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Question
Posted by: NTOMBI | 2010-02-05

Upbringing//Background

I am a woman going out with a man for more or less 7 yrs, ever since we started this relationship i have never been happy because he does not trust me with anything, he calls me with all kinds of names, another thing we have 2 children together he only supports the younger one he says that is all he can afford.
He has a very big family and they all have different father' s if not mistaken all in all they 10 in one mother but different fathers and apperently his mother never wanted to disclose who his father was and she also lied about his surname and the where abouts of his father...do you think the way he treats me is because of his background? but how do i deal with such a problem ... each time i think of leaving him i always think about these children although i know that i cannot take this anymore... what do i do i am very unhappy he does not appreciate me at all no matter what i try/do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you have never been happy in this relationship, and he has never trusted you - how has it managed to last for over 7 years ? And I'm sure if you went to the magistrate's court, the court would, after reviewing his earnings, require him to pay maintenance for both children - if he choses to have children with you, he owes it to the children to maintain them.
Now it is NOT part of the raditional of ANY group or culturwe in SA, for a woman to have 10 children all by different fathers, and then to lie to her chioldren abou the names of their fathers, and suchlike - that sounds like someone with little idea of how to be a good mother, and I'm sure you're right that it would be upsetting for a child and may influence his current behaviour. But notice I say INFLUENCE, not DETERMINE. We still have the freedom to act more responsibly yo our spouse and children than our parents did to theirs.
Would he consider joining you in mariage counselling ? If not, think of what is best for you and for the children. He would be required by the courts to pay maintenance for them whether or not you were divorced, so think about what would be the best for you all

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Hayi | 2010-02-05

No Ntombi im not taking ur problem lightly, but the truth is u said it urself that u' ve never been happy since the begining!! if u were happy in the begining then things changed then its a different story.

Remember this, my responce may not be helpful to u but it will help other ladies who are in same situation..women who r currently unhappy in their relationship and not sure if they should marry their partner or have kids with them..

Sorry if i sound insensitive to you but we women need to face the reality and start making wise decision so that we dont find ourselves being trapped in such situation.

Reply to Hayi
Posted by: Ntombi | 2010-02-05

Responding to Hayi... please do not take other people' s problems light just because you are not the one facing the problem, if you do not know what to say just keep your silly comment to your self... we are not at school here!!!

Reply to Ntombi
Posted by: Hayi | 2010-02-05

" ever since we started this relationship i have never been happy because he does not trust me with anything,"  and yet you bear him 2kids!!!!!!!!!!! Women sometimes.

Reply to Hayi
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-05

If you have never been happy in this relationship, and he has never trusted you - how has it managed to last for over 7 years ? And I'm sure if you went to the magistrate's court, the court would, after reviewing his earnings, require him to pay maintenance for both children - if he choses to have children with you, he owes it to the children to maintain them.
Now it is NOT part of the raditional of ANY group or culturwe in SA, for a woman to have 10 children all by different fathers, and then to lie to her chioldren abou the names of their fathers, and suchlike - that sounds like someone with little idea of how to be a good mother, and I'm sure you're right that it would be upsetting for a child and may influence his current behaviour. But notice I say INFLUENCE, not DETERMINE. We still have the freedom to act more responsibly yo our spouse and children than our parents did to theirs.
Would he consider joining you in mariage counselling ? If not, think of what is best for you and for the children. He would be required by the courts to pay maintenance for them whether or not you were divorced, so think about what would be the best for you all

Reply to cybershrink

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