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Question
Posted by: Joanne | 2012/03/21

verbally/emotionally abusive relationship

I''ve been in a relationship with a guy for 2 years, he lives with me and has been unemployed a big part of the 2 years, or had short periods of employment during this time. He also had major anger and aggressive issues during the time he has been living with me.I unexpectedly fell pregnant. At this time we obviously decided to try and make things work and he promised to work on his anger issues etc. However during my 5 months of pregnancy he has not stopped shouting and swearing and insulting me whenever we hit any obstacles or anything happens which he doesn''t like. To the extend where he has been doing this infront of my mother as well. This has caused a lot of stress for me, and I developed some complications such as high bloodpressure (stress/panic related). I have during this time also not received any financial support, emotional or physical support from him. In fact, he won''t even do minor tasks such as taking the garbage out. For all the above reasons, and in order to try stay calm and stress-free during my pregnancy, I have decided to move out of my own house (as he refuses to leave). Is this selfish of me to do? What are the chances of somebody like this actually changing? What if he does this when the baby is born as well?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So he is abusive and sponging off you, immature and indeed childish as well as unpleasantly aggressive ? Its not in the very least bit selfish for you to wish to avoid him. Its only unfortunate that you have felt you had to leave your own home and leave him in control of it. See a lawyer and get a court order to have him evicted, forcibly if necessary, and a restraining order forbidding him to in any way contact, approach or harass you or to return to the home. Then change all the locks and get a good security system.
He is very unlikely to change, and I'd doubt that he sincerely sees any need to change.
Also contact a group like POWA which advises and supports abused women. No child benefits from having an abusive bum around the home.
Its clear his promises to change are worthless, and only intended to persuade you to feel sorry for him and to let him continue to explot you.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Rina | 2012/03/22

Hi I was there for 15 years, I had to move out of my house to get him out of my life, he will not change it might even get worst now that he will have more responsibillity, get him out of your house..good luck

Reply to Rina
Posted by: KN | 2012/03/22

This sounds like my story except I wasn''t pregnant. I ended the relationship 4 weeks ago. They never change despite all the promises and apologies after every outburst. Don''t waste your time, you have a child coming that needs all of you, NOT a broken person. Good luck.

Reply to KN
Posted by: Liza | 2012/03/22

DO NOT move out of your own house because this worm refuses to leave. When he is out - put his stuff on the sidewalk and change the locks.

This guy will NOT change. He''s gets everything he wants without having to do anything. It''s time for you to put your foot down. If you''re afraid of what he might do if you change the locks, contact POWA - they''ll be able to help you through this difficult time. If you have to, you can get a restraining order against him. And of course you can always post on this forum for some advice and support.

Here''s a sneaky way to get rid of him. First break up with him and move him into his own room. Then proceed to make his life as uncomfortable as possible. If you''ve been giving him money, don''t do so any longer. If he asks, tell him that you''re broke. Ensure that the fridge is always empty - it might cost a little more right now to only buy what you need, when you need it, but at least you won''t be spending anymore money on him for food etc. When you cook - ensure that there isn''t enough for him too. Tell him if he wants to eat, he can buy and cook his own food. You could even get a takeaway and eat it before you get home - so that you don''t need to cook or have food in the house. If you have a prepaid electricity meter - only buy small amounts at a time - so that he sits without electricity through the day, but you load enough for the evening and next morning onto the meter. If you make his life unpleasant enough he WILL leave eventually - usually sooner rather than later!

Good Luck
Liza

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/22

Contact POWA, do not move out of your own house untill you have sought legal advice.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Anon | 2012/03/22

No it''s not selfish of you, you deserve to be treated with respect especially by someone who is sponging off of you and you have already put up with more from than most people would.

He promised to work on his issues and hasn''t done so, I doubt that in his case he will EVER change because clearly he doesn''t want to and would rather endanger your life and that of his own child than put in any effort.

While I sympathise with you trying to act in the best interest of your baby, if he hasn''t contributed anything finanicially towards your home he has NO RIGHT to refuse to leave, I''m sure there is some kind of legal action you can take instead of simply allowing him to force you out your own home.

Don''t feel like the bad guy here, you have in essence been taking care of this person for 2years and he hasn''t repaid your kindness, soon enough you will have a child who is far more deserving of your care, love and financial support.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/22

So he is abusive and sponging off you, immature and indeed childish as well as unpleasantly aggressive ? Its not in the very least bit selfish for you to wish to avoid him. Its only unfortunate that you have felt you had to leave your own home and leave him in control of it. See a lawyer and get a court order to have him evicted, forcibly if necessary, and a restraining order forbidding him to in any way contact, approach or harass you or to return to the home. Then change all the locks and get a good security system.
He is very unlikely to change, and I'd doubt that he sincerely sees any need to change.
Also contact a group like POWA which advises and supports abused women. No child benefits from having an abusive bum around the home.
Its clear his promises to change are worthless, and only intended to persuade you to feel sorry for him and to let him continue to explot you.

Reply to cybershrink

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