Posted by: Starved... | 2009-02-17

Unhappy &  faking it...

Hi There,

I have been in an (almost) perfect relationship with my boyfriend of 2-years. We are getting to the stage where we are discussing marriage &  a life together but there is a secret that I have been keeping from him from the beginning...

I am so so unhappy, unfulfilled &  uninvolved during sex. I have faked it since the beginning &  I don' t know how to tell him.

I have however spoken to him many many times about us working at it &  making it more about us &  connecting. At the moment, its me servicing him &  I just have to accept that. He hates introducing toys, different positions, etc into the bedroom too, which makes it worse..He is very selfish in bed

I am a very sexual person &  have been all my life. What do I do? Leave him over this or accept it because I have tried &  tried &  he isn' t going to change..

Please assist.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Although sex is just a part of a relationship, it could be seen as the cement that binds the bricks. If you are not satisfied or fulfilled now…the probability is big that your frustrations are going to increase if it is not addressed in a constructive manner. Once you commit yourself in marriage it is a long term commitment and you need to be sure that that is where you are happy and feel fulfilled. The fact that you have mentioned/suggested to him before that you should explore other ways of making love, opened the door for you to open this discussion. If you feel that you could not do it alone, I would strongly suggest that you contact a professional psychologist that could work with you as a couple. Do not ignore this and get married in the hope that this will just get better – You have a responsibility to be honest with yourself and with you future marriage partner. You do not want to end up with a person where your frustrations turn into resentment and eventually destroy the relationship in any case.

A website that could be helpful is You are welcome to phone the SASHA Helpline – 0860 100 262; and a facilitator will be able to assist you in finding a practitioner as close as possible to you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: VQ | 2009-02-19

I understand your situation. I' m also in a similar same boat. I' ve dating this woman for a two years now and I' m really considering paying lobola, problem is we don' t click in sex and she hates it. I' ve tried all the tricks in book but nothing seem work. it would be interesting to see what other people think out there

Reply to VQ
Posted by: TJ | 2009-02-19

you are going to waste all this money on wedding and honeymoon ...but we all know as well as you that in a year or two you will become another stastistic [ devorcee] and so TALK OR WALK .

Reply to TJ
Posted by: RP | 2009-02-18

If he has this attitude to sex, it probably shows in other areas of his life?

Reply to RP
Posted by: Ken | 2009-02-18

This needs to be attended to before you even think of getting married, as it will not improve by getting married, but will only get worse.

Reply to Ken

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