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Question
Posted by: Jeff | 2010/10/07

urges to cheat

Hi I am 40 years old and have been married for 20 years. My marriage has been good with the ussual up and downs but recently I have experienced these urges to put it blunty, commit adultry. Obviously I know that these urges pose dire consequences and although I have never acted upon them I do not know if I would be able to control them in all circumstances.
I have been to psychotherapy and now my medical aid is exhausted but I still struggle with these feelings. In order to redirect my thinking patterns I have started a new hobby, I excercise vigorously 6 days a week and is also on anti-depresants.
The underlying issue is that I got married at a very, very young age and not under ideal circumstances. (My wife was pregnant, pressure from parents etc..). She was my first and only girlfriend and I still love her very much, but still I constantly wonder about what it must be like to be with another woman, even as a once off experience.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like what used to be called the Seven Year Itch. And it is based on false assumptions - that by marrying young you somehow missed out on a period of marvellous promiscuous bliss, and that you now deserve to make up for that. So you married young and under some degree of pressure. Many people do. Cheating runs a really high risk of ruining or losing what you have - and a very slim chance that you'd actually find anything better. Why and how would any other woman be any better than your wife ? There are many things I'd guess you haven't done in your life - you have never visited Arabia and eaten sheeps eyeballs, considered a delicacy - do you really think you have missed something important to you, or that you'd really enjoy the eyeballs if you sneaked out some night to eat them ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bee | 2010/10/07

I''m married 5 years now and have the same thoughts/feelings as you. What I''ve decided is that life''s short and I don''t always want to wonder what if and feel like I''m missing out. So when I meet a prefect 10 I''ll drop my panties in a heart beat. I don''t think the perfect 10 exists or will be interested in me, but I''m only willing to risk it for a perfect 10!

Reply to Bee
Posted by: Soul | 2010/10/07

Jeff it''s not as great as you think it is out there. Are you really prepared to risk what you have with your wife for a fling for sex with someone you don''t know and care about? Can you live with the guilt?
How would you feel if your wife felt this way and was contemplating doing the same thing, would you be forgiving and be able to look past it like nothing happened?

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/07

The guilt will not be worth it.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: Horny Guy | 2010/10/07

hey jeff can i have your wife.....

Reply to Horny Guy
Posted by: geez | 2010/10/07

Hi Jeff. Have you ever thought of how the girl you will be having sex with, will feel??? It is not just about you, there are so many other people involved. However, if that is how you feel and really need to accomplish, pay a prostitute and get it out of the way. At least then the hooker will know it is just sex and nothing more!

Reply to geez
Posted by: Leez | 2010/10/07

From a married woman''s POV. For obvious reasons, I don''t condone these urges, BUT, we are human after all and urges like these are normal. Why not maybe just pep up your sex life with your wife a little (visit an adult shop, club, etc) or maybe even buy a toy.....this could be what is lacking maybe, some spice in the bedroom?
It''s just my 2c worth since I''m no counsellor.
Good luck :-)

Reply to Leez
Posted by: Hope* | 2010/10/07

Sorry to post before CS. I often just read but this time I feel I''d like to say something and that is that you say you still love your wife? if you love and respect her why these thoughts? There are many, many people on this earth who''ve married young and their partner being the only one ever. It almost sounds as though you''ve made your mind up already that you think you deserve a little " cheat."  Forgive me if I''m wrong but please stop yourself before you ruin your whole life.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/07

Sounds like what used to be called the Seven Year Itch. And it is based on false assumptions - that by marrying young you somehow missed out on a period of marvellous promiscuous bliss, and that you now deserve to make up for that. So you married young and under some degree of pressure. Many people do. Cheating runs a really high risk of ruining or losing what you have - and a very slim chance that you'd actually find anything better. Why and how would any other woman be any better than your wife ? There are many things I'd guess you haven't done in your life - you have never visited Arabia and eaten sheeps eyeballs, considered a delicacy - do you really think you have missed something important to you, or that you'd really enjoy the eyeballs if you sneaked out some night to eat them ?

Reply to cybershrink

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