Our expert says:
And I suspect some folks are growing fond of you though saddened by your feelings of desperation - good to hear from you again. There are several possible explanations for the sort of very distressing experiences you are describing. I don't think God is punishing you ( and you don't deserve any form of punishment ) in this way. but for reasons not yet fully understood, our reaction to p[articular medications can indeed change over time, sometimes unexpectedly.
I am worried that it sounds as though you may not yet have been seeing the right sort of doctors, as I am certain you can be helped very usefully. DO, please, arrange to see a good local psychiatrist, and, as you say you can't aford private care, through the psych dept of your nearest medical school or large state hospital. At the salaries folks get paid in the state sector, they're really not able to do it "just for the money" !
Maybe admission to hospital for a short while might be a good idea - not, as you seem to fear, to be locked up 4eva, but to have you for a time in a safe place where you can be properly assessed and protected, where if you are currently on any drugs which might be unhelpful right now, you could come off those in a safe place, and then, once the underlying condition can be properly assessed, you can then be carefully tried on meds with a better chance of helping you and ending these distressing symptoms which so understandable bother you right now.
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