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Question
Posted by: Sade | 2011/09/19

verbal and emotional abuse

Hi,
We have been married for 5 years now and i''m unhappy all the time. i guess i should have seen this coming, we went to marriage councelling before we got married but my then fiancee refused to finish councelling(he cancelled 60% remaining sessions) because he thought the councellor was out to get him.
This should have been a sign that he doesn''t want to address important issues.
We have had financial problems but are ok now. I currently cannot tallk to him because every comment he makes is either be-littling me or those close to me. I feel verbally abused and i cant even tell the abuser that i feel he is not talking to me appropriately.
He is controlling and wants to know where every cent i earn goes to.(i dont know where his money goes to). He doesn''t want me to lend or help any of my close family with money but comes to me whenever cash is needed from his family. I dont mind helping but it has to be fair.
This is getting worse because its eating away my self confidence. It feels like the only way out is to be away from him(thats the only time i''m happy)
I really feel like i have been working backwards the past 8 years.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

When he cancelled the couselling before marriage that was a bad and ominous sign, and as you now know, that would have been the right time to call it all off. It does indeed sound as though he is verbally abusive, and unlikely to sincerely attempt marriage counselling, as he probably wouldn't want to face some of the ugly facts about himself.
Maybe you need to talk instead to a lawyer, and to a group like POWA which help abused women to plan a safe exit.
As for Sameshoes, its tragic to hear of a therpist foolish enough to be "lenient" on an abuser. Maybe he thinks he needs to be cautious to at least keep the abuser within counselling ?
A for the appropriate concerns for the kids - it is of NO value to children to be raised with an abusive parent, even if the abuse if directed towards the other parent rather than them.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Sameshoes | 2011/09/20

Have you tried writing him a letter? when I want to get a point accross to my husband I write a letter by hand, then scan it and email it to him. For me it renders the best results as it is more personal and the other person can''t reply instantly. So the message comes across clearer.
I am in the same position as you, re verbally and emotionally abusive husband, except that our therapist is way too lenient on my husband. I recently refused to go to another session and wrote an email to the psychologist to explain why. At least my husband is prepared to continue the therapy...but it is the third time we are going. He chickened out the previous 2 times as well. We have three kids so the stakes are high. If you do not have kids I would suggest considereing ending your relationship - the chances of him changing are very slim and you are in for many years of abuse.

Reply to Sameshoes
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/20

When he cancelled the couselling before marriage that was a bad and ominous sign, and as you now know, that would have been the right time to call it all off. It does indeed sound as though he is verbally abusive, and unlikely to sincerely attempt marriage counselling, as he probably wouldn't want to face some of the ugly facts about himself.
Maybe you need to talk instead to a lawyer, and to a group like POWA which help abused women to plan a safe exit.
As for Sameshoes, its tragic to hear of a therpist foolish enough to be "lenient" on an abuser. Maybe he thinks he needs to be cautious to at least keep the abuser within counselling ?
A for the appropriate concerns for the kids - it is of NO value to children to be raised with an abusive parent, even if the abuse if directed towards the other parent rather than them.

Reply to cybershrink

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