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Question
Posted by: anon | 2012/07/26

untimely pregnancy

MY daughter, 20, is now pregnant, no longer in the relationship with the father and still busy studying 2nd year at university.

My household is based on good christian principles, so you can just imagine the impact of this.

We are well known people in the community.

my problem is, I know that we have to support her and we will, but I can''t look at her and not thinking Slut, no good, I can not get myself looking at her at all.

the disappointment is just to big and the hurt to much.

I always thought she was the sun and now this!!!

this is destroying me, i will look at other mothers and daughters and think yes enjoy your relationship while it last as it will not last forever.

How do i cope with this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Naturally, a situation which is very upsetting for you. But when you think this through, and get bwyond your immediate and emotional responses of disappointment, anger, etc. don't your "good christian principles" lead you to recognize the over-riding need to support and care for the child, who is surely, in every way, wholly innocent ? If this becomes your baseline principle, then its not so much that "we have to support her" out of a sense of general obligation, but out of love, for this child, and for your daughter, your own child ? Doesn't your religion speak strongly of love and caring, and of forgiveness ? And about not being narrowly judgemental ?
Sometikes even the Sun goes behind a bank of clouds, without altering its basic nature. And even really good people sometimes make mistakes. Given the situation that arose ( and looking beyond the fact that it could have been avoided ) isn't she perhaps handling this now in a sensible and caring fashion ?
being a genuinely good person isn't about never ever making mistakes, but about learning from them, not repeating them, and dealing responsibly with their results.
If there are others in your community and church who are less capable of love and christian charity, isn't it they who are deplorable ?
Rerad, thoutfully, the long set of kindly and caring messages our readers have left here.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: brendon | 2012/07/30

my view is that she must leave you just like that also cause your not a mothers worth instead of helping her you tinking she a no good because of you status in the comunity f875k the comunity

Reply to brendon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/28

Naturally, a situation which is very upsetting for you. But when you think this through, and get bwyond your immediate and emotional responses of disappointment, anger, etc. don't your "good christian principles" lead you to recognize the over-riding need to support and care for the child, who is surely, in every way, wholly innocent ? If this becomes your baseline principle, then its not so much that "we have to support her" out of a sense of general obligation, but out of love, for this child, and for your daughter, your own child ? Doesn't your religion speak strongly of love and caring, and of forgiveness ? And about not being narrowly judgemental ?
Sometikes even the Sun goes behind a bank of clouds, without altering its basic nature. And even really good people sometimes make mistakes. Given the situation that arose ( and looking beyond the fact that it could have been avoided ) isn't she perhaps handling this now in a sensible and caring fashion ?
being a genuinely good person isn't about never ever making mistakes, but about learning from them, not repeating them, and dealing responsibly with their results.
If there are others in your community and church who are less capable of love and christian charity, isn't it they who are deplorable ?
Rerad, thoutfully, the long set of kindly and caring messages our readers have left here.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Heather | 2012/07/27

Wow Sonja, is that what God has taught you? Christians like you annoy me, like you are better and think you are right and perfect because you are Christian. Gosh you people are the biggest bunch of hypocrits in the flipping world.

It''s not like your daughter was sleeping around- that would make her a slut. She was in a relationship at the time. Do you not think that she''s hurting enough that now she''s pregnant and the father is now out the picture?

Get a flipping life and try care more about your daughter than what other people think.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: Stephanie | 2012/07/27

I fell pregnant at the tender age of 18 - just after I had finished matric. I also lived in a home where christian music was played and we had to go to church on a Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday morning. When I fell pregnant my mother called me a whore and my unborn baby a bastard. She chased me out of her house and I had to go and live with my boyfriend''s parents whilst he was in the army (early 80''s). Today my son is one of my mother''s favourite grandchildren - she absolutely adores him. Your daughter is not a slut, please don''t think of her that way and don''t treat her badly - she made a mistake and now has to the face the consequences of her actions. Who cares what other people think anyway? All these people that you worry may point fingers at your family probably have some really nasty skeletons in their closets too. A very un-christian-like way to behave, you should be ashamed of yourself. She is your child and needs your love and support now. A child is a gift from God and you as a Christian should realise that! Don''t condemn your daughter or your unborn grandchild - you are going to love that baby more than your life itself ... we are not living in the dark ages anymore, this happens frequently to young women. Remember also, it''s the " clever girls"  that do not fall pregnant!! Stop being so stuck up and worried about your IMAGE in the community and stand by your daughter.

Reply to Stephanie
Posted by: Elma | 2012/07/27


Sonja I think that you are roughly the same age as what I am. Please be sure that this is not the end of the world. If you can choose will you rather have your pregnant daughter or maybe a daughter that is not in life anymore??? This is a time that your daughter needs you. Just remember and think back when you were her age. Can you imagine you being pregnant, not being married and your mother turned her back on you. Her world is lonely please please love her for who she is and not what you want her to be. This is why so many parents loose their children and children commit suiside. Children hurt parents but we love them and will love them forever. Be grateful for a life that is growing in her there are many that is not so privelege.
Be strong and smile because you are a mother and a wife.

Reply to Elma
Posted by: MOTHER | 2012/07/27

hi, i went through this as well and today i am so madly in love with my son, my parents were also scared, but never once called me a slut, or thought about themselves and what they might look like to the world.

i have been a single mother since my son was 1 years old and i am glad, the good Lord blessed me with him. an angel.

forget about yourself and your image and support her, she is going through alot more than you right now.

