you already have a child or children from another father, and haven't mentioned that. Remember that with advanced maternal age, the risks to both mother and baby increase very significantly.
Your bf has twins, but apparently is now sterile or for some other reason, is unable to father children again ?
But if that were the case, I don't understand why you would want to go the in vitro route. If your bf is impotent, impotence can usually be treated sucessfully and in not to complex a manner ( and unless that can be achieved he would probably not be able to provide sperm for an in vitro prpocedure. If he can provide sperm but not intercourse, then artificial insemination should be simpler and much less expensive. Why would in vitro procedures be needed ? Usually that implies significant fertility problems in the woman.
You refer to his frozen sperm, so it sounds as though he may have been sterilized ealier, but has kept some sperm frozen and preserved ? Hasn't that been costing him a considerable amount of money ( I'm not aware of that facility being provided free of charge ). And if he can barely afford to support the children he already has, why would he choose to pay to keep sperm frozen ?
If you intend to live with him, would the children he already has remain with their mother ? Would adoption be an acceptable possibility for you, or are you concerned to actually bear children yourself ?
If he can barely afford to support his existing twins, presumably he could not afford to support any child you had, by him or any other sperm donor. Is that fair to the child ?
If you are prepared to consider pregnancy by an anonymous sperm donor, and raising the child yourself and entirely a your own expense - why did you wait until now, rather than doing so earlier ?
Sorry to pepper you with questions, but you may see how many issues are involved in the situation you partly described. Maybe the important first step is for you to see a counsellor, to explore all the relevant issues ; to better under stand what you want, what are your options, and above all, what would be the best for any child you might bear or raise.

Reply to cybershrink

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