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Question
Posted by: Julianne | 2010-02-23

Unhappy in marriage

I have been married for 8 years and lately I feel unhappy alot of the time within the marriage. My husband often criticises me for not being adventurous enough in the bedroom and says that I am used up because I slept with men before marrying him. I have never really felt him to be particularly tender towards me in the bedroom department which is also a problem. I feel he has changed of late as he just wants to spend money on everything and anything then when he has bought whatever he wanted he just wants the next thing. He never seems to just be content with what we have, he always wants more. He wasn''t always like this. When I say to him that we don''t need to move to a bigger house to be happy he says I am caging him in. We end up arguing alot as he says I am the boss as I disagree with him buying an expensive flashy car etc. We also differ in our parenting approach as he will almost always give into our son with what he wants while I don''t want to spoil him by giving him everything. I just feel that my husband is not the same person I married, he seems so shallow and just wants to spend money on things lately. When I disagree with all the things he wants to buy which is often lately as we just don''t need extra things he says I am the boss and holding him back. I don''t like it when he calls me the boss as its sarcastic in tone and I have told him so. He says that if we were to ever split up he would take our child from me and I think he would do this. I don''t know what to do, I have suggested we go to marriage counselling, it may be the only solution. He is willing to go.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Guys, I did warn you, twice, that I would be forced to be unavailablem throughtout Tuesday, as our reliably incompetent City Council was switching off our electricity for the day for "maintenance " which lasted twice as long as they promised, and asked for messages rather to be posted on Wednesday, but I guess these matters were all too urgent to wait.
NOW -
YOur husband sounds really insecure, and would benefit from personal counselling, just as the pair off you would benefit from couples / marriage counselling together.
I very much like the suggestion that, now he has agreed to such counselling, you suggest that he select the counsellor, so he can't blame you for a poor choice, and will find it harder to evade the suggestions of the counsellor.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: my2cents | 2010-02-24

Sounds like your husband has some low self-esteem issues &  is trying to compensate. This can really kill the vibe in a marriage.
You''ve already suggested marriage counselling &  he agreed so get your bums into a counsellor''s chair already.
Maybe let him choose the counsellor so that in case it doesn''t work out he cannot blame you. The blame game is a big part of the low self-esteem issue.

I was there (before I got married) but with the help of my wife &  a psychologist I managed to deal with it. It still pops up its ugly head from time to time but I was given the tools to deal with it and it works. I was willing to change though. Sounds like he is too, if only a small bit &  it sounds like you''re willing to help.

I have the greatest amount of respect for you for wanting to make your marriage work in this world of mass divorces. Be strong &  fight for what you want your marriage to be.
Oh, and see the marriage counsellor.

Reply to my2cents
Posted by: Obvious | 2010-02-24

if he agreed go,some men dnt cheat when the going gets tough they tend to be out of charecter.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Obvious | 2010-02-24

if he agreed go,some men dnt cheat when the going gets tough they tend to be out of charecter.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-02-24

Guys, I did warn you, twice, that I would be forced to be unavailablem throughtout Tuesday, as our reliably incompetent City Council was switching off our electricity for the day for "maintenance " which lasted twice as long as they promised, and asked for messages rather to be posted on Wednesday, but I guess these matters were all too urgent to wait.
NOW -
YOur husband sounds really insecure, and would benefit from personal counselling, just as the pair off you would benefit from couples / marriage counselling together.
I very much like the suggestion that, now he has agreed to such counselling, you suggest that he select the counsellor, so he can't blame you for a poor choice, and will find it harder to evade the suggestions of the counsellor.

Reply to cybershrink

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