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Question
Posted by: Angelica | 2011-07-15

Unsympathetic towards certain people, now hubby thinks I’ m a b!tch

An acquaintance that my hubby went to school with committed suicide a few weeks ago, but he only found out this morning. He kept saying he can’ t believe that guy was dead, tried to draw me into the sad feeling, but I wasn’ t too fond of this guy- he was heavy on drugs and very aggressive (we happened to be at the same pub as him a few months back, and this guy was by his car when we were leaving and my hubby told me to go to the car quickly because he was worried this guy was so much on drugs, he would try something. He got into a fist fight with someone a really petty thing, it was really bad). So, I told him I am not sorry he’ s dead. I told him that people on drugs, people that drink and drive and the likes are wasting the gift of life they have been given and that it’ s better that THEY are gone than they cause the death of someone else. He told me that was harsh and is now ignoring my calls and my SMS’ s, even my Facebook postings (I wrote on his wall for him to call me and he deleted the post!). I now feel like a cow because I said that, but I have lost people (both emotionally and by death) because of drugs and drinking and I am sorry but you are told that drugs are bad since you are 6 years old and if you choose to do them, then why must you get sympathy? I also said that suicide is a sign of a weak personality, which he took great offence to. I don’ t see what the big deal is- was I wrong in saying all that? Am I wrong to have my beliefs? I feel totally awful now and I dread the conversation we are going to have tonight, if he even COMES home tonight. What I don’ t understand is everything I said this morning, I have said plenty of times before and he never got upset or anything- why now all of a sudden? He wasn’ t even a friend!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your attitude is understandable, and so is his. It's a shame that we expect each other to have identical attitudes to challenging and perhaps ambiguous events.

And the guy you describe may have been most unpleasant to know, but his behaviours may have reflected inner disorder and chaos rather than inherent evil!

But one area where you are utterly, totally, wrong is the idea that "suicide is a sign of a weak personality" - it's simply untrue and deeply hurtful to the many people who have considered or even attempted suicide, and to those who survive them. Suicide is a sign of utter despair, and occurs in all sorts of people including many even you would consider to be strong and admirable.

From your later comments, maybe what you said so baldly roused unpleasant feelings in your husband because they were uncomfortably close to some nasty ideas he himself has had. What ugly ideas each of you have had, so lacking in understanding and sympathy for others !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ricky | 2011-09-10

I think you and your husband are cold, callous and mean spirited. Both your responses shocked me because of your lack of human decency. Any loss of life is sad and we are not all the same, so there is no point sitting on the sidelines judging people. People take wrong turnings in their life due to many factors and it could as easily be you are your husband contrary to your self righteous attitude. You both sound very naive and inexperienced and judge everyone by your own yard stick! People who commit suicide are in desperate emotional pain generally with a chemical imbalance of the brain when committing the act. Drug addicts are equally lost souls that require serious help. Look up the words, compassion, self righteous, empathy and forgiveness as they may make you more rounded individuals or better still go out and help a charity. Love all those who come before you, Lift up their hearts and help carry their woes. From where I am sitting you both need to have a good long look in the mirror at your cold hearts and sanctimonious attitude.

Reply to Ricky
Posted by: Reaslist | 2011-07-16

I''m with you all the way my girl. I think your hubby is childish by ignoring you and making an issue with you over it. I cannot stand anyone who expects me to be remorseful or have the same sad feelings as they do when something like this happens. I would say " good riddance"  judging by your discription of the now deceased. Be strong and treat your hubby in the fashion he has decided to treat you. Ignore his childish outbursts.

Reply to Reaslist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-07-16

Your attitude is understandable, and so is his. It's a shame that we expect each other to have identical attitudes to challenging and perhaps ambiguous events.

And the guy you describe may have been most unpleasant to know, but his behaviours may have reflected inner disorder and chaos rather than inherent evil!

But one area where you are utterly, totally, wrong is the idea that "suicide is a sign of a weak personality" - it's simply untrue and deeply hurtful to the many people who have considered or even attempted suicide, and to those who survive them. Suicide is a sign of utter despair, and occurs in all sorts of people including many even you would consider to be strong and admirable.

From your later comments, maybe what you said so baldly roused unpleasant feelings in your husband because they were uncomfortably close to some nasty ideas he himself has had. What ugly ideas each of you have had, so lacking in understanding and sympathy for others !

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011-07-15

You believe suicide is a sign of weakness and he belives terminally ill people should be blown up........sounds like you 2 r a match made in heaven!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Angelica | 2011-07-15

XXX, I do understand. Maybe I could have worded it differently. I just don''t understand because my husband has made mental lists of people he''d love to send to a firing squad, he says that people like beggers and people with terminal illnesses should be put into a pit and blown up... from a person that says those things, I wouldn''t have expected this response from my comment. But thanks, I suppose I should have been... kinder... I just feel so terrible now and I hope it doesn''t affect the way he thinks of me.

Reply to Angelica
Posted by: XXX | 2011-07-15

To be honest it does sound like you came across too strongly ! At the end of the day,he was a human being and some sort of sympathy would be appropriate.
You don''t have to like his lyfestyle or even him BUT to say you are not unhappy that he dead,is really not very nice.
I would rather tell your husband that whilst you didn''t approve of this guys lifestyle,it is still sad that he has passed on.

Reply to XXX

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