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Question
Posted by: Controlfreak | 2011/06/04

Update on progress

Hi Doc, Just wanted to thank you for the support. I am feeling much better. I have let go of certain issues at work that I felt is draining my energy, because they are beyond my control. And as for my colleague - he is way in over his head with all the work that has been coming to his side. He''s still trying to build relationships with my clients, like promised one he wil e-mail him directly. But when he asked me for the e-mail address I just said: Look on the contact list. And I think that put him off.He does not even know where to find the contact list, because I spoonfeed him everything. I supervised his visit at a site and he tried to undermine my authority, long explanation, but I stood my ground and he did what I told him to do. I realised that he is inexperienced and that if I leave him be, and not take control over everything he does and assist him with everything, it will soon become evident that he is incompetent. Maybe not tomorrow, but within the next year. My manager was already concerned about reviewing my reports, because I have 5 days to submit my report and today was the 5th day, so I said, don''t worry, it will be in your inbox by Saturday. So she realises she is delaying the process, because the client could have received the report today, now it has to wait until she has to review it on Monday. And I''m out of the office for 3 days. So I might only send it to the client on Thursday. Why would I bend over backwards to log on Monday night to send the report? I can just do what everyone in the office does, no one else works after hours and weekends. I had a good talk with my psychologist and she told me not to assist my colleague, because I''m making him look good. And I realised that it is true. It takes a lot of self control to stand back and watch him suffer! But, I''m getting there. I am also sleeping better. I actually went to the office at 7am this week and not 6am. And I took one afternoon off - just because I wanted to be spiteful and not assist my colleague and I could get an appointment with my psychologist that afternoon. I think I am starting to win the situation, and I did not think it was possible.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi CF,
Thanks so much for the feedback, I'm so pleased to hear you are feeling better.
It is always so wise, and such a relief, to recognize the value of letting go of attempts to control things that are uncontrollable. Its the King Canute Syndrome, I suspect !
If the associate is getting too greedy, of course you should stop spoon-feeding him promptly. Loose the spoon !
Your present approach sounds wide, and good not only for you, but for him, too. If he is to succeed at anything at all, he has to discover his own weaknesses and inadequacies, and to learn to solve his problems himself.
Don't think of yourself being cruel in letting hi "suffer", it's called Discovery, and Learning.
Except in genuine emergencies, no properly run office should rely on anyone working overtime.
Even if you are resigned to remainin a control freak ( and you don't have to ) you will never be a successful control freak, unless you learn to work only on controlling the uncontrollable, and not the freaking uncontrollable !

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/05

Hi CF,
Thanks so much for the feedback, I'm so pleased to hear you are feeling better.
It is always so wise, and such a relief, to recognize the value of letting go of attempts to control things that are uncontrollable. Its the King Canute Syndrome, I suspect !
If the associate is getting too greedy, of course you should stop spoon-feeding him promptly. Loose the spoon !
Your present approach sounds wide, and good not only for you, but for him, too. If he is to succeed at anything at all, he has to discover his own weaknesses and inadequacies, and to learn to solve his problems himself.
Don't think of yourself being cruel in letting hi "suffer", it's called Discovery, and Learning.
Except in genuine emergencies, no properly run office should rely on anyone working overtime.
Even if you are resigned to remainin a control freak ( and you don't have to ) you will never be a successful control freak, unless you learn to work only on controlling the uncontrollable, and not the freaking uncontrollable !

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