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Posted by: 1st Timer | 2008/10/16

Update

We not on speaking terms. last night she didnt cook nor iron for me, cooked for myself, ironed and the washed my socks cos all were dirty and prepared my food for today...guys i want out of this relationship...i cant be with this person, i' ve igonred it for sooo long, and wasnt talking about it, Now that i' m talking with yu guys i feel much better,

Problem is, How do i get out of this? What if i never find someone who' ll love and treat me the way i' m supposed to? Please help me,

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Pleased to hear you're feling a biot better. If you feel convinced that THIS person doesn't love and care for you, then you have little or nothing to lose by leaving them and moving on. You're likely to find someone better suited to you, but don't rush into a fresh relationship too soon, before you have got over this one.
As DDD says, FAMSA type counselling may still help, not to patch things up, bbut so as to better understand how things went this wrong, fix them if possible, or at least to part with a better set of skills to avoid this happening again. Mwila seems to propose a reasonable course of action. The point wwhere I disagree with x is just this --- all sorts of problems within a couple can be solved IF they sincerely work together to achieve that. WHere one is stubborn, selfish and childish, their partner can't solve everything on their own

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Clifford Sharpe | 2008/11/13

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Reply to Clifford Sharpe
Posted by: v | 2008/10/17

Do let us know how things are going.......

Reply to v
Posted by: v | 2008/10/17

I am at home all day.. I take care of the housework because my husband works hard. I get up in the morning when he does...5:00 am make us breakfast sees that his lunch box is packed. take care of the animals... see that they get fed... then we have breakfast. while hubby is bussy getting ready for workI start with my daily chores. washing cleaning etc... it doesn' t take all day to keep everything clean and neat and NO i am not his maid.. I do it because I love living in a clean and organized house... although I get someone to wash my carpets every few months but the rest i do myself....

Reply to v
Posted by: 1st Timer | 2008/10/16

my e addess is lenonb08 at yahoo dot com

Reply to 1st Timer
Posted by: Pop | 2008/10/16

1st timer I need you rite now...there' s few man like you in this world your wife don' t realise how lucky she is to have somebody like you.

Reply to Pop
Posted by: Anon | 2008/10/16

1st Timer.

With regards to breakfast in bed and flowers etc, can I send my hubby for some training?? LOL!

You sound like such a lovely person. She doesn' t know how lucky she is, in stead, she is taking advantage of you and you do not deserve that.

Good luck with your decision. Just remember, we are always here if you are having a tough day.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: 1st Timer, | 2008/10/16

Thank you very much guys....i really dont know how to thank you.....went thorugh the responces and will print and go through them thoroughly...and will take it from there.....

and i' m feeling much much better, someone said i must wash my own undies and socks...o do that most of the times, i cook for her when she is tired of sitting home, i clean the house, esp on weekends cos she only wakes up at 12/13....i give her break-fast in bed, presents, flowers, etc....but i dont get anything in return....But its ok guys, i' m gonna think about it and will defenately give you the results....

Thank you once more....u guys are just wonderful,

Reply to 1st Timer,
Posted by: Anon | 2008/10/16

Melanie, yes, marriage IS about give and take. But for a woman to be angry and just not lift her-|-to cook a meal for her husband after a long day' s work and not making sure his clothes are clean for the next day?????

No 1st Timer, I am sorry to say, but you obviously married her and didn' t know her quite well enough to see what a bitch she actually is. You have been married for 6 months, yes, it is ONLY 6 months, but if you want out, do it NOW and DONT LOOK BACK, before you try and try and try and work things out and later on you open your eyes and 10 years have passed (been wasted) and now you will hurt children as well. Get out now while you really have nothing to loose. You don' t want to spend you life with a woman like this. And how will things be in another 6 months. A year, 2 years???

I really feel sorry that things are working out, but rather now, while you are still young and I BET you you will meet the person you want to spend your life with. Don' t sit there for one second asking yourself what you wrote in your post just now about being scared that you may not meet someone again. Maybe your wife is not your solemate and you can only meet your true solemate if you get out of this relationship. Don' t be afraid, all will work out. It always does.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: chantey | 2008/10/16

hi,
u knw what man jst kick that lazy, not thinking wife of urs out of ur house and life for good, and focus on ur life, u deserve better than u think u do. i think u and lonely has been through a lot and have experienced things that made u grow both of u. u now both matured and could make a perfect couple.
and no 1. ur wife did' ' nt love u, neither respect u. so u knw what if u looking for a woman, wife, mother to ur kids, believe u need lonely in life, she' ll give u all the love u' ve lacked getting from ur wife.

so in conclusion i say lonely and 1st timer are not jst perfect but made for each other.

