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Question
Posted by: Broken | 2012-06-14

UNFAITHFULL HUSBANd

We have been married for 32 years. For the past 2 years my husband has been having an affair with a 27 year old. He is 54. I found out about it 18 months ago and confronted him. We went for see a professional person for help. He did not want a divorce. Numerous times after that I found e-mails, sms messages that indicated that they are still having an affair. On SUnday I gave him his freedom, but he indicated that he does not want a divorce, loves me, does not want her, bla bla. I believed again, put it behind me and we were " happy"  as ever. Tonight I found out that he has not broken up with her. He send her a message telling her what happend on SUnday and that if I phone her, she must deny! What am I to do??? I don t want to divorce, but can a person fight for ever for something that can not be? Why are men doing this to us after all the years ? We were very happy and my kids always say that they are fortunate to have the father and mother they have and they would not marry if they can''t have a marraige like ours?? Where did things go wrong? How do I handle this? I have been looking after myself, Did not gain a single kilo since marrange and I really try to be a good wife, what more does he want? I feel like dying. Being dead will be easier than to see my wonderful husband with another woman. One with a history of destryoing marraiges. He is not the first married man she is involved with. WHat can I do. SOmeone please help me.........

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One wonders what a girl of 27 sees in an affair with a man of 54 ( what he sees is easier to imagine ). As he has lied about this at least 3 times ( the initial secret, and at least the twice he promised it was over ) he's no longer a reliable informant as to his own behaviour and intentions.
That he keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce, suggests he wants his cake AND to eat it, as well. He wants all the advantages of remaining married AND the pleasures of the affair.
MEN are not doing this - this particular man is, as SOME men, and women, unfortunately do. He is doing this to your marriage - and so is she. He is nothavin an affair with himself, and she knows exactly what she is doing. The sad fact is that he is rather less wonderful than you thought up till now.
This is in no way your fault.
More of a mystery may be this type of woman, who specializes in married men and in marriage-wrecking.
I disagree with Tanya in one particular - don't string them up to the wires, I've had enough trouble, with cable thieves. Surely there are better places to attach them ?
Maybe legal advice would be helpful - I wonder why he keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce - would it cost him more than he can afford ? And do see a personal counsellor, to help you find the best bway through this situation, for the benefit of yourself and the children.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kucing | 2012-07-03

If you buy this book, your spouse is the btteer person. The Author appeared on the Montel Williams show, and that is about the level we are dealing with here. If you are that sort of person, this book is for you.

Reply to Kucing
Posted by: Nicole | 2012-06-16

Broken, I''m 23 and I must say, if a marriage of 32 years is falling apart all because of sex. Than I will be sticking to my believe of " there is no such a thing as a perfect marriage" . I''m not one who believes in love but I do believe a relationship is based more on about respect. If he had respect for himself, you and your marriage. He would not even have been with this little twit. Right now you come first. I''m assuming your children are adults or somewhere in their early twenties. And you will always be their everything. Your husband is seeing how far he can drag you down by not giving you a divorce, and worse of all he seems to be making a fool out of you. By telling this twit to deny everything. And in the end you look like the fool. Free yourself from all the disrespect he has been showing towards you and your marriage, and get a divorce. And no suicide is NEVER EVER EVER THE ANSWER!!! THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN.

I may say get a divorce, but I would not know how you feel. But think about it this way. He is sleeping with this twit, this twit is sleeping with other married men, these married men are probably sleeping with even other
younger twits these other younger twits are proabaly sleeping with other young men. And so the viscous cycle goes on. And that''s how diseases spread like a wild fire.

But whatever decision you make, only you will know if it''s the right one. Not me. But I do know suicide is not the answer.

Wish you all the best.

