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Question
Posted by: Johanne | 2010/07/23

Using the kids

My partner seems to be using the kids against me. I am a discpliniarian while he does not believe in punishment. The kids around him knws that they can get away with murder and they look at me as if am a monster. I told him about this and he does not seem to get what am talking about.

A while ago after I had gone to the library to read and do my assignment on sunday afternoon, when I got back I found out that they had a braai while I was gone. i told him that i did not like it because he is making the kids to believe that they can only have fun around him, I also told him that the kids needs to see us as a team than for him to be doing things behind my back. He still does not get it. How do i communicate with him to change this behaviour?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As I often say, I believe it is very important for children that both parents agree on a set of significant rules and consequences for breaking them - inconsistency and thus chaotic discipline, is distressing for them and makes it hard for them to form a stable sense of right and wrong.
And for either partner to use the children as a weapon against the other is, in my view, a form of child abuse.
Sounds like he may have really low self-esteem, and to be trying to buy their affection, mistakenly assuming that the could not like and respect him if he held to reasonable shared rules.
Is couples counselling an option ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/23

As I often say, I believe it is very important for children that both parents agree on a set of significant rules and consequences for breaking them - inconsistency and thus chaotic discipline, is distressing for them and makes it hard for them to form a stable sense of right and wrong.
And for either partner to use the children as a weapon against the other is, in my view, a form of child abuse.
Sounds like he may have really low self-esteem, and to be trying to buy their affection, mistakenly assuming that the could not like and respect him if he held to reasonable shared rules.
Is couples counselling an option ?

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