Reply to chantey
Posted by: aNON | 2008/10/16

25 years(lonely)
No no no, that will definitely not sort out your problems. In fact it will make things worse.

Reply to aNON
Posted by: 25years(lonely) | 2008/10/16

Hi 1st Timer

It looks like me and you are on the same train,your wife is selfish,my husband is selfish.I think what we need is to get off this train and see if we combined our heads together we wont achieve anything special,we' ve both been through alot with the people we love,maybe its high time share our sorrows and learn from ,them that love only its not not enough.Your wife doesn' t do anything in the house but she is a house wife at the other side I' m a working wife but I still manage to do my duties as wife.

What do you think people dont you think lonely and 1st Timer will be perfect together.

Reply to 25years(lonely)
Posted by: Soul | 2008/10/16

I think giving your wife an ultimaum at this stage is going to be very risky in your marrage and can cause alot of harm. I think her behaviour of last night was unrealistic and selfish and yes she does need to compromise.

However have you really thought about the effects this move has had on her, I understand the move and it being closer to work for you less travelling time. But rather than attack each other why not sit down and talk to her about and really listen to her.

I don' t know your work situation but I' ll guess you interact with other ppl through out the day, on the other hand your wife stays home and has no interaction with ppl which means she has alot of time on her hands thinking about just how unhappy she really is in joburg. Why not encourage her to get a job even if it' s half day or do some charity work.

All I' m saying is listen to her and hear her out, look she also has to make an effort but at this stage she' s also shut out completely.

Consider some councelling don' t give up to soon there is alot to fight for.

Just something to think about.

Take Care

Reply to Soul
Posted by: smile | 2008/10/16

I' ve said it yesterday and now I' m saying it again ,your wife she is the most selfish person I have ever heard of.Listen you deserve better than this,I have Q? for you is she educated,did she do something to fall on when you leave her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to smile
Posted by: x | 2008/10/16

Giving ultimatums and putting your foot down and perhaps walking away is the easy way to go.
But two people working hard to make their marriage work takes effort and hard work. It is the more difficult route.
No one said marriage is a bed of roses but your second marriage will be even harder

Reply to x
Posted by: No no no | 2008/10/16

She also did not cook nor do the ironing...and she does not work. She is a spoilt brat!!!

Reply to No no no
Posted by: Mwila | 2008/10/16

I think you should tell her (even if she' s not talking to you) that you are not moving, that it' s up to her to decide whether she wants to stay in the marriage and live with you or move back to Pretoria, close to her home. Tell her if she decides to go back to Pretoria then you want to be separated and also tell her that you will not help her out financially, in anyway. Give her an ultimatum and don' t apologise. Let her think about it and come back to you with her final decision. Tell her calmly that if she decides to go, that will be the end of your relationship.

It always amazes me that wonderful guys like you always go for selfish girls like your wife. She needs to grow up and decide what is important - her or your union.

I' m not saying give-up on your marriage, but be firm and give her an ultimatum. If she doesn' t want to compromise, then brother you' ve married the wrong girl. Love is a one way road walked by two people. She has to play her part to make your marriage work.

Reply to Mwila
Posted by: Melanie | 2008/10/16

Hi Goou
His wife doesn' t work and she is at home all day. Why shouldn' t she wash his underwear? Just because a wife washes her hubby' s underwear, it doesn' t make her a maid.

Reply to Melanie
Posted by: goou | 2008/10/16

Ppls u have do learn do to things for yourself.she even wash your socks come brother she is not your maid but your wife ,u must wash ur underwear.

Reply to goou
Posted by: Melanie | 2008/10/16

Morning 1st Timer
Marriage is about give and take. You have only been married 6 months and it can be rough in the beginning. Don' t be too hasty. Perhaps you and your wife need to go to a therapist who will point out that she is unreasonable and help her to understand her role as a wife. No one gets married and is instantly the perfect wife. Having been with my husband for over 20 years I can say that it gets better and better if you are willing to work at it. For me I think it is a woman' s duty to keep the marriage happy and together.
Maybe your wife is young and immature and doesn' t know how to apologise.

Reply to Melanie
Posted by: DDD | 2008/10/16

You must contact FAMSA and go to counselling, yes, even if you want out of the relationship, you must still go to counselling.

Reply to DDD
Posted by: Tani | 2008/10/16

Hi 1st Timer,

I am so sorry to hear that you want to give up now but sometimes that is the only way. And don' t just stay with someone because you are worried that you will never find anyone else, have you ever think that there might just be the perfect women waiting for you but you' re going to miss her because you waist your time in a relationship that does not work?

Perhaps if she realises how serious you feel about staying close to your work and how unfair it is of her to demand you move back to Pretoria, she might rethink the situation and realise that her love for you is much stronger than the will to live in Pretoria.

Good luck to you.

Reply to Tani

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