Reply to Nicole
Posted by: M L | 2012-06-15

I know exactly how you feel. You really do feel like just crawling into a hole and wanting to die. Actually, after a while, I don''t know which is worse, the humiliation or the feeling of betrayal. But, it will pass. Like all the bad experiences in life, as time passes, it become less painful. BUT: None of this is your fault!!! You have to believe that.
My best advise to you (from experience) is see a councellor, but keep busy. Get a new hobby. Anything to keep busy. I started baking. Very very strange since I don''t knew the first thing about cooking. But I baked, went on long walks with my best friends (my dogs) and started to learn to Crochet - which I believed only old people do. My family got baked goods and knee blankets and beanies by the bucketload full, and coming from someone who is strictly business orientated it may have looked stranged, but it helped. It was something I wasn''t used to, so I had to put my mind to it. Keep busy, stay healthy and go see your attorney. No one deserves to ''have his cake and eat it'' like the prof said, while the other suffers. You have to stand up for yourself, put yourself first and ask yourself this question: Does he feel the same feelings about you that you feel about him? Does he feel like crawling into a hole because of his affair? Probably not. He wants the best of both, but doesn''t care what it does to you. That, unfortunately, is not love for you, but love for his own selfish self. I know that saying it to you will not help you feel better, but once you realise that (in your own time) you will be much happier and ready to leave behind the hurt and start living again. I''ts not easy, but you made it this far. You will get through. Best of luck to you!

Reply to M L
Posted by: Lynn | 2012-06-14

Hi Broken, I am a 37 year old mother of 2 boys and I am in a far worse situation as you. My husband has impregnated the woman he was having an affair with. Suicide is not an option  you have your whole life and kids to live for. You need counselling to help you through the betrayal. My husband doesn''t want a divorce as well and has proven to me that he is remorseful  He and the woman are at each other throats since he found out about the pregnancy. He is suffering the consequences of his stupidity. Keep your head up and trust in God for guidance. The 27 year old woman will suffer the consequences of her actions, what goes around comes around.

Reply to Lynn
Posted by: Tanya | 2012-06-14

Broken. I could take husbands that do this by the penis and string them up along the telephone wires for all to see! It is utterly devastating for the wife at any time but after 32 years of marriage it is ...... just no words for it.
You must firstly look after yourself and your children if they are still at home. Keep yourself busy with things you enjoy doing. Mix only with people that empathise with you and importantly if you need help go an see a councellor and a psychiatrist for meds to see you through this trying time.
If your husband doesnt want to go the divorce route, take this as a good thing for now. It will give YOU all the time in the world to get your mind right and then YOU can decide the way forward. Take full advantage of the comforts you presently have and do things yourself - as if you dont need him anyway. Dont do this with agression but in a calm a fashion as you can.
Let this slut know that you are in this marriage for the long haul.
Although suicide is so tempting, dont let your husband and this other women cause you to do such a thing. Be Strong!!!
All this heartbreak for what....a f*ck.....thats all - when will men realise that at the end of the day its not worth it?
Website Aboutdotcom might be good reading material for you, and there must be many others - have a look.
Wish you all best. Let me know how things are going. Even though we are strangers it is good to communicate.

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-14

One wonders what a girl of 27 sees in an affair with a man of 54 ( what he sees is easier to imagine ). As he has lied about this at least 3 times ( the initial secret, and at least the twice he promised it was over ) he's no longer a reliable informant as to his own behaviour and intentions.
That he keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce, suggests he wants his cake AND to eat it, as well. He wants all the advantages of remaining married AND the pleasures of the affair.
MEN are not doing this - this particular man is, as SOME men, and women, unfortunately do. He is doing this to your marriage - and so is she. He is nothavin an affair with himself, and she knows exactly what she is doing. The sad fact is that he is rather less wonderful than you thought up till now.
This is in no way your fault.
More of a mystery may be this type of woman, who specializes in married men and in marriage-wrecking.
I disagree with Tanya in one particular - don't string them up to the wires, I've had enough trouble, with cable thieves. Surely there are better places to attach them ?
Maybe legal advice would be helpful - I wonder why he keeps saying he doesn't want a divorce - would it cost him more than he can afford ? And do see a personal counsellor, to help you find the best bway through this situation, for the benefit of yourself and the children.

Reply to cybershrink

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