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Question
Posted by: Thea | 2010-12-15

unhappy

i''m a 28 year old female who is in a relationship with a 25 year old male for 3 years now. but i have become very unhappy in our relationship. in some ways we do things completely differently and some ways we are the same. he is a very deep person and is into digging down to the bottom of things and takes his time with everything where as i like to do things swiftly and like to change my mind about almost everything all the time. we have discussed marriage so we know that we want to get married to each other one day. but whenever i bring up that subject it always end up in an argument coz i want to plan ahead and be prepared but he don''t want that. he just want things to happen. he said that we should first buy a house, which we have recently done, and then get married. so now when i talk about setting a date so that we can save and plan he laughs at me and says that is stupid to set a date when he hasn''t even asked ''the question'' yet. he says it''s forcing him to ask at a certian time because in my religion you should only be engaged for as long as 6 months, so then i''ll know when he is going to ask when it''s suppose to be a surprise to me. i think it''s normal for a couple to want to talk and plan their future. and this just reminds me how different we really are. and this is just one of the many differences that we have and it''s because of our differences that i''ve have become unhappy. and i know it might sound stupid to want to get married to someone that does not make you happy. but it''s the fear of being alone and i''m feeling a bit pressured as i''m the only member in the family that''s still not married. but i''m starting to doubt us and if this relationship will work. but then i feel i invested so much time and work into this relationship to just throw everything away. but then i also feel like this relationship is so much work i''ve never had to try so hard and do so many things to make things work. i''m always the one who has to make all the decisions, where we going, when we going out, just about everything. i''ve talked to him about it already but all he always say is that i know he is not that kinda person. i don''t know what to do anymore. please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why not see a couples counsellor together, to work through these issues ? You mention your differences as something that bothers you, whereas one can enjoy many of our differences within a relationship, and view them as enabling the couple to have more strengths and abilities than either participant on their own.
You need to explore whether you ca love him AS HE IS, rather than mate on the assumption that he will be radically revised into someone else

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: unhappily married | 2010-12-21

i am married to my husband for 2 years and have a baby and am in the same boat. felt the very same way you did before we got married and hoped/prayed/wished things would change for the better, but it DONT!!! it only gets worste. i am misserable, unhappy and very very alone at times. you say you dont want to be alone, but you can be married and be more alone than you would being sigle. some men are just lazy, it is easier saying i dont know to a question than to use your brain to think of an answer or some just dont want to commit themselves to an answer. PLEASE get out while you can.... you WILL regret it in the end. May you find joy and strength to make this decision you are faced with and may God grant you the love and guidance you need.

Reply to unhappily married
Posted by: anon | 2010-12-20

First of all you are 3 years older than your bf. He is much too young and immature to settle down for life and commit to marriage. The more you pressurise him the more unhappy you feel and the more you push him away from you.

Do you want to be his mommy for the rest of his life, making all the arrangements and doing everything your way? Or do you want a life partner, a friend, lover, husband who treats you the way you want to be treated. In a marriage decisions should be made equally, in other words you discuss things and differences and then come to an amicable solution. If you are the one to do all the pushing and nagging and decision making etc etc you will forever be doing this and you will feel like you are living with a child with no voice and no say.

You also say you are too afraid to be alone and that you are the only one in your family who is unmarried.

First of all you need to do some deep soul searching and I would suggest you find yourself a good counsellor who you connect with and can trust. You need to first work on yourself, what you want out of life and marriage. What in your mind do you think marriage is and what type of life would you like to live? Do you have any hobbies, other interests? Are there things you always wanted to do but haven''t yet done? As you delve deeper and deeper and discover just who you really are, you will also learn just what you want out of life.

Learning to love yourself just how you are, changing what you can change and also learning to accept those things you can''t change should be your goal.

Once you feel totally okay with yourself, you will see there is no rush to find a husband and get married. There are far too many marriages that end in divorce and far too many children out there torn apart from their parents who are totally unsuited to each other. You don''t want to be another statistic do you> 

Another thing, once you have done your own little soul searching you can write down the pros and cons of your present relationship.
Are you only holding on and hanging on out of fear?

Remember if you don''t make way for the new, the new can never come into your life while you are holding on to things and people who shouldn''t be there in the first place.

Set the guy free and if he is mean''t for you, he will return.

Then before you even plan a marriage, engagement or wedding go for couples counselling and see whether both of you are on the same page or not.

Don''t think things will improve once you are married because this is a total falacy and myth. In fact if your relationship is not great now, it will only get worse after you marry, so please don''t try and rush and force issues.

This man is not ready! You have been with him for 3 years and that means he was only 22 when you met him. You were already 25 and being a female a lot more mature than him. He will only reach maturity in his thirties and probably only feel ready for marriage then. Let him live his life. You go and live yours.

You both are young. Life is for living.

Good Luck!

Take care!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010-12-15

Oh dear !! Your partner is just riding the crest of his wave. You are there to provide him with his physical needs and I''ll lay my last rand on it, that you do most of the cooking, shopping,cleaning, washing etc etc, while he sits back and enjoys it all. Does he whisper sweet nothings in youe ear, message your back or your feet now and again, surpise you with little gifts, treat you regularly to dinner out, tell you how pretty you are,. You probably also make all the day to day arrangements and in fact you are the responsible adult in the relationship.
Pity you bought the house before getting a committment from him. Why on earth would he want to marry you?? He can leave any time he wants to and you must take care he does n ot dump you along the line. Unless you stand up for yourself and lay down the law this will just go on and on and on. Another thing, IF yiou ever do get married, your situation will not improve and no doubt will get a lot worse when you have kids as you will again be the responsible adult and willo have to take care of them while he just floats along wrapped up in his own selfish self. He''s the sort of guy that gives us guys a bad name. Think VERY carefully about your future

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-12-15

Why not see a couples counsellor together, to work through these issues ? You mention your differences as something that bothers you, whereas one can enjoy many of our differences within a relationship, and view them as enabling the couple to have more strengths and abilities than either participant on their own.
You need to explore whether you ca love him AS HE IS, rather than mate on the assumption that he will be radically revised into someone else

Reply to cybershrink

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