Reply to MOTHER
Posted by: Tanya | 2012/07/27

Sonja - a little ray of sunshine at the end of the dark tunnel you seem to be going through. xxxx

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: Glamorous Gran | 2012/07/27

Hi, My daughter was in exactly the same situation. My little light of my life has brought us all together, Grandad, 1 aunt, 2 uncles. We adore him. He is such a joy. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and imagine what your daughter is dealing with. Life is too short for regrets. Love and accept her for everything she is and has done for this little dissapointment is going to be the biggest blessing you have ever had. Remember she is not the first to have gone that route and she will not be the last. All the best and believe me once that little bundle is in your arms for the first time you will not look back.

Reply to Glamorous Gran
Posted by: Val | 2012/07/27

Don''t despair, another beautiful gift from the creator that you will love dearly and the experience of your daughter being a mother as you are will join the two of you in a deeper more loving way that you would ever have believed. Open your heart and your arms to your daughter and your grandchild

Reply to Val
Posted by: Really?? | 2012/07/27

I am sorry but how selfish are you!!! All you can think about is what people will think and say... Really!! is that what is important now... NO! your daughter is and her unborn child

Being a " good"  Christian does not stop people from making mistakes, but how we react to them is what defines us.

Rather than berate yourself and worry about what people will think and say. Go and talk to your duaghter - I can tell you that this is not aneasy time for her as well - she now has someone extra to care for and worry about and she shouldn''t have to be worrying about you and your reactions as well.

She needs you to show her love and support - she is not a slut just because she had sex out of wedlock - yes she may have disappointed you but this is not the end of the world.

Please get over yourself and show your daughter that together you can face this and come out stronger for it.



Reply to Really??
Posted by: aNON | 2012/07/27

You say you are a Christian - you should not judge!! And if anyone in the church/friends judge you then they are not real Christians.

Reply to aNON
Posted by: Mandisa | 2012/07/27

A parent has no control over when their children will become sexually active. The only thing a parent (normally the mother) can do is talk,talk,talk to their children about the full facts of life and unfortunately these days its when they are about 10 years old. Teens need to know the dangers of having sex i.e. sexual diseases, pregnancy, self esteem and reputation.

I was forthright with my children, sons and daughters. I bought condoms and actually kept them in a box in the pantry and my girls knew they were able to buy the pill at the chemist. This may sound overboard but it worked. It did not make them promiscuous and there were never any problems.

Sorry for the " lecture"  didnt mean to, but to Sonja - I cant add much to the good advice already posted. One cannot change the past so just face the future and do the best you can to love and support your daughter and your grandchild. You will be blessed in the end.



Reply to Mandisa
Posted by: Maria | 2012/07/27

Your daughter made a mistake. Yes it has far reaching consequences, but have no never made mistakes in your life? Your message creates the impression that you care more about what people will think than anything else. This is 2012. If anybody wants to judge your daughter that reflects badly on them, not her or your family. Be an example to you community of how love in a family can overcome any obstacle.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Phil | 2012/07/27

1. Who cares about what other people think  your daughter didn''t commin murder?

2. Negative things almost always have a possitive to it.

3. GOD always has a plan. You don''t see it now. But please go and write down what I am saying to you today. One day  you will be lookignn back and understand and be so gratefull.

4. Your daughter is still the same person  she can still finish her studies.

And stop worrying about the people and especially the ones in Church. I''m a christian to  and me and GOD have a great relationship. Although I do sin and HE regularly helps me back on track. But if you want to see the biggest congrigation of hypocrates and false people - then go to Church! I''m not sayin all  but you are GUARANTEED to meet mentioned in Church...lol

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Angel | 2012/07/26

Your daughter''s whole future is changed and I am sure she has a lot of things on her mind. Me, being a young unmarried mother, shocked my own mother as well. Today, her relationship with her three year old granddaughter and bond is stronger than it is with me and my sister. I was also her star and did not go in the direction that SHE wanted to steer me, in the beginning she was shocked and angry, but she now understands who I am. I did marry the father though and today we have a beautiful baby boy and a girl. We all have plans for our children''s future, just remember they have their own lives too.

If you are a Christian, then you definitely believe in God. God has granted your daughter the most precious gift - the gift of life and the gift of motherhood.

Why do you care what other people will say? Will you, her own mother abandon her....

Do not underestimate your daughter. She sounds like she has a strong head on her shoulders. She is not a slut, merely a pregnant, unmarried woman. She is your daughter.

If you do not want to destroy your relationship with you daughter, reach out to her by buying baby clothers and just leaving it somewhere for her when you see her again.

Get Involved - be her support pillar. Be there for her sonars, be there for the birth> 

YOU can CHOOSE

Reply to Angel
Posted by: Me | 2012/07/26

I promise you, you will end up loving that grandchild of yours more than you could ever imagine. And you will look at your daughter, not as a child, but as a mother. She has made this decision (yes, Christians can also have kids out of wedlock and that doesnt make her a slut, purely someone who fell pregnant unplanned). Go home, give your daughter a much needed hug, tell her you love her. And give yourself some time to process all of this.

Reply to Me

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