Posted by: Worried | 2009-07-01

Unsure where my relationship is going

Hi Doc. I am in need of some dire help.
I have a 14 month old baby and he is just awesome but my relationship with my husband has dwindled to slightly less than friends.
Our day gets so busy that we end up seeing each other in the evenings. he wants to have supper with me but I can only eat supper after 7:30 as baby needs his bath. We dont have a romantic relationship anymore. He seems to have erectile dysfunction and though he says that he will do something about it, he does not. We are not sexual at all. the hugging and kissing has also gone out. We fight so much more often. He has a problem gambling and is trying to be innovative to make money in property which is happening but very slowly.
However this angers me as I have been put in debt a few times now over money I give him. I simply cant say no.
I do work a high powered job and earn quite well. I do spend alot of time at work and have no free time for myself.
I encourage him to go out and spend time with his friends or on the golf course so that he does not get cranky.
I am so unhappy. I do love him and I now question if it is love for a husband or love for a friend that my emotion has now turned into.
I am at fault as well. i dont cook often. I am on diet trying to get my weight correct and I am simply too tired to make more than one type of meal.
He has now taken to showing me a point. He tells everyone that I dont cook and that they should not make anything for me.
He always says that he will show me a point or try to prove something.
If he finds something out of place and I have not put it away in the last few days then he throws it outside for the dog to chew on it.
He is only happy when he is making money. He also invariably accuses me of not being happy for him.
I always ask him how do we go about fixing our relationship, and I give him time to think about. A few days later we will fight and he will say that what the point of fixing our relationship as I always end up fighting with him.
He is unhappy and so am I. I get stressed at work with my workload (and no that cannot be changed), I go home to an unhappy household, I am sexually unhappy and have alot of pent up desires and I dont spend enough time with my baby.
I am basically falling apart as a mother and as a wife.
What in your opinion should I do?
Your advice will be appreciated and I do apologise for the long write up.

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Our expert says:
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This does sometimes happen to women after childbirth, related possibly to hormonal issues or to exhaustion, especially if they are carrying the bulk of the chores of caring for the infant. And of course here is also always the possibility of PND, post-natal depression, which saps one's ability to cope, and promotes irritabiliy and reduces libido.
Why not see a marriage counsellor together, as clearly you are both sub-par at present, and could be so much happier together. Look for more that you CAN both do together --- including bathing the child, sharing chores, and charing time-off. Your high power job would function better if you had also some refreshing time-off. Its not a matter necessarily of reducing work-load, but of managing it more efficiently.
Find a diet you camn both work on and share, rather than having conlict about cooking or not.
With properly skilled mariage counselling, you can work togther on solving the problems you share, with less fighting and more productivity, due to the presence of an expert mediator.

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