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Posted by: Upset | 2012-06-16

Upset

My husband and I got married late last year, it is our second marriage and we are both in our fifties. I gave up my job and moved from the city to a smaller town where he lives. We bought a new house and moved in.He is very disorganised and I moved everything of his to one side of the garage for him to sort out. Today he was looking for something and found a photo album lying on the floor and accused me of having no respect for his precious belongnings and delibaretly placing it in front of the garage door so that if it rains the rain will destroy it. I haven''t even seen it or touched it as I only asked the gardener to assist me to move his stuff, as it was lying on the floor of the garage and you couldn''t even walk there. I was very hurt and left and came to my sister in the city. I don''t know if I want to go back, he''s gotmoodswings and change from being loving to an aggressive person within minutes.He is estranged from his children and family and has no friends. How do I handle this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds as though you both over-reacted here. Do you / did you, actually get to know each other well enough before getting married ? Why notconsider some couples cousnelling / marriage counselling, to sort out both these specific problems, and to develop a better shared problem-solving technique ? Clearly, all the deep feelings here are about much more than just the photo album, though he may fel that represents a lack of respect for his own personal history.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: qwerty | 2012-06-18

It sounds as though there is blame to go around here. Yes, it does sound like he over reacted, but perhaps he was already feeling resentful that his possessions had been banished to one side of the garage? If the two of you bought the house together, than he has as much right to having his stuff in the house as you do - whether or not it''s been organised.

Perhaps his anger was misdirected and inappropriately expressed, but leaving altogether was hardly an appropriate response, and made it very unlikely for the original issue to be resolved. From your side I would guess there is a bit of resentment at having moved cities for him, and perhaps an expectation that he should be more appreciative and compliant. The real issue is unlikely to just be about the photo album.

If the both of you are serious about making this marriage work, you will need to sit down and talk. Find out what he is unhappy about, and tell him (without blaming him or accusing him) what you are struggling with. Having a calm chat where both of you resolve not to get emotional or upset, but get to explain your own feelings will do wonders for resolving a lot of the conflict you are currently having.

Good luck!

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-18

Sounds as though you both over-reacted here. Do you / did you, actually get to know each other well enough before getting married ? Why notconsider some couples cousnelling / marriage counselling, to sort out both these specific problems, and to develop a better shared problem-solving technique ? Clearly, all the deep feelings here are about much more than just the photo album, though he may fel that represents a lack of respect for his own personal history.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Tanya | 2012-06-17

If this photo album was so precious to your husband why did he put it amongst a pile of his stuff in the garage. He should have put it under his pillow. Sounds like he should do some growing up.

Maria, your neverending patience is much admired. I mean it in the nicest possible way.

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: Asking............... | 2012-06-17

Mature people do not leave the marital home and rush back to their sister after being critised by a spouse.
Have you tried relationship councelling?

Reply to Asking...............
Posted by: Maria | 2012-06-16

How long did you know each other before you got married, and how much time did you actually spend together? It doesn''t sound as if he has changed since the marriage, rather that this is who he has always been. What made you love him? What personal characteristics to you value in him?

Reply to Maria

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